Needing help with some decisions and conversations

[eddyrivers]

Hi! I am dealing with some really confusing stuff right now - trauma recovery and a relationship with someone I really care about. I've tried reading so many of the resources on Scarleteen (and I love them so much, am always sending to friends ) , I've read about a lot of topics throughout my relationship with the person I've been dating over the last year and for a long time before that in my own life - but I feel so stuck right now and need some support making sense of how I feel in practice and not just by opening 15 tabs on here and thinking I need to read them all.

I'm 24, recently graduated from university dating someone I met about three years ago who is 32 and trying to make a big career change. There's a lot of uncertainty in both of our lives and we both value each other and want the best for the other person.

I care about the person who I've been dating so much. I feel really sad when I imagine losing the fantasy I've developed for the last 5 months about how we have a bigtime future together. It's something we spoke about back in the wintertime, when we were deciding if my trip to visit him was a date. We'd dated over the summertime and had a great time, even though we both knew it was temporary. We were friends up until the winter, and I started to feel in love with him, and I know he was also considering a future, since we talked about it and I felt so connected to him

Since that time, we've had two trips where I've visited him while he's at home or with his friends - and they haven't felt the same as the summer or the time we spent long distance on the phone and online.

He is possibly going to come to the city I live in for about a month this summer. I need to decide if I want certain things, even if he feels certain that he doesn't want to date past the summer, doesn't want to be long distance, and doesn't see a future here.

I'm trying to ask myself right now: do I want to date him while he's here and what does that mean? Specifically, he has expressed an interest in

1. having a conversation using the relationship model article and talking more about what he learned he wants and needs, and how he isn't getting that in our relationship.

My hope having that talk would be that maybe there is a way forward for our relationship, but he has said he fears that I will think there's something I can do to change his mind. Is there a middle ground? Is it abusive, manipulative or unethical to speak with someone about what they want in a relationship when you want to date them and they just want to process how they feel? I feel curious about what issues he has and I want to work through them or see if we can meet in the middle, but am I going into this for the wrong reasons?

2. watching movies, making out and spending time together this summer like last summer

And is it cruel to myself to engage in sex with someone I want to have sex with , when I have these strong feelings and it might be temporary. I'm okay with it being temporary but I just don't trust myself - the last time I was in a situation close to this, I was coping with the aftereffects of abuse, and that person did not treat me in a respectful or caring way and I didn't take care of myself either. The relationship after we broke up included sex when I wasn't able to consent and I haven't spoken to him since.

I am doing my absolute best to take care of myself and communicate with him. We talked for two hours last night, I asked to speak to him again tomorrow so I could share what I think I've settled on - which is that I want to have that conversation with him no matter the outcome, and I want to date him this summer no matter what happens. But I have so much self doubt and fear that this is a choice that is going to hurt him or me or both, and I don't trust myself and my feelings at all

[lilikoi]

Hi eddyrivers! Glad to hear our articles have been supportive so far!

First of all, huge props to you for being intentional in this relationship. It sounds like you put a lot of care into it and that just makes me happy to hear about the world particularly when I know how difficult it is to overcome trauma wounds! I am sorry to hear about the abuse in your former relationship. Glad to hear you are out of that dynamic!!

Could use some clarification. It sounds like you two have been dating off and on for the last year. This winter you started to dream of a future with him but lately he has expressed he doesn't see you two carrying on dating once this summer is over. Is that right?

Since you are looking for support before your phone call tomorrow, I am going to answer now based on how I understand your question with the caveat that I am not an expert in abusive dynamics. Sorry to hear about the uncertainty in this relationship and to hear that you are struggling to trust yourself and your feelings! It is so hard to decipher what is best for us and the ones we love when it's hard to access what we want without doubt and fear. Ultimately, you are the only person who can answer the question to date or not to date this summer.

To answer some of your other questions, I do not think that it is objectively cruel to yourself to engage in casual sex with someone you have strong feelings for. Sex with anyone has risks and it sounds like one of the risks here might be heartbreak. If the sex is consentual and leaves you feeling good about yourself, it makes sense that you crave it despite a potential expiration date.

Your questions about your intentions as manipulative, unethical, or even abusive are really meaningful. I'm glad you are trying to create a healthy dynamic in your relationships! If your goal in the conversation is to nonjudgmentally hear your partner's answers to questions, it is perfectly fine to have a conversation about their wants and needs! If your goal in the conversation is not to change their mind, it is perfectly fine to have a conversation about where they are at!

I would caution you against entering the conversation about relationship models with the goal to see if there is a way forward in the relationship. That can create a dynamic where the outcome of being together is more important than the decisions you make to achieve the outcome. Maybe a better way to approach the conversation could be to see if what you want lines up with what your partner wants. That way, you identify wants and needs without expecting one specific person to fulfill that for you. Maybe there is a shared vision where you both are together but maybe your goals or desires don't align. If that is the case, it's hard to discover that but I promise that there will be more opportunities for you to feel loved beyond this beautiful relationship you cultivated this last year!