I'm so fucked up

[Wanjiee]

Hey there, so met this guy at work (I'm an intern) we liked each other, he apparently has an ex in the same place, and the ex brought me too much drama i had to leave the lab and go to another one.. well, the guy and my friends stood up for me but that's besides the point. The guy invited me for cocktails and we went, we drank, tipsy of course, almost kissed, but after that he called me and told me we should never hang out again, he knows how it'll go, blablabla.
Well, we ended up hanging out, a lot, he opens up to me a lot, i do the same, he's told me he has feelings for me twice (he was drunk though) and I've spent like 3nights at his place. I'm a virgin so I've been so scared to do anything but he was so sweet and reassured me that he's not in a hurry to have sex with me, i should relax and not worry. He's giving me boyfriend energy all while saying he doesn't want a girlfriend. Last Friday we went out, i got drunk and very angry and confronted him, and he calmly told me as much as he likes me we cannot be together as boyfriend girlfriend, immediately after that he kept telling his friends we just had our first argument, kept calling me his girl.. like wtf are we then.
Last night we went out for dinner and we had very deep conversations about relations and he told me that he sees like I'm so into fast connections instead of growing into it, i thought, "huh, he's talking about us..." Only for us to continue the talk abd he tells me i should focus my energy into long term friendships, family and my work... Like huh?
I'm getting done with my internship tomorrow, and i had hoped we'd stay in touch but after yesterday I don't see it happening, maybe it will, maybe it won't, but the uncertainty is really hurting me. Why is he giving off such good vibes then later on he acts like i don't exist, like he doesn't care about me. But i want him to care, coz i do care as well

[HannahP]

Hi Wanjiee! Good to see you back here, but I'm sorry you're in this situation that's hurting you.

I hear you saying that you've had some fun times with this guy and some conversations that have made you feel close to him. It sounds like he sometimes says things that make you feel really good and special. But I also see a lot of instances where he's been very clear that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. It's so confusing when someone acts hot and cold like this and it's REALLY tempting to just focus on the good stuff that made you feel like he does want to be with you and ignore the bad stuff.

However, what I've always found is that people who are inconsistent like this don't make very good partners. The right partner for you won't be telling you he isn't interested or isn't ready. Instead of being hot and cold, the right partner should feel warm and comfortable and make you feel safe, not anxious and unsure of yourself.

What do you think about that? Do you think it would help your feeling of uncertainty to make a choice for yourself about whether you want to stay in touch or not, rather than waiting to see what he'll do?

[Wanjiee]

I don't do uncertainty, I've done it for quite some time with my exes and I don't want to relive that, which makes me wonder why the hell I'm attracting such people.
It feels so bad because he's been such a sweet guy, and all that, calls me his girl, calls me babe, tells me he loves me, introduces me to his friends but then again on other days he wants nothing to do with me... There was a time he told me unless i just want his body (sex) he can't offer anything else.. went ahead and told me he's been traumatized by his ex. If he knew he didn't want anything serious, why did he ask me out in the first place? Why did he open up to me, why did he make me feel so safe with him? Why? Why would he keep giving me such good kisses.. I'm so frustrated honestly.
And the problem is, I'm already attached, and it's not easy for me to un-attach, now i feel so shitty. Even though I'm leaving the place tomorrow, i feel terrible. Which reminds me we had made plans to hang out tomorrow on my last day then guess what, he told me he doesn't remember making the plans and he has other plansto say I'm shattered is an understatement, then again, where do i keep meeting these guys. I'm really tired, I'm fed up, kinda feel like my love life is doomed

[Heather]

Hi again, Wanjiee. It's good to see you again, but I'm sorry that something like this is why.

I don't think your love life is doomed, especially because I think a lot of why it feels like that is about patterns that I think it's within your control to change. If it was all out of your control, that would be another matter, but I don't think it is.

