My libido is only high on my menstrual cycle

[DemiKitten]

Other than that it's almost non existent. I identify as biromantic demisexual.. I only really feel sexual feelings on my period. But im depressed af too so it doesn't really help. I'm not asexual..I only really want sexual relations to like.. bond with my partner. I'm too low libido for the allosexuals..too high libido for the asexuals..I don't really fit in with anyone

[Latha]

Hi Demikitten, welcome to the boards!

Feeling like you don’t fit in with anyone is such a lonely place to be. When I read your post, it sounds like you’re worried that the way you experience sexual desire will prevent you from bonding with other people - is that right?

I don’t think there is anything especially strange about the fact that you feel interested in sex when you’re on your period. Just to understand, would you say your feelings of depression are linked to your cycle? Do they only happen during your period or all the time?

[DemiKitten]

I have pmdd so yeah..they are pretty linked. I have been told by allosexuals that im messed up (worse words than that) and I need therapy for that..that a "normal" person has sex atleast 3 or 4 times a week. I just feel like I'm just way too much for asexual people in the desires I have but not enough for the allosexuals

[HannahP]

Hi DemiKitten. I'm so sorry that people have spoken to you so cruelly about this. That's really not okay — and not true! There is no certain amount of sex that a person needs to have in order to be "normal."

It sounds like a lot of your stress about this is coming from feeling like you don't know other people whose sexuality works the same way yours does. Are you otherwise comfortable with your libido? Are you concerned that your depression is affecting your libido in a way that you don't like? Are you being treated for your PMDD?

[DemiKitten]

I wish I had no libido. It's quite a burden on me. Only hinders me emotionally and ig physically. My depression makes my libido medium low.. it just makes me feel sex and masturbation is a chore. I'm being treated in therapy for my pmdd and I use birth control. It never truly goes away. I'm rather just..sick of feeling sexual desire. I seem to feel comfortable in my sexuality..just no desire for having a libido.

[Latha]

Hi DemiKitten,

I agree with Hannah - I’m sorry that people have such cruel things to you! Sexual desire is a spectrum, and there is really no normal. There are people who never have sex, have sex frequently, and everything in between.

Could you say a little about why you feel your libido is a burden to you? Maybe we can find ways to work around that.

[DemiKitten]

I just wish I didn't have one. I have no desire to reproduce and I only see sexual desire as a chore. I only want to pursue sex if it's to bond with a partner. I wish I had no sexual desire or libido..its just a pain..something to need to get out of the way

[Anya]

Hi DemiKitten,

Can you tell me more about where you find this frustration towards your libido coming up? Does it get in the way of your daily life/routine, or do you notice physical changes in your body that don't match how your brain is interpreting the moment? Or something else?

Is this also something you are open to discussing with your therapist?

Understanding which moments you are experiencing this frustration will help us better know how to support you, and we want to support you!

In terms of the identity part of your post, I want to reiterate something Latha and others have said. Sexuality is such a spectrum! Asexuality, as an umbrella term, includes tons of different asexual-adjacent identities (like allosexual, as you mentioned) as well as the whole greysexual community, people who describe falling somewhere in the asexual spectrum, but prefer a more fluid label to match their experiences. Sexuality changes over time, so when we think about sexual identity, it doesn't have to be static! It can totally shift and change over time.

[DemiKitten]

I guess its because I don't have an outlet currently..I'm very shamed sexually by my parents..currently stuck with my parents bc im disabled.

Sometimes my libido is so high that all I can do is think about sex. I find that rather troublesome and a burden. But other times I have no libido..its non existent and I feel rather repulsed by the idea of sex or even others ig. I don't feel comfortable discussing my libido and sex with my therapist yet.. I might in the future but its gonna take me time since she knew me since I was a child and I was very sexually shamed growing up. I'm not even sure if I can mention to my family im dating someone..a cisgender male.. because my father has stated he will end his life if I get pregnant. Idk..it makes me rather depressed. On one hand having these sexual desires but not being able to carry it out. I have a consenting partner..but I don't always feel like doing anything nor do I feel safe to because of my parents. I'm 21 btw..my disability is autism and pmdd but ofc any judge will laugh in your face if you claim pmdd is your disability. I think I might fall under greysexual. But then again, it could be circumstantial due to my depression. I had and have hypersexuality due to sexual abuse and assault in the past. That was my determining factor for being demisexual at first..but realizing it's tied in with my cptsd ..it doesn't seem sexuality determining. I'm not sure

[Jacob]

Sorry you're going through this DemiKitten!

Reading through this I wonder if it'd be helpful to remind yourself that the problems you're ascribing to yourself are not "in" or "of" you, but often coming from the outside!

I'm hearing you describe a home situation that hasn't given you a lot of mental space to grow into yourself sexually, and I'm hearing you recognise societal attitudes that feel like they place added pressure on you to conform to something - none of which you asked for but are wading through nonetheless - not to mention being an abuse survivor, and just a person with a body subjected to ablist economic structures, institutions and all the rest of it!

In actuality, to have a variable level of sexual desire is very very very common, including in reaction to hormonal cycles, emotional states and trauma histories. It is the most common expression of sexuality for most people. Nothing is more consistent than all of us being pretty inconsistent! Variability is widespread and usually ok (or sometimes even great, honestly).

It sounds like you're feeling somewhat confined in the space of acceptability that you see as having been left for you, but I do think you have a right to demand a little better. That could include seeking small concessions from your parents to acknowledge your adulthood, or seeking a more mature relationship with your therapist where this can feel like it can be discussed, and/or beginning to think about a new therapist.

Even if you don't feel up for challenging all those things right away, do you think it could help to begin thinking of all those external points of restriction as things you could seek to change instead of wishing your own presentation to be other than what it is?

[DemiKitten]

I think..starting with my romantic relationship style would work.. have a disorganized attachment style.. and that's what partially makes me particularly bitter towards my libido. Its a contributing factor in my libido and impulsive sexual decisions

[Jacob]

Starting with it in what sense?

Although, I do think that making peace with the existence of your libido is a good thing!

I personally can only go so deep with with viewing my life through the lens of attachment styles. I acknowledge it can sometimes be helpful to dip into type-based frameworks (e.g. gender-binary/horroscope/love-languages/attachment-styles) to remember that the push and pull of relationships can come from very different emotional places, rarely malice, which can help folks with empathy and communication - however I'd be careful of boxing yourself in too much.

Have you spoken to your therapist about this?