Scarleteen

the little smilies on here are so cute but anyways- for some context. i’m 16, i have a vagina, and the guy i had sex with has a penis. we did NOT have PIV sex, but he did, in no particular order, finger me, bite me, spank me, and choke me. this will likely be a reoccurring thing, and we don’t plan on having PIV sex. he’s not my boyfriend either, and there is no romantic or sexual attraction on my part, and no romantic attraction on his part, not sure how he feels towards me specifically.
i have a few questions, i’ll put them in a list so they’re not too daunting.

1. i’m not going to be able to go on birth control because of how strict my parents are. i do live in a red state with an abortion ban that has no exceptions, so i’m a little worried about that? is not going on birth control okay, even if at some point by a miracle, we do have PIV sex? i’m at least 95% sure we will not, but just in case.

2. should i keep plan b on me when we do have sex just in case we have PIV sex?

3. STDs and STIs aren’t a huge worry because i’ve never had any sort of sex that would put me at risk, and he’s been tested 3 months ago and he doesn’t have any. HOWEVER, just to be sure, do we have to worry about STD and STI spread if he has other sexual partners that are also clean, like his girlfriend? i’m open to getting tested if i can without my parents getting involved, but i doubt that’s a thing.

4. is there anything else i need to know with this situation? i’m autistic, and sexual education is my special interest, it’s just so hard to apply things to ME…

Hi goldfishthing, welcome to the boards! I hope this site has been helpful for you as an autistic person with a special interest in sexual education.

Your concerns are totally understandable, and this is coming from someone who also lives where access to contraception (and abortion care) is very limited :') While it's possible to buy birth control online, you'll have to use a debit card and that poses a risk of your parents finding out.

If the two of you aren't planning to do any PIV sex any time soon, then not taking birth control should be fine. That said, you still need to keep an eye on STIs, so I think it would be helpful to refrain from doing any form of "risky" sex without proper protection (such as condoms), especially if you're not entirely sure of his sexual history. But should the two of you end up having PIV sex, then keeping a Plan B on hand is definitely a good way to go. Aside from the convenience store, you can get condoms (for free) from health centers/clinics around you. Would this be something you can ask your partner to do?

I hope this clears things up for you! We have an article on the varying risks of sexual activities here: Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That?

Would you like to have any other resources?

oh, absolutely this site is helpful, previously i would read on the scarleteen tumblr and that was tons of fun.
anyways, his parents know that he’s sexually active, so he always has condoms. they don’t know that he’s sexually active with ME though, and they can’t exactly know, because we’re family friends and our mothers are besties. so that leaves our options a little limited, but at least they know he’s sexually active in general.
i have 2 more questions, but i don’t expect myself to have any more for a while after this.

1. if i do end up having PIV sex with him, i won’t HAVE to go on birth control, right? i’m just very worried about taking birth control without a doctor involved, i don’t want to mess with my hormones if i don’t absolutely have to.

2. he has a strap-on harness, and i have a dildo that we plan on using with it. it’s my dildo, and nobody else has ever used it. if he penetrates me with the dildo, is it still necessary to put a condom on it because a partner is involved?

Hey Goldfishthing, so cool that you’ve enjoyed Scarleteen’s Tumblr. Myself and another new volunteer, Maille, wrote this response together:

1. Condoms are a form of birth control- and there are other, non hormonal options that you can read about here: Birth Control Bingo. If you choose to have PIV sex, using one or a combination of these methods poses very little risk of pregnancy. You absolutely do not HAVE to use any specific type or method, especially if you aren’t comfortable seeing a doctor for a consultation. Does any combo of methods feel best for you?

2. Given what you shared about the dildo, there isn’t an STI risk if the dildo is only being inserted in your body and is being properly cleaned after every use. However, it is not a bad idea to get into the habit of using a condom with a dildo especially during partnered use. The only time I would say it would be absolutely necessary to use a condom in this scenario is if the dildo is being inserted into different orifices. For instance, if you were going from the anus to the vagina, I would change out the condom.

And please follow up if you do have more questions! That is what we are here for.

I also just wanted to pop in and talk for a second about choking: choking is NEVER safe, and is one of the few sexual activities that for real posses risks of brain damage and even death. It's strongly advised, by every single sex educator you will ever meet, very much including me, not to engage in choking, period.

Myself and a sex research wrote this extensive piece about choking, and it includes some alternatives if this is something you both do like to do: Breathe: Risks, Realities, and Safer Alternatives to Choking and Breath Play.

If you have any questions about that or the other kinds of play you're taking part in, I'm happy to talk with you about any of them more.