Scarleteen

currently i'm in a situation which i'm unsure how to navigate. a friend and i have been attracted to each other while they are in a romantic relationship. initially i've been closer to their nesting partner Joy (NB, 32) then to them, Grace (NB, 28) ,but since a couple months Grace and I have been hanging out one on one regularly aswell.

Joy and Grace are in a committed romantic relationship and have opened their relationship months prior. Grace and I have been hanging out for roughly half a year one on one before we started to talk about cuddling and kissing each other. Grace has told their partner about their attraction to me before they started things with me.

Due to severe miscommunications between Grace and I and my inability to state boundaries around touch, I overstepped my own boundaries which resulted in me dealing with trauma reactions and me needing space for my own mental health for a couple weeks. They chose to talk with me about it several times and be accountable for their own part, and offered me a space to talk through my feeling with them in whatever way is comfortable to me and accomodated me a lot in frequency and pace of contact. This made me feel very secure as I'm now able to state boundaries upfront and talk to them if things bother me, as I've been met with kindness.

However, during this whole time I've been having difficulties with their parter, as they wanted to spend more time with me one on one as well. We have been seeing each other often in group settings. As I have been having a difficult time, I wasn't able to offer the time Joy needed and did not have the capacity to communicate cleary, because I did not want to dissapoint them - and they tried to be there for me aswell, even as their mental health declined. My own fear of being upfront with things that bothered me lead me to talking about these things in a way that was insensitive to them and they needed space to process so we would both be able to resolve conflict in a healthy manner. Therefore we haven't been talking for 3 weeks but acould fortunatly talk about the issue in a matter that worked for both of us afterwards.

I still don't know if I want to be close friends to Joy again. However, as I have fucked up my communication with Joy, I realised that I resolved my issue with Grace and trusted them much more due to that. I've told them that I would like to start hanging out again and offered them a space to talk about their stuff aswell, as I've been in a better headspace. While they reacted very positivly to that, Grace has been troubled by the hurt Joy experienced due to our conflict. Joy has been dealing with trauma themselves and was feeling pretty shit during their time. Due to that, Grace has been caring for Joy while I've been been away for the 3 week no contact period.

I've stated that I would like to hang out with Grace before, and they rescheduled, so I offered them a phonecall instead. However, due to the situation Grace texted me they are insecure on how to deal with this situation, as they have been supporting Joy emotionally and did not want to take a position between us or mediate, and they are also overwhelmed with work. I offered them to think about the call for a couple of days, and they chose to decline the phonecall except for emergencys, telling me they would like to take space just like their partner and reconnect after my vacation.

I was very hurt by that as I've been trusting them again, but their decision did not feel like they could make independent choices from their partner and like they do not value our friendship. I did not expect to talk me through my issues with Joy but would have liked to talked briefly with them how to navigate the situation and just hang out for a while virtually and chat about something light.

After I came back Grace told me they have been sorry for their behaviour, that they did not have the emotional capacity to deal calmly with the situation and that they are sorry they stopped talking to me. I could offer compassion as I've understand their underlying feelings of not wanting to upset their partner even further. We talked about that and they said they came to the conclusion that they want to be in contact with me regardless of my relationship to Joy, even if that would mean our relationship would change as we hung out a lot as a group. I told them that our conflict resolution made me want to explore our relationship further and I told them I would like to date them - however, even though they were firm in wanting to date me beforehand and were just giving me space to figure myself out, they are unsure now due to reasons they did not tell me or might not know themselves.

They would like to hang out again casually as friends, and while I'm fine with that (even though I'm a bit disappointed because I finally admitted my attraction to myself and them). I am not okay with our unstable relationship and the missing communication on wants and needs and that I feel like Grace does not know their own boundaries. I am worried that Joys anxiety around nonmonogamy will result in Grace downplaying our connection to soothe Joy's anxiety even if Joy does not ask for it, as Grace is so empathetic and tries to fix a lot.
I'm worried that this dynamic will hurt me even further.

Grace does not really know what they want, and I'm scared that their commitment to each other means they will always choose each other first and dump me if things get complication. I feel like they are stringing me along - even though they said they want to stay in contact with me if I stop being friends with Joy. Which is a big thing for Grace to say so clearly I am important to them. But i expected them to keep talking to me during me figuring out things with Joy, and that they didn't does not make me secure in our relationship, and we have seen each other twice in the last month, they did not want to talk to me while i was on no concact with their partner, and the one time we talked after that was a short meeting where I told them that their behaviour upsets me.

