tl;dr:
ContextI (22M straight) am still heartbroken over a month-long relationship I had with a girl (19F bisexual) I knew for 2 months to whom I haven't spoken in over half a year.
Warning: Don't use all your laughs now. There are plenty more opportunities to point and cackle throughout and I won't be responsible for anyone who passes out from laughter-induced oxygen deprivation. Your knees are gonna be red raw from the slapping.
My situation is this: I had my first romantic "relationship" back in Oct/Nov 2024. It's in quotes because it was over in a month and there was no commitment. It was the most emotionally rich and connected period of my life and it developed just as quickly as it ended. This girl lit my world up, then it was unexpectedly brought to a sudden and confusing end just as I was accepting that, wow, I've actually found love.
For reasons I will get into to do with attachment style and her BPD, I've carried a hope that this ending wasn't permanent for the last 7 months but that hope is starting to give way to the crueller, more likely outcome and I can feel the structure in my mind that was keeping me sane collapsing.
The Beginning
I met her on Hinge in early October. I'd been using the app on-and-off for a year (which was out of character for me but I thought I'd give it a go) and hadn't had any results. After a week of talking with this girl, however, I could feel something different. That was quickly dashed when she said she already liked someone but she thought I was cool and wanted to be friends and play some video games together online. I (again, uncharacteristically) agreed. Being very shy and introverted, this whole scenario was a bizarre move for me. But I did it. No alterior motives either. No hope she'd "eventually come around". I just did it. I wasn't even terribly attracted to her at this point in all honesty. I just thought she was beautiful, but I didn't know her. I accepted that, this time, I hadn't been chosen.
As though God himself had taken pity on me, this other person she liked exited her life after ghosting her and the next 3 weeks saw she and I grow gradually closer and closer over daily video calls and game nights, daily, near- constant texts, intimate, emotional conversations, flirting and sexting, until we finally met for our first date at the 3-week point. It all happened so fast.
I felt it with this girl. I was well on my way to falling in love and it really looked like she felt the same. She initiated the emotional talks, the flirting, the sexting. She sent me a few risqué photos. We opened up to each other in ways that each of us had never done with other people. I don't believe in fate or destiny... but I felt like I'd finally found the soul I was meant to connect to, like maybe our lives are written in the stars and we were always meant to find each other. How could this woman fit so perfectly into my life after I met her in such an unlikely way and after knowing her for such a short time? I was electrified.
The Date
I travelled to her city two hours away on the train. Got there about 1pm I think. Stayed all day until the last train at 7pm. The date went fine. It wasn't spectacular, it wasn't a disaster. It was what you'd expect the first meeting of two autistic, emotionally complicated young people to look like. Awkward, a little cringe sometimes, but heartfelt and... right.
I gave her a little gift of a golden rat (she likes rodents) which was a collectable in the first game we completed together. This is when I found out she doesn't like receiving gifts because it makes her feel awkward but she reacted nicely and I got the impression she genuinely liked it. She felt awkward because she's concerned with creating bad memories around objects. This was a red flag in hindsight. Didn't know what I didn't know. She said she was going to get me a glowstick, an item from the last game we'd just completed the night before, but ran out of time. It was funny that we both thought to give each other gifts of items from the games we'd played together.
The night ended when she led me to a park. It was just us, sat together, lit from above by a single lamppost. She rested her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her. We stood up after a little and just cuddled. We stayed in that park with our arms wrapped around each other, talking about random stuff, for nearly 2 hours until I had to leave or I'd miss the train. This night meant and still means a lot to me. My heart is filled with love just typing this. It was one of the happiest days of my life honestly as pathetic as that sounds. I felt like my life had led to meeting her.
We texted while I was on the train home. She told me "Today was good. Verdict reached. I had a good time." We didn't kiss on the day and she said she was kind of glad that we were taking it slow and getting to know each other properly, but that she would "definitely give [me] a smooch next time." My coat still smelled like her hair.
Afterwards
I planned a second date (she'd planned the first so it was my turn) and shared it with her. She was clearly a little overwhelmed with everything I planned but I reassured her that we will save things for other dates later down the road. She said it sounds "so so good".
And that was it. That night she cancelled a game night for the first time, distanced herself for the week only checking in once to remind me that she's "not dead" and that she's just busy with college stuff, and to say that she's "confused". That latter comment went over my head at the time but it was crucial.
Going from constant texts and calls to this distance can only be compared to a heroin addict with no needles. I was itching for her. Ever cell in my body screamed to hear her voice or see her smile, especially after the day we'd just had.
The week of distance ended when we had a painful text conversation where she confessed doubts she had developed after the date. This conversation illuminated that she felt guilty because I clearly liked her a lot whereas her feelings "are not quite there. I like you but not as much as I think you like me … I'm just desensitised and dissociated, I don't know if how I feel is cause of us or cause of that." She said how she didn't know how she was making me happy, that she's not sure what she wants, and "only way I can describe it is you thought the date went really well and I felt bad because it didn't go as well for me as I wanted it to".
