Scarleteen

Hey there, got kind of a weird question to ask:

So, I have very specific circumstances when it comes to being able to orgasm: I need to use my vibrator (which is, for the most part, an easy thing to do), and I need porn with certain aspects to it.

My orgasm rate is very hit or miss, so while it has been possible for me to get off to reading some easier to find scenarios, the one that consistently has been a source of pleasure has been stuff involving massage.

However...I've been stuck using the same two hentai comics over the years because they fit the qualifications that don't leave me feeling gross afterward. These two have a specific female gaze in mind to them: women's proportions and desires are at the focus, and while I am not a woman, I can't get off to this stuff happening to men because I do not have the same "equipment", and when it happens to women in comics aimed at men, it's much more "rape-y" feeling.

And after visting the one website that had these both, I checked my anti-malware site to see that a bunch of potenially risky stuff was detected. This is the second site I've been on for these, as the last one's sketchiness almost left me with a virus. Now it's happening again.

Now you may ask, "Why's that a problem? Surely 'woman experiencing consensual massage from a man' exists in porn."

I'm sure it does! But I *can't* do anything of real people. I find real people's bodies and fluids gross and unsanitary, even on a screen. Same goes for audio, it makes me feel dirty. And I can only get off to this in writing when it is either prexisting characters I know, or OCs (who are adults and unrelated). I've tried a fanfic website for "massage" before, and even then it still runs into the problems that left me stuck on these two comics: it's being done to a cis man by a woman, or it's fully nonconsensual.

(In the one case that I took a risk on a popular OC, or "original character" story, this time featuring trans men as they're written more in stories than hentai manga, I left distraught and with a new, unwanted kink that makes me sick to my stomach. It was just the one writer, not the site, and I've blocked it, but the deep scarring from that encounter has made me wary).

So what do I do? Theoretically, I could commission art, but that's not something I can afford, and I'd rather not have anyone find out about this kink/fetish I feel very weird about having, let alone have said person get my card info or PayPal.

Should I just go back to the stuff that's been easy to find, but has a lower chance of giving me an orgasm?

Sorry for the long post, I know it's a strange one. I just don't have anyone IRL I can consult about this (I don't discuss sex stuff with the few friends I have, and I've never had a partner). Maybe I'm overthinking things, and it will work out with the easy-to-find, on-a-safe-site stuff. Still, I thought it was worth asking.

Hi there, Shybiguy!

Don't worry! This isn't strange, and we don't mind a long post--it is often really helpful to hear detail with nuanced questions and topics like these. We'd be happy to help you think through this problem.

...I'd rather not have anyone find out about this kink/fetish I feel very weird about having...

You don't have to commission art if it doesn't feel safe or affordable, of course. But I'm wondering what makes you feel like your interest is weird, and that you can't let anyone find out about it?

On our side, we don't usually like to frame sexual interests as kinks or fetishes, in part because these words often leave people with a sense that they are doing something wrong. Plainly, I can see nothing weird about being interested in massages, and there is nothing strange about your preferred dynamic. I bet a lot of people could relate to you, either by enjoying the activity themselves, or by understanding the appeal.

Should I just go back to the stuff that's been easy to find, but has a lower chance of giving me an orgasm?

You might spend more time with material that is easier to find, but that doesn't mean you have to give up on exploring media about massages. It might just take a while for you to find material that matches your preferred dynamic again. A long-term, indefinite solution could be to explore media and fandoms with an eye to those that might have the dynamic you want in fanfic... For now, would it be possible to take precautions against the malware on those comic sites, and visit to save the stories you like? Do you think you could use filters to hide the dynamics and activities that you don't like on fanfic sites? Have you thought about developing and/or writing your own fantasies that involve this interest?

Hi Latha! Thank you for the quick response.

I guess I feel that it's "strange," because I've always had sort of sexual feelings about it, even since I was a kid. I would play "spa" the way other kids would play "doctor," as a way to explore curiosity about having my body touched or touching other people's bodies, but the minute I got old enough to realize it was a sexual thing, I started feeling a lot of shame.

Sex has always been a source of shame for me, because despite having a family that doesn't condemn it, I am autistic and have OCD, which have complicated matters. Being autistic led to certain late bloomer situations, like masturbating in public at a later age than many kids did, and not stopping until I got caught about a year in. This, tied into OCD seeing sexual activities, fluids, etc. as "dirty" and "gross" (to a literal extent, I have to thoroughly clean things after masturbation) has led to even what I've learned is a fairly common sexual interest (massage, I'm choosing not to describe it as a "kink/fetish") feeling "abnormal."

I don't think I'm going to return to this particular comic website, as shortly after making this post, I learned it did end up giving me a virus that caused major stress, but I do think I am going to give the fanfic website a second shot, and be more vigliant when it comes to tags and filtering. Now that I think about it, I do recall having found a few stories that actually met my criteria a while back on the fanfiction site, I'll try returning to them in the future.

I have written explicit fanfiction in the past, though never directly exploring massage. I think I'll try that as well, even if I do find sexual content made by myself less arousing.

Thank you for your help, and apologies if this was TMI! It's a relief to know my sexual interest isn't abnormal or shameful the way I thought it was.

So glad we were able to help, shybyguy! I agree with Latha 100%. Let us know if you need anything else!

Hello, Shybiguy!

I'm sorry that the comic website ended up being such a source of stress! But, good luck with finding the stories you like!

I do want to add that it isn't actually that unusual for people to be able to trace sexual interests back to their experiences as a child, and that many of us have different timelines for learning about sex, sexuality, and norms of behavior. I know it isn't always easy to change these feelings, but if it helps at all to hear a different voice on this, you have nothing to be ashamed of.