I do not want to blame Joy and Joy's feelings for the choices Grace makes, but at the same time I am really upset with Grace that they do not communicate clearly what they want, and I am also upset that they chose to accomodate Joy's feelings in a way thats hurtful and contraproductive in my opinion. I would really like to date Grace and give them space to figure themselves out. When their partner Joy was supportive and calm about our relationship and in a good state I feel very secure with Grace, but now I don't. I feel like their dynamic is an underlying problem to me (especially as Grace is Joy's only emotinoal support) but I do not want to blame them or Joy, but I am really angry and hurt by Grace's behaviour.

Does it look like I'm overly jealous or in the wrong? How can I communicate with Grace? How can i be accounatable for my own feelings? And when do I know when to step away from this situation?

Hi tinygoblin,

I'm sorry you're feeling like Grace isn't prioritizing your relationship or taking your feelings into account as much lately. I'll go ahead and answer your first question right away - no, I don't think you're overly jealous (plus jealousy isn't a bad thing, we all experience it, and we choose how to react to it). It sounds like you respect Joy and their relationship with Grace, and you're not trying to do anything malicious here.

Dating someone who has a nesting partner can be difficult sometimes, and you're seeing this firsthand. While not all nesting partners are also the primary partner, since not all polyamorous people have hierarchal relationships, it sounds like maybe Joy is also Grace's primary partner, which seems to be the root of your feelings of being a second thought and the fear of being dumped if things get complicated. It's normal to feel how you're feeling in these situations, so don't feel bad about how you feel.

That said, relationships shouldn't feel like this and we should be able to trust our partner - monogamous or not. So while jealousy and fear are normal, it's important for us to work on how we deal with those feelings, and also we should feel comfortable enough with our partner that despite these feelings coming up occassionally, we trust our connection. That's something you two can work on if you're going to move forward, as you shouldn't feel constantly anxious about your relationship, you know?

Before I answer your other questions, I'd like a bit more context, if you don't mind. Are Grace and Joy each other's primary partners, or were you under the understanding they had a non-hierarchal dynamic? Typically, when people say nesting partner, it's not necessarily the same as primary partner as they're two different things.
You also said they just opened their relationship months ago, so it sounds like maybe this is one or both of their first time being poly, and perhaps there's some confusion or miscommunication here about everyone's roles. I just want to get an understanding of what your expectation was/what you were told, so I (or whoever picks up this post next) can give the appropriate advice on how to communicate with Grace about this.

FYI, I edited your post to add paragraph breaks to make it more accessible for our staff members to read. Gently asking if you could please try adding more breaks in your replies and any posts in the future, as it really helps us. Thank you in advance!

Hi Sofi,
thanks for your reply!
Both of them have no to little experience being non-monogamous. They had an open relationship in the beginning but closed it, and opened it again roughly a year ago but no one of them dated anybody else as far as I have known. I do not have much experience either, but I've dated a poly person briefly and have been interested in polyamory for a couple years.

I think there is severe miscommunication happening. I want non-hieararchical polyamory and Joy and Grace both told me they are relationship anarchists. They do not want to dictate the form relationships can take, so there are no rules like "you're not allowed to have feelings for somebody". However, I actually haven't been explicitly told any of their agreements and could only pick up some from Grace's behaviour. Grace told me, that they told Joy when they fought, that they would like Joy to not kiss a person they found attractive. Grace told me they wanted to cuddle with me, are interested in kissing, but they also told me later on that they simply like me a lot and could be interested in dating me, I'm important to them and there's a possibility to be romantically involved. Joy told me, that they are fine with us making out and they don't want to dictate our relationship, however if things become more serious between Grace and I, they wouldn't know how to feel about it and might need a check in. Grace told me that Joy isn't their primary partner as there are other people who are important to them.

To me their relationship feels very hierarchical even though they don't really want it or told me it isn't. They live together, have a romantic and sexual relationship, share pets and finances, and they do have little emotional support outside of each other.
I expected to have a stable connection towards Grace and imagined myself to maybe become their girlfriend (if i'm really really honest with myself ). I did not expect to move in with them, but to have a stable emotional connection, to be involved in their life and included into discussions about the nature of Grace's and my relationship. (example: it felt very odd that Grace told Joy that they would like to kiss me and only told me that Joy is okay with that, but did not initiate a conversation with me in the same way and I expected them to do so.)

Does this answer your questions?

That does, thanks!