I asked questions like "what changed", "am I not making you happy", "what does this mean for us" and her responses can be summed up to "I don't know, I need to talk to my friend to get my thoughts clear."
She mentioned two things I did on the date that she didn't like. She didn't like that I touched things in the museum/shops we went to in case I broke anything (I didn't actually damage anything just to be clear). She felt uncomfortable that I called a nice gentleman we talked to in a shop a "fruity fella" under my breath as we were walking away. This I concede was an uncomfortable thing to do. It was our first meeting. I was trying to make her laugh. But I didn't think these were dealbreakers.
I brought up the park. I was confused (and still am to be honest) as to why she'd feel these doubts but still initiate a nearly 2-hour-long cuddle with me. She agreed that it was the best part of the date but didn't say anything further.
I'm resisting just pasting the whole text conversation here, but here are the rest of the main quotes:
- "Man being in my mind is so confusing. I sometimes just wanna get out of it, clean it out, get a clean slate with clear thoughts."
- "Like I said, everything's been fine until that date and then I had mixed feelings.
Idk what to think of that."
- "And my biggest thing is I don't wanna lead you on and have you putting in more effort than me and yeah, that's why the stuff about feelings is relevant. I don't want there to be a difference in feelings of commitment and devotion. I don't want to make you feel like I'm not giving you as much as you're giving me etc"
- "I'm not sure idk a part of me wants to see how things will be if we like spend time together again and if things will improve but a part of me knows that if they won't and I'll get clarification that things aren't working it's really unfair on you"
The Breakup
I wake up the next day to a text from her.
We had a voice call to clear the air. I told her that of course I wanted to see how things go, and the conversation treaded water until she unexpectedly confessed that she had had a random crush on a customer at work (she's a barista) the day after our date. She wouldn't even see them again. She just had a crush and that was it. But the tone changed then. I was speechless for a charged 5-10 seconds where she broke the silence begging me to say something.Hey, I want to see how things go and I want to know what you think.
I think this emotional whiplash is a large contributor to my attachment to her all this time later. I am struggling so deeply to move on because I was close to living my dream and it was snatched from me in this confusing, cruel way. It feels like I've been tricked. It feels like it was all a prank, like someone sent this girl to spend hours of her time a day with me, to tell me all the things I wanted to hear, then have her rip my heart out.Me: So you don't want to see how things go?
Her (guiltily): I don't think that would be a good idea... sorry.
The "Friendship" Phase
I didn't want to lose her and she clearly enjoyed my company. After a week of no-contact to "process things" we got back in touch and slowly started gaming again until we were back to nightly game sessions on video call like we used to. She'd initiate just as many if not more than I would. She'd even plan games we would play in the future or talk about tomorrow's game night while still in one. All of this is to make clear that I wasn't just begging for her attention and there was still a bond there.
But there was a new platonic boundary. I could feel the difference in my chest. It wasn't the same. She wouldn't strike me with random flirts that made me blush anymore, we'd talk in less intimate detail about our lives, and, when we stopped playing for the night, we'd just say goodnight and hang up after a short talk, skipping the heart-to-hearts we used to have where we'd just be with each other over the call, talking about anything and everything.
I had her in my life, but I didn't have her anymore and my soul screamed in protest of that every time I'd look at her. A new emotion in the mix was jealousy. We weren't together anymore. She admitted to me while we were romantic that she had a Hinge problem where she'd talk to 20+ people at once, not to mention her very sexual past with men and women. Now, anyone she could be talking to was a threat in my mind. This was the most anxious month of my entire 22 years. (I want to make it clear I didn't act on any of these anxieties or invade her privacy. I suffered, but I did it in silence and respected her autonomy.)
I couldn't take it any longer. I waited a while just in case she'd change her mind and reach out on her own, but after a month of these painful calls where all I could focus on was what had changed between us, I had voice my truth.
I asked her over text one night after hanging up if she wanted to try again and take things slower. She replied, "I'm sorry but I don't feel the same. Like you said I've been confused about my feelings and it was nice to go on a date but I just get more comfort from being friends. If this is uncomfortable for you we can discuss options." I told her staying in touch like this was keeping me in a place of heartbreak and I needed to step away and look after myself, that I hoped she understood. She did. That was that.
No-contact
I went straight back on Hinge desperately trying to fill the new hole within me. A few days after I stepped away, I saw her profile on there. In an emotional storm of betrayal, rage and deep, deep jealousy, I removed her from every social we had added each other on. Snapchat, Instagram, Steam, TikTok, all of it. She's not blocked but we're not friends on anything anymore.
We haven't spoken since the 20th of December. 7 months. I stuck to my guns. My god I'm so proud of myself. I never guilt-tripped her, begged her, pretended to be her friend. I stated my needs, accepted her decision with grace and dignity, and actually walked away. It has been the most painful thing I've ever done in my life.
