How do I manage my own feelings while also supporting my friends?

[McQueen_9587]

I’m currently a sophomore in college, and I’ve never had any romantic or sexual experiences. I know it's normal not to be as ‘experienced’ as other people my age, but I can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me. Recently, one of my close friends began seeing a guy who lives in her dorm building. She always tells me about how he got her flowers, or went out to dinner, or how they kissed on multiple occasions. I am happy for her, truly, but at the same time, I feel jealous, and I want to experience something like that. My school is going to give out free Plan B at our student health center sometime, and she mentioned getting one ‘just in case’, and so we were joking about it, and I mentioned that if I got one, it would expire before I even got to use it. She laughed and said that it's been over a year for her. I don’t know why, but I always just assume that everyone is a virgin, so I was just kind of like “oh yeah, haha”. But then my other friend was asked to go to dinner with a guy who also lives in her dorm. I am also happy for her, but again, I am jealous. I also feel like I am not likable or attractive because I’ve never had a guy try to initiate anything with me.

Recently, over the summer, I began questioning if I am asexual, but I am not sure. I want to be in a romantic relationship, but I don’t know if I want the sex part. But at the same time, I’ve never actually gotten to that point. I also hardly ever find any guy attractive. I go to a large school, and I will be walking around campus, and I never find anyone actually attractive. I don’t know if that’s a part of my ‘problem’? I want all of these things, but I can never actually find anyone to do anything with.

So I guess my question is: how can I be happy for my friends and support them, while also dealing with my own feelings of jealousy and insecurity about my lack of experience?

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards. I'm glad you found us. <3

I do first want to say that in our current era, you're pretty representative of what's "average" when it comes to dating and romantic and/or sexual relationship experience. It's much more common now for someone your age to NOT have had that experience than it is to have had it or to be having it. So, for starters, I'd not figure any of this is about you being a problem or having a problem. It sounds much more to me like you simply haven't had the opportunities yet you'd need to explore: like, it sounds like you haven't yet encountered people you feel either romantic or sexual attraction to (you say men, but if you haven't yet felt attracted to men, it might be because men aren't who you feel some or all of that attraction to, thus my saying people). If you want, we can talk about that at some point. But for now, it does sound like you're in a bit of a holding pattern that's probably going to stay that way at least until you meet someone, or more than one someone, you feel romantic or sexual attraction to.

I think a big part of dealing with feelings like you're having around your friends experiences involves doing exactly what you're doing right now: identifying those feeling, naming them, and then just letting yourself have them. Too, sometimes these kinds of feelings in these situations can actually be useful in helping us figure out what *we* want in relationships: lile, what parts really make you feel like that's something you want for yourself? That can make seeking out what you want easier. But I think you also just need to give yourself permission to feel bad sometimes and just let it be.

In terms of feeling happy for your friends happiness or success, that's actually a relationship skill, too -- skill doesn't really feel like the best word for this, maybe affinity is better -- one that we need in all kinds of relationships. In any kind of relationship with anyone, be it platonic, romanic, familial, sexual, there are going to be times where the person or people we are involved with have things we want but don't have or don't have yet: job or academic success, community recognition, kinds of love, how healthy they are, how financially stable they are, etc. And it's often hard to balance happiness we feel, for them with the ache that can cause in reminding us what we want and don't have for ourselves. I think it's also fair to say that the deeper the love we have for someone is, the easier it can be to be happy for them with stuff like this, because the more invested in their happiness we are, you know?

Can you say a little more about how these relationships uniquely are? Are they new, or have you been friends with these folks for a while now? How invested do you feel in their happiness and well-being?

One last thing:

I also feel like I am not likable or attractive because I’ve never had a guy try to initiate anything with me.

Initiating is a two-way street, and why people feel comfortable or don't initiating certain kinds of interest or wants with someone is often about a lot more than if they find someone attractive or likable. Sometimes, people are looking for a certain openness vibe before they do that that they just aren't getting, for example, things they are trying to read from body language that may or may not be an accurate representation. Other times, why someone isn't initiating with someone is because they aren't available, or they aren't in the space of wanting to try and create new relationships, because people are shy, etc.I juust don't think any of this is about proving anyone's appeal: it's just more complicated than that, as you might be able to surmise from any number of people you've never yourself initiated things with. <3

Are there mental health resources at your college? Sometimes talking some or all of this stuff out with a therapist can be really helpful.

[McQueen_9587]

Hi, thank you for your reply!

The first friend I mentioned, let’s call her Jane, we met last February but we recently became much closer this august since we have the same major. I would say she’s currently my closest friend right now. Whenever she talks about this guys, let’s call him Ryan, she always gets super excited. Yesterday she told me that he finally asked her to be his girlfriend. I can tell Ryan makes her extremely happy and she deserves it. I would say that I want the best for her.

My second friend I mentioned, let’s call her Emily, we’ve been friends for over a year now but we aren’t as close. We usually only go to our school’s sporting events occasionally. That’s really the only time we actually talk. I would say I want her to be happy, I wouldn’t say I’m actively praying on her downfall, but I’m not as invested in her happiness as I am Jane’s if that makes sense. Emily now currently isn’t talking to that guy the last I heard, I think I was more jealous that she had gotten someone’s attention rather than wondering if they would make a good couple.

My school does have some mental health services, but I’ll have to look into them more.

[Anya]

Hey McQueen_9587,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling kind of left out right now. It's totally understandable how you would see your friends engaging with other people in this way and want that for yourself, we've all felt, or feel that at different times.

I notice that you mention the idea of feeling wanted, and that's certainly a pretty widely desired feeling, but that when you look around your school you don't necessarily see people who you want. I'm curious, the feeling you want to experience being felt for you, (or at least something that motivates romantic actions), have you ever felt that for someone else? I know that you said you questioned asexuality for a bit, and i'm not asking this to move in that direction per say, but I want to know a little more about your own history with romantic feelings.

I think if you do find that the want is there on your part, maybe you see someone at the mall or a coffee shop or something, (and I know this is scary) but there really is no harm in doing some of the initiating yourself. As someone who has felt quite similar to what you might feel right now, it did honestly take me initiating almost all of my connections to actually get to know the people I wanted to. And i'm more than glad I did! There are countless reasons someone might not initiate with you even if they want to, so asking is sometimes the only way to know.

Now, if this doesn't feel like you in terms of the even "having feelings" part, there are a few ways we could go. Like Heather said, we are happy to talk about all the fluidity and confusion that comes with sexuality, but I do also wanna throw another thing out there. Romantic/sexual relationships don't have to be the only relationships you have with people who show up for you in the way that you want. Often when i've been in this slump of feeling oh so undesirable, it ends up being my friends who I turn to for that same "wanted" feeling. Because at the end of the day, these are still people who want to be around you. Maybe if you feel comfortable communicating at least just the things that you do want to a friend, it might open some doors for yourself. Some things i've personally started doing with my friends are scheduling friend dates, getting eachother gifts just because, and telling eachother "i love you." It might not be the passionate desire that you hope for, but it's not for nothing that these people chose you.

Lastly, I think that seeking out you school's mental health resources is a great idea. They can often be very helpful in at least finding a space to air all of these feelings, but if there's one thing they're gonna make sure to tell you, and that we'll tell you too, it's that you are never alone in this <3