For one, I think you could stand to have better things that you consider signals someone is really great and is going to be a good partner, and some things you could start to realize are signals NOT to try and get involved with them. Calling people lovey names is easy, after all, old guys to it to waitresses in restaurants all the time, you know? Too, when someone tells you they love you inside a few days or weeks of starting to see each other, that's actually a red flag not a green one: no one means that three days in, they can't, because no one can build genuine love for another reason that quickly. If someone tells you they love you right away, that's a sign they *don't* take love seriously rather than a sign they do. And good kisses are something people can do regardless of if they are serious about someone or not. Dramaful exes are another red flag, because more times than not, that's a signal someone wasn't good at closing the door on previous relationships, and probably also contributed to that drama. Venting about an ex isn't something that's a super vulnerable thing to do for a lot of people, and if it happens early on, again, that's often more a tell that the person doing the venting doesn't have a lot of respect for the people they are in intimate relationships with. Not a good sign! And if someone tells you outright they doesn't want or aren't ready for a relationship, it's really best to believe them, rather than looking to what feels, to you, like them giving boyfriend energy. <3

Better green lights, and signals of a good partner, and signals someone is into you and in a healthy, real way, are people who take things more slowly, and who show you how they feel, over time, more than use sweet names or "I love you"s to tell you. Someone healthy also won't be comfortable with you attaching to them right away because that's generally not healthy: they'll be more comfortable with a gradual attachment that builds over time at the same sort of pace trust is being built. Someone healthy also won't seem super-attached to you right away. Again, these things take time. A conversation where you are honest about what you want and the other person looks to appreciate that and tells you they want and are ready for something similar: also a green light. We could brainstorm more sometime, if you like.

It also sounds like if you changed your attachment patterns you could really benefit yourself. It is up to you how quickly you attach, you just may need to learn about your own attachment style (you've sounded like you have always had an anxious attachment style to me) and how to manage it, including things like learning how to move on quickly the very second someone shows you they're not the right kind of person for you to get attached to, and not getting attached in any big way until AFTER they truly show you they are the right kind of person. These are things you can learn in therapy, but there are also good books on both of these topics, too.

How does all of that sound to you?

[Heather]

One more thing: if you are feeling really lonely, then it's going to be common to have a really low bar for romantic relationships, and to kind of leap at any possibilities. Are you feeling lonely? If so, can you up the time you spend on and in your friendships? That can often go a long way helping with dating, period, because such a big piece of trying to find a partner for many people is trying to solve for loneliness. <3

[Wanjiee]

Hi Heather,
Could you recommend some books. I definitely need to learn how to manage my anxious attachment, and learning how to leave immediately someone isn't right for me.
So you mean to tell me that this guy has been a red flag all along. Damn i thought he was being sweet. Also I didn't question the feelings he said he had very early on because why wouldn't heI tend to think I'm amazing, and i was thinking that this was a slow burn sort of relationship, turns out it's not.
And funny thing is i had said I'm taking time off relationships to focus on myself then he just showed up, and since my internship brought a lot of drama from that ex of his, he was the exciting part, i looked forward to seeing him and talking to him.
So what green flags should i be looking for in a slow burn sort if relationship or rather any relationship with a man whatsoever.
I'd say I've been feeling lonely a lot, also been very idle i tell you and i find that he has occupied too much of my mind i find myself just crashing out

[Latha]

Hi Wanjiee! I’ll let Heather know that you replied!

You know, I think it’s great that you are aware of how amazing you are. There is just one thing that is important to remember: Just because you are amazing, that doesn’t mean everyone is right for you. When someone makes big promises or acts very close early in a relationship, it means that they haven’t taken the time to really understand you and see if you are suited to one another. They’re looking at you but they are not seeing you — they’re seeing an image that they’ve built in their mind. They may seem sweet, but they don’t actually want what you want. In the cases I respect the least, they won’t even be honest with you about that, and instead will act hot and cold like this guy. It’s okay for a relationship to take time to develop (a ‘slow-burn’ as you say). But when someone shows that they don’t respect you or share your hopes for your relationship, it is a sign that they are not right for you.

A relationship should be a wonderful addition to a life that is already satisfying. Feeling lonely and idle can lead us look for care and happiness in the wrong places. I think this might be a good place to start: excluding romantic relationships, what changes would make your life satisfying?