My Coping Mechanisms
That said, I always had this buffer in my mind that helped motivate me to stay away. She was so confused, tentative, kept second-guessing herself and her doubts... I always had the thought, "there's still time for things to change. She could regret losing you. You are worthy of being missed. You were very good to her. Make yourself unavailable and see what happens."
I learned about attachment theory and I saw all of the signs of an avoidant or fearful avoidant in her. The big one is that things were electric before the date when it was controlled and had a honeymoon vibe, but the moment things became real (literally) and we met in-person, the moment where emotional intimacy was at its highest, the moment where we may have started making commitments to the other, is the moment she ended things. It was like a switch flipped and she was a different person. She deactivated. The woman I gamed with after the breakup felt completely different to the one I bonded with over those intimate calls.
There's also her history of short romantic relationships, casual sex and friends-with-benefits, her aversion to receiving gifts and taking photos together in case bad memories get attached to them, her self-admitted tendency to sabotage relationships. All this points to major commitment issues due to her past traumas. She was also in therapy for depression and BPD.
I let all this paint a hopeful narrative in my mind that it wasn't exactly her attraction to me that was the problem, but her attachment style and emotional boundaries. It protected my ego too if I'm being transparent. This way, she didn't break up with me because I'm unattractive or not her type or not worth committing to, but because of things that were out of my control. And most importantly, it meant that, after a time of no-contact and things cooled down, she could reactivate and remember those initial feelings and feel the courage to try again.
It also explained the contradictions. She told me when were together that I was her type, that I was "good for her", we planned to kiss and have sex, we shared deeply personal things.
It would also explain why she didn't say she wasn't attracted to me but instead "felt more comfort as friends."Maybe she was scared of the intimacy and pulled the plug because of that?
I held on to these stories as my beacon in the dark while I focussed on my own life. I'm in great shape (the best of my life!), I've just graduated from university after working myself to the bone, I'm learning guitar, I'm planning some tattoos, I've made efforts to be more expressive with my creativity and wardrobe, I've been making great progress with my hobbies, and I am more emotionally intelligent than I've ever been. I'm really fucking trying. And I did it for me. Of course in the back of my mind I knew that I was forging a man she'd be lucky to return to, but I wanted it all. I have evolved into a new man since I lost her.Maybe this wording exposes a fear of closeness? She kept me around after the breakup after all. Being just friends, she didn't have to be vulnerable but didn't have to lose me either.
I hoped by now that either she'd have come back or I'd have mostly healed. Neither have happened. Now we're long past the 6 month mark, I'm really feeling the despair of the situation engulf me.
ConclusionMaybe what I thought was confusion about her feelings was actually just guilt about breaking my heart. Maybe she didn't actually like me enough and was just infatuated with me for a time because of BPD or depression or something. Maybe she just moved on and it's only me who ever felt love for the other.
Maybe she wasn't an avoidant and in fact just wasn't attracted to me enough and really didn't want to be with me. Maybe this is permanent.
This is where I am now. An improved, more mature man, but an incredibly lonely one with no hope of finding love. Now I know what I'm missing in living without a partner, every day is a battle. It's like I got to see in colour for the first time and, now I'm back to black-and-white, I mourn the saturation I once saw. I'm not okay being alone like I was before I met her.
I don't see myself meeting anyone new either. Perhaps that's enhancing my longing for her to return. I don't go out. I'm off Hinge because the rejection and shallow conversations sent me spiralling again when I went back to try and find someone in the way I found her. I feel so lost and unwanted and unattractive. I am no where near as anxious as I was during that painful month and in the time just after the breakup, but clearly just by making a post like this I'm not even close to moving on. I still think of her for hours at a time every day without fail.
Yes, you've not read this wrong, I am still heartbroken over a month-long relationship with a girl I knew for 2 months to whom I haven't spoken in over half a year.
I've tried my best to condense this emotional roller-coaster into a readable post and I still fear I've left important things out, but I think I've given enough for you to at least see where I'm coming from. If you can offer me any kind of life-raft to stop me from drowning I'd be eternally grateful. A fresh pair of eyes with a new perspective, some sort of clarity, I'm open to any and all responses. Thank you so much for wasting your time reading my emotional spew. Have a lovely day <3
P.S. Reading this back, the sudden shift at the breakup could come across like I've left details out, like I'm being biased, and that this was a one-sided romance/I did something to change her mind. I promise I'm not attempting to deceive in order to gain your validation. This woman in fact initiated our progress through the stages of our relationship (flirting, sexting etc.) and even asked if she was going too fast for me at one point as I was clearly a shy man overwhelmed by all these new sensations. I hoped to convey the emotional whiplash I felt going from the high of the date to the crushing sudden end. I doubt I'd still be so heartbroken if it was one-sided. I felt a connection with her because she reciprocated. Just wanted to make that more clear.