We had a problem with consent in our loving relationship

[krystalklear]

What happened is, a couple of months ago, we had sex again after 4 days of being apart from each other because of a big discussion, in which he had made known that his needs weren't seen correctly in the relationship. I didn't know, at the time that that was the case. After he told me, I really wanted to make amends, and I resolved the grudge I had against him. At the same time, we also solved his issue.

The day we reencountered again we were so happy. We spent an amazing day and it ended in his house. We had a lot of sex that night, and I'm not troubled because of it. The next morning, we had sex in the 69 position (there are some things I don't remember that clearly, but I trust my partner with all my heart, that what he says is true, and I hope I can convey the why correctly), and I was enthusiastic and very ok with that. The only thing is, he didn't finish, which is a boundary that has always been respected (the fact that I like giving him oral sex, but I don't want him finishing in my mouth). But, he asked me if we could continue with penetrative sex, to what I said that I didn't want to, and I prefered not having that kind of sex in the moment, which he also respected. Because I wanted to make him finish, I offered to touch him, but he really didn't want that kind of stimulation, so we did other things (not sexual) in our sexual aftercare and another activities to have fun in his bedroom. The thing is that, I wanted to be on time to pick up a friend's gift, I wanted to have breakfast, and to be home on time to eat.
I expressed these feelings to my partner, but I think I didn't gave enough importance or consideration on the true meaning that being on time had for me in that moment. When I told him (not rejecting his advances, because in the moment, he didn't tell me he wanted more), that I wanted to pick up the gift for my friend, and that I wanted to have breakfast, he told that he really wanted to have a little more sex with me. He asked if he could grind against me while he massaged me, so he could calm his urge, and be on time for everthing else. For my partner, my consent is his maximum priority, and he never would have wanted to take advantage of me. In fact, in the entire relationship, he was always very afraid of crossing my limits, very mindful of my preferences in bed, and our sexual life just kept improving over the time we have been together.
When he asked me that, I gave it a little thought, and I think I gave in without considering what I truly wanted.
In the past, I have been willing to have sex with him, even if I didn't have a intense desire, because I always recieved pleasure and I didn't truly feel coerced to have sex with him only in his terms, I accepted to have sex with him, to also give him pleasure, and this didn't bother me either.
This experience was different, because I felt bad for not giving my partner more pleasure, and I thought it was very fine with me because of my previous experiences. In the moment I accepted, I was a little tense because I didn't want to lose a lot of time for doing everything else, and because, I actually think I had a insecurity with the fact that we had too much sex, and that maybe that took time for other activities in my point of view. Even with that mental pressure, I was able to enjoy that sexual interaction, that didn't progress to sexual penetration until I directly desired him inside (I directed him to me annally because I really enjoy it, and because he was on top of me while he was massaging me)
After the experience, I felt weird, while we were having breakfast, and I think it was worse when I saw that we lost the bus because we almost made it in time, but didn't. In the bus, I made it clear that I didn't felt comfortable with what happened and I told him that he should have stopped after my first no. He only understood later that it upset me, the thought of not being able to be in time (because I had an internal obligation to do so) and for the fact that, if this bothered me so much, I shouldn't have said yes. I know that he pressured me without truly wanting to, and, when I told him about it, he felt really weird and upset about it.
Even when I told him that I felt that my boundaries were crossed, I didn't really give it the importance that it really had for me. And he didn't saw the importance it had because it is something that wouldn't have been so bad if it happened to him, and I gave focus to the argument we had about the fact that we weren't on time for everything. He truly understood that he was wrong for acting like that, but that he felt attacked by me by saying that I was giving it a big importance in the light of the day and night we spent before all of this happened. And, I thought that I was, in fact, giving it too much thought, and I was wrong to sweep it under the rug.
It may seen like he didn't think of it as a lot in the moment, but, I thought that too. And, after I told him how I felt without attacking him, he truly felt bad for his actions and for hurting me.
This really changed the way we had sex and it really improved, with a ton of effort in his part.

