TW;(COCSA)/depression how do I recover from COCSA
Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2025 3:10 am
Recently (in the past year or so) I’ve recovered memories of COCSA, and I’m still trying to recover.
I think I suppressed them over a time period of 7 years or so, in which I was almost completely disassociated for 2 years (I couldn’t feel emotions/cry/ I’d have the constant feeling I was watching a movie of myself going through life)
Basically I wasn’t in a good place to start healing from the COCSA and a few other things.
I’d never thought of the “incidents” as SA (but I’d tried avoiding think of them at all tbh) only over the last year had it actually clicked that it was SA.
I really struggle with intimacy and it’s why I’ve never been in a relationship, since I’m scared that they might want to kiss me/have sex and I’ll completely freak out and have a panic attack.
I do want to have sex and make out with a s/o and I feel like I should be doing it since I have friends who are and I’ve had crushes on people and they’ve wanted to kiss and I’ve just had to act as though I didn’t want to , since i really wasn’t able to.
Most days are okay but sometimes I’m constantly thinking about it and I feel if someone even tries hug me I’ll throw up, which I hate since one of my main love languages is physical touch.
smells also really overwhelm me since they bring back flashbacks.
One time I was at a sleep over and out of nowhere I could smell something that reminded me of my abuser and I completely froze.
I couldn’t enjoy the rest of the sleepover since I constantly felt really nauseous and whenever any of my friends would try hug me/touch me in anyway it made me feel awful.
I’ve never told anyone about what happened to me, I can’t tell my family and I’m not ready to talk to my friends about it but I want to recover and be able to do normal stuff and be in a relationship with out being scared that I’m gonna be triggered.
I think I suppressed them over a time period of 7 years or so, in which I was almost completely disassociated for 2 years (I couldn’t feel emotions/cry/ I’d have the constant feeling I was watching a movie of myself going through life)
Basically I wasn’t in a good place to start healing from the COCSA and a few other things.
I’d never thought of the “incidents” as SA (but I’d tried avoiding think of them at all tbh) only over the last year had it actually clicked that it was SA.
I really struggle with intimacy and it’s why I’ve never been in a relationship, since I’m scared that they might want to kiss me/have sex and I’ll completely freak out and have a panic attack.
I do want to have sex and make out with a s/o and I feel like I should be doing it since I have friends who are and I’ve had crushes on people and they’ve wanted to kiss and I’ve just had to act as though I didn’t want to , since i really wasn’t able to.
Most days are okay but sometimes I’m constantly thinking about it and I feel if someone even tries hug me I’ll throw up, which I hate since one of my main love languages is physical touch.
smells also really overwhelm me since they bring back flashbacks.
One time I was at a sleep over and out of nowhere I could smell something that reminded me of my abuser and I completely froze.
I couldn’t enjoy the rest of the sleepover since I constantly felt really nauseous and whenever any of my friends would try hug me/touch me in anyway it made me feel awful.
I’ve never told anyone about what happened to me, I can’t tell my family and I’m not ready to talk to my friends about it but I want to recover and be able to do normal stuff and be in a relationship with out being scared that I’m gonna be triggered.