Struggling to Separate Trauma-Linked Fetish from My Relationship & Self-Worth

[ThanasisIsGod]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been wrestling with something deeply personal and I’m hoping to find some understanding and guidance here. For as long as I can remember (since childhood) I’ve had a sharing/cuckold fetish that’s tied to early experiences and unresolved trauma. It centers around fantasies of my partner being with other "better" men, especially people I know, and while it brings a strange sense of comfort or relief (especially during stress or feelings of inadequacy), it also leaves me feeling ashamed, “less than,” and disconnected from the version of myself I want to be.

I’m in a committed long distance relationship with someone I care about deeply. She sees me as confident, capable, and secure, but I’ve never told her about these fantasies or the internal conflict they cause. I’m know that if she knew, she’d see me as weak and not the “man” she thought I was. I’ve built a lot of my self-worth around being strong, healthy, and in control (through school, sports, fitness), but when I fall into old patterns like using porn or weed to cope, this fetish resurfaces and reinforces my feelings of worthlessness.

The hardest part is that my brain has linked this fetish to emotional safety. It feels like a twisted comfort zone, even though it contradicts my values and goals. I want to show up fully in my relationship without secrecy or shame, and I want to heal the part of me that equates vulnerability with failure. But I don’t know how to untangle trauma from desire, or how to move toward a healthier sense of masculinity that includes empathy, honesty, and self-acceptance, not just confidence.

Has anyone navigated something similar? How do you work through a fetish that’s rooted in pain without letting it define your worth or sabotage your relationship? And for those who’ve opened up to a partner about difficult fantasies: how did you approach it, and what helped you feel safe doing so?

I’m trying to build a life aligned or at least close with my “ideal self,” but I keep hitting this wall where my past and my desires feel at odds with who I want to become. Any support, resources, or shared experiences would mean a lot.

Thank you for holding space for this.

[Sofi]

Hi there! Before I say anything else, can I confirm you were in chat with us earlier? If so, that'll help me and any other volunteers, so we don't repeat the same questions you already answered in the chat, and can pick up where you left off.

[ThanasisIsGod]

Yep! I was in chat with Mikkin

[lilikoi]

Hi ThanasisIsGod,

I really appreciate you posting this on our boards. What a relatable but vulnerable topic particularly considering the pressure masculinity imposes to pretend like people don't have trauma and emotional internal conflicts.

There are so many pieces to this puzzle but first and foremost, you mentioned early experiences and unresolved trauma. Sometimes starting at the root is a great way to untangle shame and not-good-enough-ness from ourselves. Do you feel comfortable sharing more about the experience you mentioned?

In case that is not something you feel comfortable with right now, we can start somewhere else. It sounds like you perceive the cuckold fantasy as inherently weak, unhealthy, and demeaning. My understanding of fantasy is that it is an opportunity for your brain to work out feelings that feel inaccessible in actuality. Sort of like play. Sometimes our feelings of shame about the fantasy reinforce our insecurities. I would encourage you to allow yourself some leeway with this fantasy and direct your self-work towards daily instances where the feelings emerge instead.

Can you talk more about your relationship? In chat you mentioned a dream man that your partner has in mind. Have you two talked about ways that she loves you despite your being flawed? Are there other parts of your life where you feel the need to be an ideal or unflawed person?

[ThanasisIsGod]

Yeah, I appreciate you for hearing me out! Honestly feels freeing and safe. So I feel comfortable sharing all this because I want to get to the root of this trauma and grow with your help.

The experiences I mentioned were being bullied at school, physical abuse from my parents, the lack of security and trust in my parents, constantly comparing myself with other kids in school. One of the bullies had joked about my mother getting with them and the fantasy would grow like a weed in my mind, amplified by having a deep imagination that loves dopamine.