All of this situation came up in my head again with a intrusive thought (at the very least, I have OCD tendencies), and I see that this problem wasn't truly resolved. In the last week, he has been trying to help me to see this situation more clearly, to understand what his intentions were and to make sense of what this situation means to me. In the effort to make things better, he has been profoundly understanding of my position and I truly want to forgive him for something that wasn't my fault, or his. I know he didn't abuse me. I just want that thought out of my head. I just want to see him always for the safe person he is, for the love he has for me, and I want to see this situation as a mistake. But it is being very hard, even if I know this hasn't happened before, and it is not going to happen again in the future.
I need help to see this situation from another perspective. Is there something I've been missing for me to better understand everything? I have asked him a lot of questions about the situation and he always makes sure to answer me in a truthful manner.
This situation is being really hard for him to, because he is being questioned about everything that has ever happened in this situation, and I questioned him on other sexual experiences we had. He helped me a lot but he can't be the only person that helps me in this situation.

In an effort to feel comfortable with him again, I told him that I wanted to shower together, he agreed, but in my head I was fighting against my need to take things more slowly again, and I made him feel like an abuser. That is because he wanted to put shampoo in my head. I started telling him that I would do it on my own, he told me that he only wanted to put the rest of the soap in my head, but a surge of discomfort that I was holding inside ser ablaze and I told him to stop. He then asked me if I wanted to be alone in the shower, and I said yes. In the moment, he wasn't truly uncomfortable about the fact that I told him to leave. But I put it against him, that I told him 2 times to not put his hands on my head, and he only understood the second. I also know now that he was going to stop after putting the rest of the shampoo that was left on my head. I know that I have a tendency to push myself because "I shouldn't feel this way about a person that would never hurt me and wouldn't do something that I didn' want against my will", and I was mistaken ignoring my own discomfort for the relationship.

I truly, truly want to stop feeling this way, and I want things like they were before. I need help, please.

[mikky]

Hey there Krystalklear, welcome to the boards!

It seems like you and your boyfriend have built a relationship with a lot of communication, openness, and trust for one another. I can see how it would feel distressing to be in this situation, where that foundation is stressed.

You mentioned that this experience came after you and your boyfriend had a big discussion about his needs. What type of needs did he express in this discussion?
I wonder if there may have been some lingering feelings following this that may have caused some extra pressure when you were together again.

You also mentioned that you have OCD tendencies, so I want to be careful here. Sometimes, with OCD, our brains get really sticky on an event or a thought. We want to revisit the memory again and again until we figure out a for-sure conclusion. Unfortunately, we can’t get the thought out of your head, or tell you what is the right way to feel.

It sounds like there may have been some new information about what you want and don’t want that have emerged from this experience. For example, I hear that you want to be able to prioritize showing up for other things, like picking up your friend's gift and being home to eat. You also want your first “no” to be respected, like when you were showering together.
You say, "I shouldn't feel this way about a person that would never hurt me and wouldn't do something that I didn't want against my will". I want to try rephrasing this sentence, tell me if this sounds right to you:
“I do feel this way about a person who pressured me, but also doesn’t want to do things I don’t want against my will.”

To be clear, having a confusing and upsetting experience with a partner is pretty dang normal. It doesn’t mean you need to break up, or that the other person is unsafe. It usually does, however, mean there should be some conversations between you two about what consent will look like going forward, and recognizing what pressures might be affecting the situation.
How does this all sit with you?

[krystalklear]

Hi, and thanks for the quick answer. I think you 're right. Even if I know that this isn't something that will happen again, I know that if feel like this regardless, because it isn't a experience that has had little impact on me.
I just want to stop feeling this way knowing that he is truly sorry, that I know he has made real action to stop these things from happening again, and when I know he is so concerned about me and my safety.

And I know that I have to be serious about what consent
is or isn't in my relationship. It doesn't sit right for the both of us, the fact that he insisted, even when he didn't want to hurt me.

One of the things I really want for me is that he stays with the first no. I know that it isn't inherently wrong with the suggestion of another sexual practice that would make me feel more comfortable. But I see that this can lead to a situation like this and I don't want this to happen again.

