Scarleteen

hi so, im 18 and im in a relationship, and when we have sex my partner often wants to finger me. duh, kind of. except i don't like it at all. when they put their fingers inside me even a little bit it's super uncomfortable so i tell them to stop. i was talking to them about it and telling them how it felt, but it made them confused because they said that they can't really even feel it when i finger them, like it's just easy for them. it makes me feel bad because i want to let them and i really try to not be uncomfy but it doesn't work and they want to. and now im thinking about possible future relationships, and how i should probably be okay with people putting their fingers in me but i canttt! ive never even been able to put a tampon in. i think there's something wrong with me. what's going on and what do i do?

Hi there, raine!!

I’m sorry you are experiencing this, it sounds really rough.
What really stands out for me in your message is how you are talking about what your partner wants from you, what future partners might want or what you, or your partner, think you should feel. All the while, it should be about what you want and what feels good to you, no less. All bodies are different, can do different things, feel pleasure differently and have different needs (more on that here:Ask not what your body can do for you, but what you can do for your body!)
. And trying to make them do things that don’t feel good, especially just because other people want us to do them, is not kind to ourselves. Just like you wouldn’t buy a chocolate ice-cream only because your friend likes this, even though you hate it, or are even allergic to it. Can you see what I’m getting at with this?

So firstly, I wanted to check with you, about how do you feel discussing sex, and other things, with your partner? Do you feel comfortable sharing what you want to do and what not? How does your partner react if your preferences are different than theirs?

Secondly, it might also be helpful to bring this concern up with a gynecologist. Even if you won’t want inserting anything to be part of your sex life, they could help you with things like tampons or pap smears. How does that sound?

Yes, I see what you mean. Thank you for the reminder.

I feel pretty good discussing sex/other things with my partner. Sometimes I feel like I don't have the vocabulary to express certain things, but overall I do feel comfortable. They do always listen to me when I tell them what I want to do or what I don't want to do. When this happened most recently, they asked me if they could try to finger me and I said yes, but then I said I didn't like it and they didn't push it. I think they just didn't understand because what I feel is different to what they feel. They kind of thought I was being dramatic? Not in a rude way though, I think they just didn't know.

Bringing it up with a gynecologist did cross my mind, I don't know if I am brave enough or ready to do that right now but I wish I was. I probably should.

Thank you for replying!

Hi again, raine, and sorry you had to wait so long for an answer.

I’m relieved and glad to hear you feel safe discussing things with them and that they listen to you. Finding the words to talk about sex can be tough, after all, it is not usually something we get much education on and chances to practice it before we need it. The good news is that: a) you don’t have to know all the terms or understand everything to be able to have these conversations, b) it is a skill that can be practiced and we have a great article about it, including some sample conversations: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner Hoping you find it helpful!

That being sad, it is not nice to be seen as dramatic by someone, and especially not by a partner in a vulnerable position. How would you feel about bringing this up to your partner and telling them how it made you feel and what you need from them next time in a similar situation? After all, we don’t need to have the exact same feelings or experiences like other people, to see their feelings as valid.

I hear that, doctor’s appointment can feel intimidating! Is there something specific about the possible appointment that you are worried about? Do you already have a gynecologist?