doubting my panromanticism despite definitely being pam??

[mae_blossom]

hello! i'm mae, i'm 16, i'm afab and i'm also asexual. all of which are in the side bar but i supposed they'd be relevant
so like i've known i was pan/ace since i was in 6th grade, bc i was like "waitttttt most girls don't also like girls they just feel like they're straight so they decide they're straight??" anyway also figured out the asexuality there by virtue of Ew Ew Gross.
i've also only had like 1 real crush (boy, for 6 1/2 months, he rejected me) and 2 minor ones (girl, best friend of mine, saw her dressing masc and blue-screened so much i thought i had a crush on her) (afab non-binary, presented very androgynous and it turns out i'm very into that)
anyway lately i've been almost exclusively... well not attracted bc uh clearly i'm not attracted to people very often but i can only picture myself in the future with a man??? and by man i guess i mean an amab person (very into feminine men and masculine women and non-binary and androgynous people.. just down for gender fuckery as a whole) and it's weird bc i feel like i'm not yknow being pan anymore ?? it's less i'm not attracted to women but get uncomfortable picturing myself with them because of asexual reasons (boobs and vaginas activate my own dysphoria pretty strongly) is this normal????? the people-of-a-gender-you-are-attracted-to-freaking-your-dysphoria-out-thing that is

[Anya]

Hi mae_blossom,

Welcome to the boards!

Attraction, life-planning, and sexual orientation can be sooo tricky. First, I want to say it sounds like you might be putting a lot of pressure on yourself at the moment to figure out what you want, or what you're going to want in the future, and it might be helpful to remember that you have time. Not only are sexuality and relationships lifelong discoveries for many people, but they are also bound to change over time. There is no hurry in figuring everything out right now. I have a few article recs for you including this one about letting go of the pressure to label, and this one on how to make decisions about desire.

On the topic of the dysphoria you mentioned, I want to say that this feeling is completely normal. It can be easy sometimes to project our own feelings of discomfort, pain, or frustration onto other people who either have bodies we want, or very clearly do not want. This is part of what makes dysphoria such a difficult experience for many, as painful feelings can be triggered by simply engaging with other people's bodies. Here is an article of ours on experiencing dysphoria. It is written as though you are supporting someone else with gender dysphoria, but in my experience, it can also be very helpful to support yourself using these tools.

How does all of this sound to you?