It led to so many different fantasies that I wouldn't like to play out in real life and I believe they stem from my inner lack of self esteem. There are times when I'm not in this rut, but other times I'll really live it. Currently, the fantasy has reached the train station of my girlfriend being with specific men (together, separate, so many variations, etc). Sometimes I'll have a healthy fantasy of sharing her with others but a lot of times it takes a turn and leads to the other guy satisfying her better and taking her from me (very fear-driven, it gives me a rush). I think I can have a healthy secure capacity for sexual intimacy I just need to believe in myself more.

Our relationship is very passionate and we feel extremely comfortable in each other's spaces. We feel at peace with each other. We're focused on growing together. She loves and understands me despite being avoidant sometimes, and we want the best for the other. I know her views on sex and porn. She will 100% say this is from porn addiction and trauma and is something that should be fixed.

I aim to be the best at everything, from sports to school to socializing. The best I can do meaning the most present I can be. I understand this may not be realistic but I still try regardless.

I understand this sounds very male-centric and as if this fantasy just revolves around me and my own feelings of myself. As if I'm some kind of master director who can shoot pornography of my girlfriend with whoever I want.

I don't want to make it about me. I want to be able to connect and be present with others without always having this stuff be lingering in my mind.

[amber]

Hi ThanasisIsGod,

I hope it is alright for me to jump in here!

I want to start by saying I am so sorry that you have been through so much. I am glad that you are able to feel comfortable sharing here.

You mentioned believing this discomfort is stemming from lack of self-esteem and you also seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Would you say that is accurate? You have been through so much and although it is great to want to improve that is not something that can happen overnight. Have you ever thought about seeking help from a mental health professional to talk through the root of your trauma?

Healing takes time and a lot of work as I am sure you know. A good start may be giving yourself some grace and patience as you navigate having these fantasies which make you uncomfortable.

On another note, as lilikoi mentioned, a cuckold fantasy is not inherently degrading or male-centric. Like all sexual interests, it does not need to stem from some form of trauma either. Changing that mindset may help ease some of the stress you are feeling surrounding having those fantasies. How does hearing this mindset make you feel?

This is a longer reply but I also wanted to send over this article. We have a variety of articles on healing from trauma, but I thought this one may be a good start if you were willing to give it a read - How To Soften Yourself and Be Stronger at The Same Time .

[ThanasisIsGod]

Of course, it's more than all right! I want more people to see this thread so if they're facing this or they know someone who's facing this maybe they can relate and get even more context.

I appreciate you guys hearing me out and just giving me the time.

I would say that is accurate yeah. That much pressure can be counterintuitive and it blocks my energy and thoughts rather than letting myself flow intentionally. I used to go see a therapist when I had a job but I never shared this which I kinda regret. I couldn't open myself to say it out loud. When I left work, I wasn't able to afford sessions anymore. If I find a more affordable option, I definitely intend to address this more head on.

Generally I agree with you that cuckolding may not be always degrading, but I feel as if I wouldn't have this fantasy without the degradation I've went through. In the sense that without those experiences or neglect I wouldn't have ventured to this fantasy but I guess I'd never be able to know. That's why I'm skeptical at myself when I tell myself this fantasy can be healthy and work into my life and relationship. I always end the self-convo with "it's not compatible with my life if I am to be who I am". I wouldn't know what a healthy practice of this would be like.

Also I love that article, I totally agree with it and want to implement the suggestions the guide has. I could answer yes to almost all the questions in it. I feel like a lot of my relationships with people I can't connect because I'm so far removed and different from them. That I have this space or wall between us that we'd never be able to get and stay on each other's perspective. Really great read. Relaxing my fight-or-flight and empathizing would go a long way.

[mikky]

Hey there, really glad to see you over here on the boards- I was in chat with you over the weekend.

I am also really glad that amber shared that article, and I think some self-tenderness could be so helpful for you. I know you’ve mentioned feeling that you feel generally like others aren’t trustworthy to be vulnerable with. How have those close to you reacted to vulnerability- from yourself or others?