I told him to always ask if he wanted more sexual activity with me before it all happened, as I would tell him the truth about what I wanted. He understood this and asked me thinking I could gibe him any response that I wanted.

For now, it probably isn't a good idea. In the few sexual encounters we had this week, I conducted and I stopped when I felt like I wasn't entirely in the moment (in oral sex), and it was all fine. It bothers me to feel more uncomfortable in the sex we may have, but I'll need to be patient with myself. For me, and for him, I need to stop pushing myself.

The needs that were adressed for him weren't sexual, and they were about the fact that he wasn't getting his needs met in the sense that he felt like I prioritized a lot of the times, the feelings of my friends over my own needs, and his. He felt emotionally neglected, and for good reasons, and felt like he had a ton of things that he really didn't want to make me happy. I wasn't aware of all of this, and I felt a lot of guilt about it.

[mikky]

You have some incredible insights here, and I'm hearing that you've done a lot to communicate with your boyfriend about how your boundaries have shifted recently. Having patience for yourself, not pushing past your discomfort, and asking for your first “no” to be respected all seem like very great ways to be kind to yourself!

How else have you been caring for yourself with the anxieties that arose? Have you been able to talk with others (besides your boyfriend) about how you’ve been feeling?

[krystalklear]

I have found it very hard to forgive my partner even when I really want to, and now I am dealing with that, and it is being very hard for me now. I think I will need reassurrance and a lot of strength for me to love my partner leaving this hurt in the past, right where it belongs.

I think the problem is that I have been more in touch with the details of what happened exatly, rather than focusing on the way I feel about it. Now I am afraid of my feelings, I want them to pass, and I don't want to have any kind of sexual trauma because of this. I understand that it could be a trauma, or not.

But I am afraid of seeing him in that light. Hevgas hurt me, but he has also been with me a lot of other times with me, and he has done everything in his power to take care of me. He truly loves and adores me.

I sat with my feelings of the memory for a little while and I released pain that I was holding inside of me. Maybe the memorias were exharberated because of thevyhoughts that come with them. This wasn't horrifiying and he didn't make me do anything against my will.

During this time I wasn't able to think about anything else besides the situation, and I taljed to him a lot, and I have a very solid idea of the situation because of him. And I eationally see what happened for him, and for me.

I didn't tell my friends anything besides that I really don't feel well and it is because something that hapoened in my relationship. And I am going to couple's therapy to release more of the hurt.

I really love him, a lot. Can you give me some guisante on how to feel better? I really want him and my relationship. I don't feel like I've had a love as mature and serious as the one I feel for him.

[Tara]

Hi, krystalklear:

Happy to jump in. I'm sorry you are dealing with all these feelings of sadness and guilt over the incident. The way you describe it you may be right that you are dealing with trauma from the event. I am glad you are doing things to address and heal this trauma, like holding space for yourself to release the feelings, and going into therapy to talk about your feelings and the event. I think both of these activities will go a long way to helping you process the events and any lingering trauma.

It sounds as if you were able to have productive conversations with your partner about how you feel and that you both have established a plan and guardrails around consent moving forward. This is a very good way to ensure this doesn't happen again in the future. Have you been consistently sharing your feelings with your partner or do you feel prevented from doing that in any way? Have you both had a moment of emotional honesty where you were able to share exactly how much this hurt you and talk about ways trust can be instilled?

Sometimes it takes time to heal from an emotional trauma and if you are wanting to stay in the relationship, it may take time in the relationship to build trust again. I did find a relevant article that talks about sex and the heart. Since you are dealing with emotional pain in relationship to sex, I thought this might be insightful:

Safer Sex...For Your Heart: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... your-heart

[krystalklear]

I'm struggling with accepting that it maybe held these consequences for me. I still don't know how I feel about being in a relationship when it implies sexual trauma. I know it doesn't directly mean that the relationship is doomed, and I may be atributting a terrible meaning to it.