To be honest, I agree with you that it seems to be hierarchical (in my opinion, with the information I have). Not necessarily because they live together and share things like pets and finances, since nesting partners often do this without being hierarchical, but because of things like Grace not wanting Joy to even kiss anyone they find attractive. This also just doesn't sound like relationship anarchy to me.

I think your expectations are sensible and you're not asking for too much here. I agree there's probably a lot of miscommunication happening between the three of you, and while I understand you don't want to pressure Grace, it's also okay to want more clarity.

It also sounds like maybe right now Grace doesn't have the capacity for two equally committed relationships, perhaps? Which is something you can talk to them about, and be honest with how you're feeling. How do you think they would react if you told them this?

I think it would give Grace clarity for themselves aswell, actually. They have been trying to communicate me things but I did not understand what they meant because we have been operating under different assumptions, I realized. I think giving examples that their practises are hierarchical while they say they want RA gives them the opportunity to change their behaviour and relationship or be truthful about what they want, if they are comfortable with it. Either way I don't think we'll date right now but opening this conversation gives me the feeling that I'm not waiting for their decision to date me, but I'm upfront with my wants and needs and this makes me feel like have agency - especially since I made the decision to step away from them if we're incompatible.

Glad you could come to a conclusion about whether you're up for dating!

It doesn't sound like you're on the same page with them around how you all understand relationships which, unless you work through it, can lead to a lot of unresolved friction and resentment that nobody deserves - that said, if you did want to work through it, I don't think it'd hurt to try and understand each-other a little better.

I talked to Grace the other day and we had quite a nice talk about our relationship. I did not really say that I had a crush on them since I did not want to overwhelm them, but I said i like them a lot and would like to be close to them again, but they said they are rather interested generally being sexual with people they are emotionally or romantically close to. But they are not sure if they want to date me, since their feelings changed and so much is going on in their life, and they don't have access to their feelings right now. Especially as they are not feeling safe because they witnessed my trauma reactions, after we kissed and I could't really deal with it. And now they would just like to hang out and be friends, they said they would like to see me more often and play videogames, pick up our music project again or watch movies and have space to feel if their feelings for me come back again. they need to feel safe within themselves, to consider making out since they fear hurting me. And they said they want to hang out, and talk more before we maybe become closer to avoid pitfalls or miscommunication.

However, even though they shared quite emotional stuff and told me they would like to hang out (which is really positive), I feel rejected. I am really anxious because I never had a crush like that before and I feel like I messed up. Or we messed up or maybe we're not a good match. We're both really slow with emotions, withdraw if we're overwhelmed and pretty conflict avoidant. I am really scared that they are scared to tell me the truth because I would not have the guts in this situation to do so. Especially since they only told me their feeling for me changed after I admitted that I like them more as only as a friend, and that while these feelings where a little bit low during me dealing with my shit, I am pretty sure they will stay now. I don't really trust their words as they are withdrawing and dealing with their nesting parter - and I think their dynamic is a little unhealthy. I'm really stuck on that Grace did not want to talk to me because they were overwhelmed with life and their partnr was angry with me. Grace is not really able to seperate their emotions from their partners emotions. And at the same time, Grace told me they like me a lot and I do really like them, things are just really really difficult. I would like to give them space but at the same time it's really difficult because I want to be close to them so badly.

I am really unsure how to handle the situation now. I feel like I'm hiding my big emotions to not scare them off and reassure them that's okay to take space - and it is, them giving me space before allowed me to grew close again. And I don't know if i should trust my gut feeling (or my scrambled anxious brain) that they are lying and don't want to date me or that they are telling the truth. I am quite messed up by that (which might be exerbated that we did not really spend a lot of time and I can't really grasph them atm anyway).

I agree with Jacob - it sounds like you're not on the same page on what you want out of this relationship, and unfortunately, we can't force someone to talk to us about a specific topic or even to be honest with us. Grace is clealy willing to talk, and I'm not saying they're NOT being honest, just that if your suspicions are right, there's nothing really left to do.

I totally understand why you're feeling anxious and confused. I do think giving them (and each other) some space is best right now. If they can't currently separate their feelings from their partner's, it's not a good time anyway, you know?
While your anxiety around this is valid, try to remember it's your brain trying to protect you from getting hurt, and overthinking this doesn't really serve you. If you can, find healthy ways to relax and distract yourself for now, so you can shift your focus and give them the space they need. Perhaps something that can channel your feelings in a productive way, like a hobby such as crafting or coloring, or something physical like going on runs or bike rides? Is there something you can do that you'd enjoy and would help you release some of this anxiety and frustration?