Am I behind?

[PixieDreamFrog]

Hi, This may be long and all over the place but there is so much I have questions about and things feel anxious about.

I am almost out of my teen years and I have never had a full blown sexual experience. I've made out with people and such, even fingered my partner at the time gave them pleasure orally. But I've also never received sexual pleasure from anyone in return as they were grossed out by the idea and told me to just masturbate when I get home. Part of me thinks its because I'm not conventionally attractive and chubby. The other part of me thinks It's because my friend told them one of the more odd things I'm into without me knowing and was weirded out by me.

For context I have a less conventional kink you could say and I rarely tell people about it because I'm insecure and embarrassed. But after I broke up with my partner I found out the one person I had told at the time told my partner before I was ready and without me knowing. The kink is pee. I know its gross and I hate that I'm into it but I discovered my Interest in it in high school and its the one thing that has stuck when it comes to pleasure for me. Anyways I think that experience made my anxiety around sex 20 times worse than it already was.

The point is pretty much everyone I know has already had sexual experiences they've enjoyed and seek out again meanwhile I'm scared to do anything sexual with anyone besides myself. I feel like those who know about my kink assume I cant enjoy anything sexual without it, which isn't true because I've masturbated many times without any fantasies or anything having to do with pee. Its more so something I've constantly enjoyed not something I consistently engage in if that makes sense?

On top of my kink I have a major fear of penetration. The Idea of being penetrated terrifies me and I know if I ever date someone amab that's going to be something they want. Its uncomfortable for me to use even one finger and I don't find it pleasurable anyways. I feel like I should find It pleasurable as that is literally the design I guess you could say for sex, but I just don't.

I feel like there's something wrong with me as I am almost In my 20's and I haven't had any enjoyable sexual experience that wasn't with myself. Am I behind?

[Tara]

Hi, PixieDreamFrog:

Thanks for reaching out to us! I first want to reassure you that a) you are not behind and b) there is nothing wrong with you. Engaging in sex and sexual activities is something that you can and should choose, drive, and want at the pace that you are comfortable with. It is not abnormal to not have sexual experiences as a teenager. I, personally, did not start having sexual experiences until I was in my twenties.

It sounds like you have had sexual experiences where you have pleasured others, but not received pleasure. That can be disappointing, for sure! Sometimes, when we are not feeling fulfilled by our sexual experiences, or if we want to change or enhance them in some way to feel more fulfilling, a conversation with our sexual partner may be beneficial to discuss what you would like to experience. This can help clarify what our needs and desires are, especially if we are continuously experiencing disappointment from a regular partner. Would you feel comfortable doing this with your sexual partner(s)?

Additionally, I want to reiterate that experiencing pleasure is not just about giving and receiving pleasure through sexual acts, but a shared experience with your partner - something that should be pleasurable for both involved. If you are not experiencing pleasure in the experiences you have been having, maybe you should reconsider what you are doing and who you are doing it with. In looking back to these experiences, was it pleasurable to you at all? Are they experiences you would want to have again or do you want to talk about different types of experiences that you feel would be pleasurable to you?

I want to challenge your thoughts that you are not attractive and that your body type or appearance is the "reason" behind not receiving pleasure in your sexual encounters. There can be many reasons why sexual experiences result in unexpected outcomes or disappointment in getting our needs met. I don't think being "chubby" should be a concern for getting your needs met. There are infinite body types and preferences on body types that are desirable for different people.

There is also a wide variety of sexual behaviors and preferences for certain behaviors and fantasies (we try to refrain from considering our unique interests as "kinks"). I am sorry to hear you feel shame or if you have ever been shamed by a sexual partner about yours! The reality is that there are quite simply individuals who either share or would be receptive to engaging in sexual experiences that included that interest, and individuals who are not interested. It may take time and open dialogue with your sexual partners to discover who you can comfortably engage in that interest with.

In the meantime, until you are ready to engage in sexual experiences with another and feel you have found the right person to share your interests with, there is no problem at all with masturbating alone! Masturbation is a great, safe and many times "tried and true" method for receiving pleasure. Oftentimes self pleasure is one of the best go-tos to get exactly the pleasure we desire because we know our own bodies best!

You are also not alone in either having anxiety, fear, or general displeasure with certain types of sex. Depending on your past experiences, your body's natural pleasure rhythms, and just discovering your own sexuality and what feels good to you, some aspects of sex may feel better to you. However, can we explore more why some aspects of sex may seem scary or anxiety-ridden for you? Do you think that if you were engaging in/exploring different forms of sex with only trustworthy people that you may feel more comfortable? Can we talk about that more?

Again, you are not behind and there is nothing wrong with masturbation until, if and when, you choose to engage in sex with another and feel comfortable sharing and exploring your interests and flavors of sex.

I hope this helps! Please let us know if we can explore any of these ideas more with you! : )