If I heal, with his help, I will advance in curing this for me and everything can and will be fine again. But it us hard for me to accept that someone who loves you that much can impact you in that way. Is there any chance tgat this isn't trauma, or that this doesn't havecto become trauma?

[krystalklear]

I never have held back in telling my partner everything I have felt and feel in thus situation. And we have never stopped comunicating.

[Tara]

Your emotional pain from this incident is whatever you decide it is or label it as. It does not need to be categorized as "trauma", though if it is, that doesn't necessarily mean it's something that cannot be healed. It may take some time. You may need to spend some time yourself reflecting on whether you can move forward in the relationship or not. If you do, you can also consider couples therapy as a potential solution for you both.

I have been in a couple of relationships where I have had similar things happen and I had to take some time to reflect on whether the things that happened were forgivable to continue the relationship, or not. One situation I was able to move on with the relationship and the other I was not.

Were you able to read the article I shared with you?

[krystalklear]

Whether or not it is trauma, or emotional pain, I've decided that I want to continue on with the relationship. And I will be going to couple's therapy. I believe in us and in the capacity to move on after it.

I saw the articule, and I felt like it had more advice on how to protectvyourself from the hurt from bad sex, where you don't respect your entire consent, and I don't think it is a bad reference, but what I need is more advice on how to heal from this incident, because I know it won't happen again.

I want to know abut these experiences, the one that made you continue and the other that you decided that was not acceptable.

That question is probably too invasive, so, sorry in advance, and if you don't want to share, it really is up to you. You don't need to tell me anything.

[KierC]

Hey Krystalklear

I hope it’s ok I’m popping in here. I’m wondering, if it’s okay with you, if I go back for a second and ask some questions that came up while reading this thread, so I can understand you better.

You mention that, in the first encounter, you don’t recall some of the details. Is there a reason you don’t remember some parts of it?

Separately, it sounds like we’ve been discussing the possibility of going to couple’s therapy. Do you currently have a therapist that you see on your own? I ask because it’s usually really helpful to go into couple’s therapy when both partners have their own experience with individual therapy first.

Reading through your posts in this thread, I’m observing a bit of conflict between two feelings. On the one hand, you trust him and you feel that he wouldn’t hurt you. But on the other hand, you’re feeling hurt because what happened was not fully consensual, both the time around getting your friend’s gift, and the time with the shampoo. You don’t want to view him as abusive, but you still feel hurt by what happened. Did I understand you correctly there?

[krystalklear]

I don't remember all of the details, but I know I wasn't trying to block the experience out of my mind. There is a lot of sex with him that I don't entirely remember, such as my first time with him, that wasn't traumatic because I only accepted/started sexual interactions on my own pace.

I have a conflict (that is slowly dissolving) between seeing him as a loving partner, and seeing that he hasn't always been able to see my full consent (not because he didn't want to respect it fully) and did things that hurt me. My mind is still trying to see those two realitied together, that he can hurt me and still be safe for me.

I don't have a therapist of my own. I plan to have one, but my parents won't pay me one, so I will have to take a job during college to afford one. It is my boyfriend who is going to pay for therapy.

[Sofi]

Hi krystalklear, hope it's okay if I jump in. I've caught up on your thread, and I agree with everything everyone else has said so far. I can tell you're really conflicted about this and it's causing some anxiety. While individual therapy first is ideal, couples therapy is still a good plan even if you can't get your own therapist until a bit later.

Can I ask, is the reason you don't remember a lot of your sexual encounters with him simply because of memory? Is it common for you to have trouble remembering things that happened within the last few months or years, or is that only the case with this specifically?

[krystalklear]

I don't think it is uncommon for me to not remember more sexual encounters with him, or another types of interaction. I can find it hard to keep track of those memories in general. It could be because our sexual routine is fairly consistent (I am usually very satisfied sexually and I can finish almost always with him) and I don't put a lot of importance on sex.

[Anya]

Hi krystalklear,

Popping in here! That makes a lot of sense about your memory when youve been with someone for a while, no one can rememeber everything.