I have a few resources I want to share with you. The first two are our articles on healthy relationships and roadblocks in relationships — I think they’ll give you a sense of what both green and red flags look like. The last is our page on relationship models: I think the questions there are good for clarifying exactly what we need from a relationship.
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

[Wanjiee]

Hi Latha, thank you for that, and the articles, getting into them asap <3

[Heather]

I wouldn’t say he was all red flags from the start. Instead I would say that what you are reading as green flags…isn’t. Your bar for green flags feels incredibly to me and overeager. Know what I mean?

Per books, the top two in this list would be my best suggestions for you on attachment, but there are a bunch of good ones listed here: https://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/attachment-theory

Per dating books with you in mind, my friend Jaclyn Friedman’s book, What You Really, Really Want would probably be helpful, and I also think Samhita Mukhopadhyay‘s book Outdated and the book Thank You, More Please by Lily Womble would be good choices for you. My book s.e.x. also has a lot on how to build actually good relationships.

[Wanjiee]

Yup I get what you mean. Been thinking about it and all i can say is damn because even when he was calling me his girl to his friends and all that, he barely paid any attention to me, barely danced with me.
Hhmm anyway thankyou so much Heather, will definitely look into this

[Heather]

Wanjiee, if it helps at all, I get some of the space you have been in with vibes like this. In hindsight (because I'm 55, I have more than my fair share of it these days!), I can look back at some relationships, even to the start of them, and see that *my* interest in the other person was clearly greater than their in me, and that maybe even my interest did a thing where it was enthusiastic enough, it kind of made it spread unto the other person, making it seem like they were more invested and enthusiastic about me and getting involved with me when they were.

The simplest I can put this is this: I have found that one of the best, easiest rubrics for figuring out if something is good or not AND for if we are ourselves even in the right place in our own well-being for a good intimate relationship, seems to mostly boil down to how secure we feel in something. If someone, or our interactions or relationship with them, leaves us often feeling like we're not on steady ground, like we have to do a LOT to keep their interest, like we feel scared, unstable, or on edge those are all usually strong signs something isn't right, whether it's about them, us, or both.

On the other hand, those times where we find we just feel really, truly secure and stable -- where we feel like we know where we stand, where our feelings and interest feel very mutual and very strong, where the other person seems to really want to know about *us* and our needs and wants and is clearly doing things to try and meet them, where we feel balanced and happy in a real way (as in, not dizzy or obsessed or out of our minds)? That's the kind of real stuff and solid feelings that a good connections are made of. And again, it takes two: so we have to be in our own healthy place where we are able to actually be a good partner to someone, as well as just in a place of well-being alone AND the other person has to be there, too.

And! Not finding that kind of stable, wholly mutual, solid thing yet at 21? I'd say that's really typical, including because when we're so young, we're usually barely getting a handle on what our own baggage is and what we need to do to deal with it, on what we truly want and need, and on how to be good partners to each other, you know?

[Wanjiee]

Oh thank you for that. You have no idea how relieving this is. I've really been wondering how I'm just jumping from shitty to shitty all while being this young . Thank heavens my love life isn't doomed because I love love, there's just a lot to learn and unlearn that I wasn't expecting, and thank you so much for this space and the advice. <3

[KierC]

Hey Wanjiee!

I am so glad to hear that Heather’s advice was helpful. I love what they said about feeling secure in a relationship, it’s so true and I think it’s really important to listen to how you feel in a partnership. I’m with you, too — I have jumped from shitty to shitty for a bit too, and it can feel really disheartening sometimes. But from one person who loves love to another, you are NOT doomed. It sounds to me like you’re in the process of learning so much about yourself, and fitting some puzzle pieces together to figure out what you like and what you don’t like in a relationship. That can feel like a rocky space to be in sometimes, but just remember that it’s a time of growth and coming into yourself, and when you do feel that security that Heather was talking about, it’ll be SO, so good.

I am so glad you’re here with us. You’re welcome here any time! <3

[Wanjiee]

Hey KierC

Thank you so much