Scarleteen

i've liked boys my whole life. seriously. only boys.
but in highschool i met a girl and i was instantly attracted to her. she's a bit more on the masculine side.
i graduated now, but everytime i see her, i still react and act the same way i would around a guy i have a crush on.
sorry, a bit embarrassing, but i have masturbated to her and *non-inappopriately* often have dreams about her also. but even in those dreams, i still have feelings for her.
i'm confused. do i like her because she is masculine,, or am i gay?? also i was not attracted to girls before this so now i'm just left feeling so lost and stupid for not figuring myself out.

Hi there, lilyst4r.

It might be that part of the issue here is that you're thinking there is only straight or gay. There isn't. Those are two poles of something that's actually a much, much bigger and more diverse spectrum. Very few people are actually strictly straight or strictly gay, too: what's much more common, even for people who are straight or gay, is for those folks to *mostly* be attracted to people of either the same gender (gay) or a different gender (straight), but to sometimes still be attracted to people outside those limits.

If you've mostly been attracted to boys, but you are now finding yourself attracted to a woman, it could be that maybe you're still straight, but like this person, or that you're some kind of queer -- like queer, bisexual or pansexual. It will be up to you and you will figure that out over time based on patterns in who you are attracted to and what feels right for you as an identity. Most people don't know for sure what their sexual identity is when they are as young as you are. I get it's been boys your whole life, but a handful of years of crushes isn't actually a whole lot of time. Sexual identity also doesn't stay the same for everyone from year to year or life phase to life phase, so even for people who do feel very sure about their orientations, those can sometimes change: in the teens, 20s, even way later in life like in someone's 50s, 60s or older!

It's hard to say why you are attracted to this girl, but when we are attracted to people, it usually is not just because of their gender or gender expression. Maybe you are attracted to her because she's masc/butch and that appeals to you, but chances are there are other things about her than just her gender that are part of your crush, you know?

I do want to add that we can't really have inappropriate dreams about someone. We can do whatever we want in dreams and it's all appropriate because dreams are only thoughts and feelings, not actions. <3

How does all of this sound to you?