I'm sorry it seems like this situation is causing you some real distress. With long term, or committed relationships, there are bound to be moments when you disagree, cross boundaries, and hit roadblocks. What is most important when these things happen is what you both do afterwards. If it seems like your partner is making a consious effort to grow and respect your boundaries then I wouldnt worry about big concepts like whether or not this "counts" as trauma. People make tend mistakes, its what reminds us were human, but the test of real care from a partner is whether they acknolege the hurt they have coused and work to do better in the future. This really just requires some good sit down conversations from the two of you, and if a couples therapist makes that easier then by all means. I will say though, a therapist by themself is not going to "fix" the issues for you, you have both got to be willing to communicate with your real, honest feelings.

A way I have found to be helpful in doing this in the past is by structuring a conversation with someone around two different concepts. Feelings, and actions. So I might start the conversation by explaining that I want to first just say the way these things made me feel, and expressing my discomfort, frustration, or whatever it may be. and then once we have both talked about our real emotions, we can move on to actions. "Now that I have told you i'm uncomfortable (which by itself, doesnt mean you have to do anything), we can start talking about what we do want to change." for example. seperating these things in our heads can help take away the stress your partner may experience to "fix" the problem as soon as you bring it up. doing this, creates space to figure out what to do next, together.

How does all of this sound? If you need some more guidance, here are a few articles of our I have found very helpful.
How Do I Bring Up My Sexual Limits And Boundaries?
Be Your Own Superhero: Learning How and When to Stand Up for Ourselves
HELLO, Sailor! How To Build, Board And Navigate A Healthy Relationship

[krystalklear]

I ser what you are saying and it really helps a lot. I went to the therapy sesion with my boyfriend and it reinforced what I thought: His intentions are very important, but the fact that it hurt me makes it a mistake that cannot be repeated. Because, even if it was an accident, it has to be resolved so it doesn't happen again. I know this won't happen again and I know that my limits and boundaries are very important, and the intention of my boyfriend to respect them is also really important to me.

It would have been a problem if he wasn't willing to understand that even if it wasn't his intention, he crossed my limits. But he is absolutely understanding of this and won't cross them again. A lot of communication is happening between the two of us to guarantee that.

[lilikoi]

Hi krystalklear,

I am happy to hear that you were able to get clarity about your boyfriend's intentions through a couple's therapy session. I want to validate that a breach of trust creates complex feelings. It makes sense that what happened would be troubling for you and hard to overcome.

For now, it probably isn't a good idea. In the few sexual encounters we had this week, I conducted and I stopped when I felt like I wasn't entirely in the moment (in oral sex), and it was all fine. It bothers me to feel more uncomfortable in the sex we may have, but I'll need to be patient with myself. For me, and for him, I need to stop pushing myself.

Reading through your post, you had a TON of wonderful insights. Not sure if you have reread any of it yet but I would recommend it! This quote I pulled feels really relevant. The issue you had was a breach in trust so part of feeling better will be to rebuild trust with your boyfriend. Trust building takes a lot of work! It might be easier if you start working on it in small ways outside of the bedroom. To avoid further confusion and pain and to emphasize love and connection, some people choose to take a break from sex following a situation like this. Is that something you would be interested in? Have you been able to stop pushing yourself like you mentioned in your post?

I have a conflict (that is slowly dissolving) between seeing him as a loving partner, and seeing that he hasn't always been able to see my full consent (not because he didn't want to respect it fully) and did things that hurt me. My mind is still trying to see those two realities together, that he can hurt me and still be safe for me.

Another beautiful insight and it sounds like one of the hardest parts of this whole thing. What happened was not okay. You know that, couple's therapy confirmed that your boyfriend knows that. But it is okay to take the time to let your heart question and consider whether your boyfriend's imperfections are too much for you to handle right now. A relationship is about comfort and should make you feel happy.

Your posts make it clear that you really want this relationship to work out and to be able to move on from this. I think in order to do that, you have to allow yourself to ask hard questions and fully evaluate the messy parts of your relationship. Moving too quickly past the pain you feel might make it hard to let go of in the long term. A question that could help you determine that could be, what is working in our relationship? What is not working in our relationship?