As for your fantasies, it seems like you have a strong sense here that this is not something you feel values-aligned with. You also talked similarly about consuming sexual media in general. What might a soft-but-strong response to these fantasies and habits look like for you? Would building your self worth in a compassionate and tender way help you process fantasy without panic that it is consuming your relationship?

[ThanasisIsGod]

As for how others have acted when I’ve been vulnerable with them, usually it’ll be judgement or they’ll turn around and tell someone else about it. My parents would never keep private things secret, nor would my grandparents. My friends would also tell amongst each other. I never found someone stable who I could trust to hold it down. I always found comfort in fixing things myself or letting it go.

Yes absolutely, building myself up in a comfortable and natural way has to be it. A strong but soft response would be me not watching porn and just embracing the love of my long distance girlfriend until we meet again. Soft but strong would be getting my sexual satisfaction only by having sex with her. It’s hard to execute as I’ve had a porn addiction for 10 years. The only way to stop feeling the shame and insecurity would be to stop lapsing and deepening into my fantasy and knowing I can have another way of satisfying myself with her. The only thing in the back of my mind is I know the feeling or orgasm wouldn’t hit me in the same angle and depth as the fantasy would.

[KierC]

Hey ThanasisIsGod!

I hope it’s okay I’m hopping in here. I’m so sorry to hear how people in your life have reacted to your vulnerability. It is so crappy to turn around and tell others things that you’ve told them in confidence… I’m so sorry you had that experience! I can understand how it might make it hard to open up in the future. Is your girlfriend someone you can open up to?

Also, I see that you used to have a therapist but you’re struggling to afford it now. Would you like some help seeing if there are more affordable options for therapy in your area? I’d be happy to help you look!

I hear you when you say you have a porn addiction. Just so you know, here we tend to stray from describing things like sex and porn as addictive, because clinically we know this to not be super accurate, but also because we find that when folks describe having a more compulsive relationship with sex or porn, it’s more helpful to address it as that: compulsion, not addiction. But, I want to dive into more of what you said here. What makes you describe this as an addiction?

[ThanasisIsGod]

I appreciate you guys so much, genuinely I haven't felt heard or been helped out like you guys are offering me. It really makes me feel just not alone.

Truthfully, I don't know if I would open up to her like this (or I haven't seriously considered it) because I've always seen this as a thing to fix. That I must cure it on my own and transition to just healthy sex + no porn to be with her. We have differing opinions on sex and porn as she is very anti-porn and I like to respect her wishes. It's just hard knowing it's long distance so I see her once a month so sex is spaced apart, otherwise this would be so much easier. I've opened up about some trauma and she's been respectful but nothing like this. Knowing her very well, explaining this would break her trust and she would believe what I like is fundamentally flawed and lustful.

I'd really appreciate the help in looking for affordable options. I think I've heard of TogetherAll.com as a resource but that's the only one I know. I'm from North Carolina. All options I've seen would run me 100 per session.

I like the compulsion perspective on sex and porn, I hadn't seen it in that light. I call it addiction in my mind because it feels pervasive. Ever since I was a kid, this fantasy constantly sneaked into the front of my thoughts, even during serious moments. The fantasy intensifies over time and gets more taboo for a stronger kick. If you don't mind me going into specifics:
As a child, I'd fantasize of my mother with other men (teachers, neighbors, etc). Then when I had girlfriends, I'd imagine them with other men (friends, my bullies, people from the internet). I've always felt that this fantasy was invasive and would seek to destroy my relationships and sabotage me.

You have no idea how much just talking with you all means to me.

[Anya]

Hey ThanasisIsGod,

I'm so glad that this space has helped you feel supported! These complex situations can be so confusing and bring about a lot of conflicting feelings so we're absolutely here to help you sort through it all and make sense of what you find.

