Sex

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

I've been seeing someone new and we thought about having sex. I'm pretty nervous since I'm a virgin and I've never done sex with someone else before.

I'm mostly worried about whether I'll like it or not, or if I'll be uncomfortable with it. I've been questioning my sexuality a lot recently, and I'm worried I won't like sex with them because of it. I've also thought about unwanted pregnancies, STDs, and other issues but I've mostly rationalized all of them because I've realized that as long as we use adequate protection there's a high chance that those things can be avoided.

I've given the person I'm seeing blowjobs before, and some of them have been great experiences for me, while others were pretty bad and I've liked some of the ways that they touched me before, but they haven't done anything further than that. We're seeing each other tomorrow by the way, so that'll probably be the first time.

I've talked to them about this, and they've agreed to go slowly with me and they've never crossed any boundaries before, so I don't feel too worried about that.

I just don't want anything to go wrong and I'm a little nervous. Do yall have any advice for things like this?

[lilikoi]

Hi gnarp_gnarp_2! Welcome to the boards.

It sounds like you have done a lot of the prep work already! Great work!

You have spoken to your partner about your feelings. You are with someone who respects your boundaries. You researched safety and protection. Seriously, your instincts are great!

Still, it's normal to feel nervous about a new experience. When you say you don't want anything to go wrong, what do you mean? What would it look like for things to go wrong?

My number one piece of advice for any nervousness before intimacy is to know that you can always change your mind. That way, as you are taking things slow, you know that you are doing what is right for you throughout the experience. You could even talk to your partner about the potential of that happening so you know you're both on the same page. Other than that, what sorts of things do you do when you are feeling nervous about a new experience outside of the bedroom? Do you talk to friends about it? Do you make sure you get a good night's sleep? Those simple things might help you feel in more control and comfortable for this as well.

In case more exposure to the topic is helpful, here's an article that addresses the specialness of a first time: How can I make my first time special?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Hi lilikoi

Thank you for replying. I’m just afraid I won’t like it

[Heather]

Hey there, gnarp.

It might help to know what you mean when you say "sex."

When we say sex here, and in sex education in general, we usually mean anything a person can do to express their sexuality, but since you've already talked about one kind of sex -- blow jobs -- it sounds like you're asking about another specific kind of sex, since you're saying "it" here. Can you fill us in so we can best help you?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

I meant like penetration in general

[Heather]

I don't personally use that term (penetration), for a few reasons, and the two biggest are that it does a terrible job of describing what it feels like to have wanted, consensual sex that involves something being inside an orifice, and as a result, people tend to wind up scared and freaked out by it because of what it makes those activities sound like. I share that with you in case you're one of those folks. <3

Are you talking about, then, sex where you are surrounding something within your vagina or anus? Or something specific, like fingers, a penis or a toy?

And can I also ask you to talk a little about why you're concerned you won't like this kind of sex? I ask because I want to make sure you know that people do and don't like all kinds of things sexually, and it's always okay for us or anyone else not to like or want to do something.

[Heather]

Can I also ask how you feel about this being a probably for tomorrow? It's sounding to me like you're still pretty unsure about this, and if that's the case, the idea you will do this tomorrow sounds like it might be putting some pressure on you. Is this something you actually want to do tomorrow?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Im more so talking about fingers/penises and things like that. Since I’ve been questioning my sexuality recently and I’m not sure if I’m still attracted to the gender of the person I’m seeing. But the thing is, I think I am still sexually attracted to them because I want to have sex with them still, just not all the time though I’m not sure if that’s normal or not.

I’m sort of nervous but also excited for it because it’s something different from what we’ve been doing; however, I’m starting to see it as similar to just seeing each other how we usually do, which makes me more calm about things but idk if that’s normal either.

Overall, I just want to go really slow with this type of sex since it’s still sort of unfamiliar to me

[Heather]

Thanks for that extra information, that's all really helpful.

You know, who we are attracted to sometimes isn't about what gender of people -- or any other super-broad category -- we are attracted to. I think a lot of the time, it all comes down to if we are or aren't attracted to that individual person or not, especially since that is about more than just their gender. So, how about you just think about how you feel about this unique person, as a whole person. Is this person someone you want to be sexual with? If so, are there p-articular ways you want to be sexual with them, and some ways you don't or aren't sure about?

I do think it's normal to feel more calm about these kinds of sex when you stop thinking about them as being wildly different than other ways of being sexual. Really, the only thing that makes them different is that they do or can come with risks of pregnancy that aren't there or higher risks of STIs. It can also feel emotionally different to have someone inside your body. For more on that, this piece, which is all about that, might be a helpful piece for you to read: Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry.

Since you want to go really slow, perhaps if tomorrow still feels right for you when it actually is tomorrow and you're with this person, maybe you can start just by seeing how a lubed fingertip inside your orifice feels for you? How it feels both physically and emotionally, and then take it from there?

Too, have you and this partner already established that any time you are together and being sexual that nothing is ever set in stone in terms of what you might do? In other words, is there a clear agreement and dynamic that either or both of you always get to take something *off* the table at any given time if it doesn't feel right or wanted?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Hi, I just wanted to give an update.

To answer your questions we could take stuff off the table if either of us didn’t want to do something anymore, though we didn’t have any lube and I wish we did.

My experience was a little awkward but I enjoyed it overall and my partner did too, but I want to wait a little bit before having sex again, though I don’t know if that’s normal.

[Heather]

I'm not sure what you're asking about per what is and isn't normal. Can you say more?

In terms of having things like lube, that's the benefit of slowing down enough, at least, to have the time we need to be prepared for things, rather than rushing in when we're not all the way ready. How about before you feel like you might want another next time of being sexual with a partner, you both get yourself some lubricant, but also think through what you know or feel like you need, and be sure to talk about that with your partner and then work together to be sure you both have whatever it is you need, whether that's something practical like lube, a conversation about wants or boundaries, or having a better sense of what you want?

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Hi,

I’m sorry for responding so late but by normal I mean I don’t know if my thoughts and feelings are real or if that’s how I’m supposed to be feeling in that moment.

[mikky]

hey gnarp_gnarp_2, I am going to respond to your new thread with your reply in mind.