I just want to see him always for the safe person he is, for the love he has for me, and I want to see this situation as a mistake. But it is being very hard, even if I know this hasn't happened before, and it is not going to happen again in the future.
I need help to see this situation from another perspective. Is there something I've been missing for me to better understand everything? I have asked him a lot of questions about the situation and he always makes sure to answer me in a truthful manner.

To answer your question from this quote, I would say that there is a reason your body and mind are not letting you move past this feeling. We cannot identify that reason for you but I can write down some questions that could help narrow it down.

• When you focus on the bad feeling you have about this situation, is it anger, sadness, or something else? Is the main concern about what happened safety, general trust, respect? What emotion feels the most violated?

• Are you more upset with your boyfriend or yourself?

• Is there a past experience that this one reminds you of? It might not be sexual. I know that my experience growing up as a girl who was told to prioritize other people's needs makes it hard to advocate for my desires without feeling guilty.

• Outside of this sexual encounter with your boyfriend, is there anything in your relationship that has annoyed you that could be making it hard to let go of this?

Let us know what you think about all of that! No need to respond to all the questions. Focus on the ones that feel salient!

[krystalklear]

I think that it is valuable to question my relationship, and the fact that it has been hard should matter a lot to me.

I really look for my wellbeing in general, so I could say that
the reason for having hard feelings in general is because I've felt very hurt before, in other relationships, but not only on romantic relationships, but in friendships as well.

I didn't respect myself before, I had unclear boundaries.
And I felt direspected by an ex, who had doubts of being of the other gender but had sex with me. Months later, he/she said (I'm not sure if my ex still identifies as a woman) that they were trans.

Other friends took me as a caretaker and I was in the role of a protector. I can be really codependent at times.

In my own relationship, I've been bombarded by ROCD thoughts, about if I loved him correctly, if I was a good partner. Before, we also had problems about my relationship anxiety interacting with the anxiety about being a good friend. He didn't undertand me correctly before, and took my mistakes personally, and also my neutral actions.

However, this has been resolved, and not only on my part, but his, too. And I feel really loved and cared for. I feel like he cares a lot about me, always makes a great effort to understand me, even when he feels hurt. We built this relationship together, and I really feel like I am not the
only person making the effort to make everything easier.
He loved me before. But now, I feel very understood and the burdens of this relationship are something that we hold together.

The upset I have about the situation is the fear I have around being hurt.

I stopped pushing myself and my boundaries. I know that it isn't good for me or for him. And I'm very willing to stay with my boyfriend. We can move past this, and I can forgive him. I trust him, outside and inside the bedroom. I only need time to be able to have full-blown sex again.


I talked to him about iit, and, it truly isn't a problem for him. He is going to wait for me.

[HannahP]

Hi krystalklear!

I hear you about the fear of being hurt again in the future. I think that fear is really normal when you get hurt — just like if you fall off your bike, you might feel afraid of falling off again in the future. Often getting hurt makes us realize that we're vulnerable in a way that we hadn't been thinking much about before and that can be really scary.

I think that treating yourself gently while you're still tender and doing things to soothe your nervous system (things that make your body and mind feel calm and relaxed) will help that fear feel less intense. It also sounds like you're thinking about how you can change your actions in the future to protect yourself, by not pushing your boundaries in order to please your boyfriend. I think that practicing that will also help you to feel more safe and less afraid. Taking a break from sex and having positive experiences with your boyfriend will likely also help build your trust back up.

Is there anything in particular about your feelings that's still weighing on you that we could talk about more?

[krystalklear]

I don't think I have any more worries right now. I actually feel way calmer and positive towards my relationship and my boyfriend.

Thank you for all your help and perspective. I was able to talk to the therapist and my friends as well, and I feel very supported.

[KierC]

Hi Krystalklear

Oh, I am so glad that this is helpful and that you feel better. If you ever need more help or advice, we’re here for you!

[krystalklear]

Thanks!