Scarleteen

I had only been truly in love with one person and it’s a woman but she’s straight. I’ve had both sexual and romantic fantasies about her, however I would usually imagine myself being a guy for her. Whenever I would fantasize about intercourse with her, it would me being a guy and I desired her body even if she was a woman. She was also flirty with me, I openly admitted my love for her all the time and she would validate my feelings. So with her I was very vulnerable, emotional, and affectionate whereas I’m none of these things with a guy. I’ve had previous “crushe”s on guys but I think it may have been feelings of admiration and I wanted to be them more than I wanted to be with them. There was always a reason for having a crush on them whereas I didn’t need much of a reason for liking her at all. Sometimes I’d have sexual fantasies or even wet dreams about a man where I’d be the one dominating him all the time. Still, when I tried masturbating with a dildo, it didn’t feel as good as I expected it to (I usually just rub my clit and it does the job). I often keep my distance with men and can’t ever imagine myself being in a relationship with them. I can’t imagine myself being vulnerable, affectionate, or even love them. However, I sometimes crave admiration from them which is why I don’t shut them out immediately and even entertain the possibility of being with them even though I can’t picture anything at all when I try to imagine myself with them. When talking to a guy who has romantic interest towards me, I always feel like I have to make myself “small” when I’m talking to them and it feels uncomfortable overall. It feels as if I have to make myself seem vulnerable and submissive to get chased, which I don’t want to do at all so I just distance myself from them. I love doing the chasing but only for a woman. I feel like I can express and be myself freely when with a woman. Also I get the occasional butterflies whenever a woman does something that is considered romantic or gets too close to me. For example, I dared my bsf to kiss me on the cheek and I felt very good when she did it. It felt even a bit awkward after it because I thought I might develop feelings for her. Also when I see a woman that is somewhat my type, I constantly fantasize about getting with her and desire her. Like “dang I wonder if she has a bf I just want her to be mine shes so cool” kind of thing. They give me the butterflies for sure and I am attracted to them especially for their feminine features. However, I’m not very confident in my attractiveness, which is why I may have fantasized about intercourse with a woman where I’m a man instead of a woman. Since women generally desire men more. The men I had admired/crushed in the past all had the traits I desired to have in myself, such as fair skin, being STEM nerd, brute confidence, assertiveness, etc. Whenever I’m in a talking stage with a guy, I only have sexual fantasies about them and only uncertainty when it comes to the idea of being in a relationship with them. It’s just annoying to even entertain them because I have to admire them and make them feel good about themselves and stuff. I do none of these things and just cut them off when I feel like it’s demanding of me. It feels like I’m competing with them for power.
I’ve never had a fictional or celebrity male crush. Whenever my straight friend shows me pictures of the guys she finds attractive, I feel indifferent. I still don’t know if I would actually have sex with a guy or not because when I don’t really like having a dick in me. In my sexual fantasies with a man, we’re both fully clothed and only dry hump. I can’t decide if I’m genuinely attracted to men or just like male validation.

Hi and welcome to the boards!

I believe something that could be helpful is looking at some experiences of other folks in the LGBT+ community. I think you’d be surprised at how common your feelings are!
Here is one article that is not only personal but I think offers some tips on exploring your gender (and sexuality!) Gender Journaling . Labels and identities are tools we use to better understand ourselves and each other, so if you find a word (or words) which are helpful that’d be great but if not that’s perfect too!

You also seem to experience some anxiety about your feelings (or lack thereof). Would you say that’s true? In our heteronormative society lots of people feel extreme pressure to exist in cisgender heterosexual bodies and relationships. These feelings can be so strong that it can muddy our understanding of our attraction and cause us lots of stress. Here is another article focused on the uncomfortableness than can come with exploring How to Get Comfortable .

Although this may be causing you stress in the moment, there is no timeline to figuring out your gender and sexuality! Sure things may be confusing buts that’s ok! How would you feel about taking some pressure off of labeling yourself?