how do I help my friend!?!

[Alok]

more friendship troubles, yay :/
I have a friend who i've known for... almost four years now wow. We started being very close three years ago. I would tell him everything, and now I'm realizing that he never really told me anything about himself, at least nothing personal. He wasn't a bad friend, by any means, he's always supportive and shows he cares in ways that aren't just saying it outright, but I've definitely told him a lot of secrets, and I don't know any of his (not saying that secrets have to be reciprocated mind you just setting the stage). We were close and at times he was my best friend to me, although I never said it outright. About two years back he met this girl and started calling her his best friend which... hurt, but y'know, not like i called dibs on him or anything. I got over it (its been a year lmao), they just sort of clicked.
About a year back he got a boyfriend and I'll be honest i was a bit jealous not of like the boyfriend part (I'm aro) but rather like how easily they made each other smile and like. How the boyfriend was able to help him in ways I couldn't. But at that point I finally had established friendgroups, other friends than just that one guy, so yeah. I was fine (and happy for them, they're adorable together), but recently I've been worried for him. He has these uniformly spaced bandages on his arms and I think he might be self harming? And a while back he was just kind of looking sad and told me and another friend that the best way to help him would be to be far enough away that we couldn't touch him (not telling us to go away, he meant physically like an arms reach away), and when one friend offered to get Boyfriend, he just said not to get him. I'm worried about him, but honestly he's a little bit allergic to talking about his feelings - to an unhealthy point imo. I'm not sure how to broach the subject, or if I should? we've only had a boundaries talk like once in our entire friendship and I don't think he's ever opened up to me (or any other mutual friend i've talked to) emotionally like... ever. to give you an idea of his non-communicating tendencies.

[Heather]

Hey there, Alok. Good on you for being such a caring friend.

Can I ask if you've recently approached this friend and just said something like, "Hey, I'm concerned about you. You have seemed sad to me, and those bandages on your arms have had me worried. How are you doing? Is there anything I can support you with?"

[Alok]

I haven't but I'm going to school like right now so i'll try it. I know it sounds obvious to just say that but I know my friend, he'll just say 'nah im fine' and if i ask if hes sure he'll repeat it. I'll try it, but i dont have high hopes. he's also scared of counselors so i don't want to tell ours.

[Andy]

Hi there Alok,

that sounds like a good plan! You know, it really isn’t in your control if he decides to share with you how he is doing or not. There isn’t a perfect set of instructions that if we follow, it will automatically make a person ask for help or share what they need (I so wish there was such thing!). It’s really nice and caring from you that you want to help him, and if he decides not to accept that invitation to talk, it’s his choice, so please don’t beat yourself up for it if that happens <3. It’s also possible he will wave it off now but will know you care about him and will reach out to you if he need to and when he is ready. So if you want, you can also tell him when you are available should he want to talk about it later. And no matter the result, we are here for you if you need any more assistance or want to talk about it afterwards!

Also, do you have an idea why he is scared of counselors?

[Alok]

ok so... it went about as well as could be expected! He didn't tell me anything when i asked if he was okay, just referenced a meme, but eventually i asked him if he was talking to anyone about it, and he said no, and i asked him to. He said "I'll think about it" but when i mentioned it again at the end of the day he was like "like that's happening" But we talked and he kind of nodded (never really agreed to talk to anyone about whatevers going on but.) and at least the idea is in his head.
I..... completely forgot to offer myself as someone he could talk to. I mean he pretty clearly didn't want to open up to me (or at least didn't want to do it in the corner of the hallway) so i just told him to talk to someone, at least.
ehm well. he told me he's scared because he once stabbed a girl in the stomach with a stick and the counselor got him in trouble (this sounds concerning. dw it was third grade and i don't think he's ever hit a person like for reals after that) but it's equally possible it's just his allergies to like emotions...
it also. i mean it kind of sucks that I can't help him! Like I know it's not me because like even Boyfriend who i dont know that well tbh has confided in me about personal stuff and that's what I'm good at! I'm great at helping people through issues and reassuring them and calming them down from panic attacks and shit and like. I feel like he doesn't see that part of me because I've confided in him before, and knowing that he knows my problems i'm worried it's twisting his view of things like in his mind I'll always be that kid who didn't know how to talk to people and told him everything. And he's nice enough to me, we're pretty good friends but i dont know.

[Michaela]

Hey Alok -- I hope you don't mind me hopping in here as well!

Even just asking if he was ok and showing that concern communicates to him that you care -- which can mean a lot to someone, especially if they may be struggling. Since it sounds like you haven't had the type of relationship in the past where he has shared a lot of personal things with you, it makes sense that he might not all the sudden let it all out (you added a good point about the location as well!). However, what you have done is open the door so he knows someone notices and cares about him, which is HUGE.

It can be really difficult when it feels like you can't help people you are worried about and it is also important to respect peoples boundaries if they are not wanting to talk about something -- which is sounds like you did a great job of!

Keeping an eye on him and letting him know that if he ever did want to talk to you, he could, is doing a lot...even if it might not feel that way.

School counselors can provide great support and they can also be quite intimidating for some. If you wanted, we could discuss how to bring up the counselor as a resource in way that he might be receptive to if that sounds like something that might be helpful.

[Alok]

I don't mind, thank you for answering ^^
Alright, yeah, it makes sense. At least I've done everything I can, the rest is his choice
I. I mean it was a stretch just getting him to talk to a friend. He's definitely not unloading on the person he's said he 'hates' or 'is scared of' (the lady herself is quite nice it's more the concept of her) I don't think the school counselor is gonna be helpful here, sorry

[KierC]

Hey there Alok,

You totally have done the best you can, and you’re being a really caring friend. That does make sense, I can appreciate not wanting to speak with a counselor you’ve had a bad relationship with in the past, you know? We bring up counseling not only because it’d be a way to make sure your friend gets help in a way that really does help, but also because when you’re worried about someone like this, sometimes urging them to involve a trusted adult is a safe thing to do. Do you have any thoughts on that?

[Alok]

Hi I forgot this thread existed. Um I mean we’re kinda at a shortage for trusted adults here lol. My parents suck, friend groups parents suck, idk his parent situation but well it’s pretty obvious he hasn’t chosen to talk to them, school counselor is out, and he’s not friends with any of the teachers. Now that I noticed how closed off he tends to be I’ve been trying to express affection more obviously and ask him things about himself (not pushing any boundaries just trying to . Talk) so idk. I for one am not an adult so.

[KierC]

Hey Alok,

Agh, I am so sorry to hear that there’s a shortage of trusted adults around you; nobody deserves that, and I’m sorry that you’re in this position of helping each other yourselves. I remember this thread when it started, and I really feel for you for caring so much for your friends in difficult times. It sounds like you noticed your friend closes off pretty easily, and that you’re asking him more questions to see if he’s comfortable sharing. I think that’s a great plan! Like Michaela said, letting him know that you’re here for him and that he can talk to you if he wants to, is doing a lot. <3

How have things been going with this friend, and with you? I know it’s been a minute!

[Alok]

Well uh we talked a bitttt over the summer, not much tho. He sits with us at lunch now!! Which is a step up but I never sit next to him because this one girl who loves to say slurs always sits next to him and like I don’t like her . But we have been alright. No emotional conversations but not a TOTAL lack of contact either so eh.

[lilikoi]

Hi Alok! It sounds like you've found a good balance with this friend now. Let us know if anything changes or there is anything else we can support you with!