Scarleteen

Hi!
For starters, I love the LGTBQ community and have no problem whatsoever with it However recently I have been so confused about whats going on inside my head. For my whole life I have been interested in bous. Have had really intense crushes, gone on a few dates, had a few hookups. But anytime a boy would get close I would turn him away. Then the second he lost interest, I would be like what is wrong with me? Why am I doing that. But this has happened 2 times (I am a young adult female). Then really recently I started freaking out that maybe I was lesbian. A few days ago it was allll I could think about and it was awful because it was constant checking, freaking out, reassurance. Now its a lot better but I am still confused. I have only ever fanatized about boys and whenever I think about being with a women like that I don’t want to do it or can’t picture it. Of course I think women are beautiful and I definitely notice that/etc but not in a sexual way. So now I am just so confused what is wrong with me. It’s like I only like the idea of boys but I don’t like women either. I also started remembering that any hookup I had I always wanted it to end, besides select few. I was definitely obsessed with girl icons growing up, and definitely some boys too. Idk I am just so confused and want to go back to a few months ago when I knew (or assumed) I was straight.

Hi there! I'm sorry you've been feeling so confused and torn about this.

Sexuality isn't an easy cut and dry thing where you're either straight or gay. For example, some people are romantically attracted to one or more genders and sexually attracted to a different gender(s). It sounds like maybe you're not really attracted to men, but you're the only one who can know that. There's no right or wrong answer, and it's fluid - it often changes for people throughout their life, and that's okay too!

I want to ask, what's the outcome you're scared of or worried about if you realize you do like women? In other words, what would happen if you do?

By the way, nothing is "wrong" with you, it's perfectly common to question our sexuality! I just want to understand what the concern is so we can get to the root of these worries.

If I liked women, nothing would happen. My family is very open and they would be fine. It def would be an adjustment opening up to people including my family and friends. But thats the thing, I don’t want to be. I was with a guy on Saturday and it was actually really fun and stuff. I think I might just be a really obsessive person. Like last summer I was obsessed with the fact I was having a cryptic pregnancy and now I am worried that I am pregnant (even tho highly unlikely), and all the sexuality worries are gone. I mean maybe I am just denying being lesbian? But I just can’t imagine myself with a girl and I have never liked a girl, and I like men idk. Saturday was one of the first hookups that I didn’t want to end. Idk

Hi happygirl1!

I hope it's okay for me to jump in here. It sounds like this is causing a lot of anxiety for you! That's a bummer because attraction and desire are ideally fun, expansive parts of life. Hopefully you can feel that joy soon!

One question I have is, do you feel like choosing a label (lesbian, straight, etc) for yourself is important for understanding your sexuality? Some people end up letting go of the concept of labeling because it feels prescriptive and inaccurate for what they feel. But sometimes labels can provide a lot of clarity and comfort for people. Where do you fall on the topic of labeling?

Another thought that springs to my mind when it comes to attraction is that we might be talking about two things. There is general sexuality that explains your desire for people based on gender and then there is the attraction to individual people that follows. The attraction that follows is dependent on SO many variables. Does the person smell good? Do you share the same sense of humor? Does conversation flow easily? A question you might want to ask yourself is, when it comes to turning away boys that get close, has it felt like a disinterest in their boyhood/masculinity? Or has it felt like a disinterest in the individual person you are spending time with?

Here are 2 articles from our archives of people deciphering their own sexuality! Know that you are absolutely not alone in this confusion.

• Straight, Gay and Everything in Between: On Sexual Fluidity

• Living without Labels