Scarleteen

Hi. For a while now, I have felt that I am not a girl, but when I tried to come out in 5th grade, my parents refused to use my pronouns, and I ended up feeling defeated and just went back into the closet. Recently, for some reason gender dysphoria has been kicking my ass but I have no idea what to do about it. I already feel unattractive as a girl, but sometimes I can get myself all dolled up and look objectively pretty. I don't really like being feminine and it often makes me anxious and nauseous when I am being very feminine presenting, but I do like the compliments I get and the sense of "other girls are there for me". Anyways, I have minor scoliosis that makes my upper back flatter than the average person, giving the illusion that my butt is really big in comparison to the rest of my side profile. This has always bothered me and it's one of my biggest insecurities, but it really makes me appear very feminine. I also of course have wide hips and I'm not flat chested, which are the other things that are associated with a woman's body that I can't change very easily. I've though about binding my chest but I already struggle with pretty severe back pain on the daily so I don't think it would be worth it. Also, my main concern is my butt and I don't know if there are butt binders. But even if there is, I can't help but think about what I'd do if I became sexually active. I already lack confidence as a girl but I feel like my body is attractive enough that I wouldn't be too scared (that is if I stayed presenting as a girl). I know every body is beautiful in their own way, but I'm sure I'm not the only teenager who struggles to wrap their head around that concept and completely ditch the patriarchal ideas nailed into our brains. I hate thinking about sex anyways and have found I have a very low libido so I just don't a lot, but recently I got a crush on a friend from school and can't turn the freaky thoughts off and it's killing me. The boy I have a crush on is trans and I have no problem accepting the idea of his body because well, I find him really attractive and also I know that sex is so much more than just what is pushed into my head from the media. Also I don't really seem to have the same standards for other people as I do for myself, as I've found it's a lot more difficult to deconstruct when I want to be liked by other people. Anyways, all that being said I feel like even if I was somehow able to get my body to look masculine with clothes on, how would I do that with clothes off? I feel like I'm not really a good-looking girl, but I'd make for a genuinely ugly boy. Also not to mention, so much of my closet is really feminine clothes and even my glasses are feminine, and I couldn't afford to replace those things any time soon. Bro make it stopppp I can't do this gender stuff

Hi embee! Sorry to hear you're experiencing dysphoria, it's a tough thing to go through and you're super valid in how you're feeling. We're more than happy to talk to you about all this.

Firstly, I highly suggest reading this article: Trans Summer School: Gender Expression Gear, it's part of an amazing series we have called Trans Summer School (which I suggest browsing, there's SO much helpful info in there!)
After reading that, what are your thoughts on some of the ideas given? Do you think you could work some of them in, such as trying to find a trans clothing swap?

As far as how to look more masculine without clothes on, you could always keep on a binder/sports bra/bandeau during sex, and you could try packing in the future. If you get on testosterone therapy in the future, your body will also change (see: Trans Summer School: Testosterone for more on this). Your clothes and things like glasses are something you'll slowly change, even if one piece at a time, but each new clothing item or accessory that is gender affirming and feels more like you can be celebrated as a win.

Let me know your thoughts or any questions you might have so far - I don't want to overwhelm you with too much info from the jump