It sounds like it has been somewhat difficult to bring up these more deepseated things to your girlfriend, especially because of just comunication being different long-distance. Can I ask why she might view these feelings/fantasies as "fundamentally flawed and lustful"? Might religion play a big part in either of your lives?

On the affordable therapy side, we are more than happy to help you find something in your area! If you would go ahead and fill out our contact form (which is only viewed here by staff) with either your city or a zip code works fine we'll be able to help you pinpoint something accessible for ya.

I will say, it can be so hard in this society, especially in the states, to view fantasy as anything other than shameful. There has been so much stigma for so long that breaking out of that mindset can feel more than challenging, and it's totally understandable to both feel physically good about something while feeling mentally bad about the same thing. We are often taught that it's a very black and white subject, but that, as im usre you know, is hardly the truth. I want to share this article with you that I think you should really check out. Undoing Sexual Shame How does that feel?

[ThanasisIsGod]

Religion was a big part of our repressed upbringing but we've both had our own journey to detach ourselves from those teachings and find our own truth. I feel like her holistic way of thinking and spirituality conflict with these fantasies more than her upbringing or her religion.

That being said, she's had issues with abuse in the past with her ex and I've learned to be more respectful of her boundaries, especially since I was a lot more initiative and sex-driven at the start of our relationship. She believes sex is not necessary and that being overly lustful is a wrong and unnatural thing, and I'd bet $500 that she'd say my fantasy objectifies her, which is probably true. I respect it but keeping myself repressed has led to a hit to my sex drive and like I can't let out that true lusty part of myself anywhere unless I'm alone in my room. It's gotten to where I've wanted to break up because I feel deprived or have rich fantasies throughout the day of her being with someone who she would let do it whenever they want.

She put down the idea of threesome earlier on in our relationship because she believes its cheating and that just means the partners don't love each other. My way of pleasing myself through only cheating/cuckold porn killed my libido and now I'm on the flipside where I can't perform as well with her and it just reinforces the fantasy while bogging down my confidence.

That article is a great writeup, I'm actually gonna journal about it and list out what I like/dislike about it, see what I learn.

[maille]

Hi ThanasisIsGod,

I am so glad you have found a safe space here at Scarleteen.

I am wondering what other sort of dopamine 'hits' we could use in place of indulging in behaviors that you feel like no longer suit you. For example, that could look as simple as finishing a chapter in a book or eating a meal you do not often serve yourself. Would that be something you'd like to talk about here? I hear you say you are journaling and I am thinking this might be a good guiding question for that.

[ThanasisIsGod]

I can definitely replace the hits but I'll need to stick to it. Waking up early, going to the gym, drinking a lot of water, playing basketball, cooking, hiking, learning about history and geography. Definitely possible. It's just the ease of doing it in my room that makes it constantly available for me. I guess it's better to get out of the house.

I wanted to circle back to the article and what another member mentioned. What would a healthy example of what I fantasize look like? Can I write erotica to myself in private? Can I only think of it when I go to sleep at night? Do I brute-force it and tell her whether she'd like it or not? My fault if I'm ranting, ig these questions are for a therapist

also I love asheville, i visit my friends there all the time!

[lilikoi]

Hey there!

I would say that your questions about healthy ways to fantasize are a great use of the boards here! Therapy will be helpful for addressing the compulsory piece that you mentioned and how it relates to trauma. But it is all relevant so we can do our best to help think through it with you!

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think the article you want to circle back to is How To Soften Yourself and Be Stronger at The Same Time. You mention some strong but soft ways to approach fantasy are to cut out porn and self-pleasure from your life but I would not describe those things, especially in a long-distance relationship, as unhealthy or inherently objectifying. It sounds like that perspective is the result of your relationship dynamic and conversations you have had with your partner. Let me know if that's not correct.

It’s crucial to reframe what softness really means to embody it— it means being your stronger self by allowing others to see who you really are, by taking responsibility for your actions, words and behaviour, by voicing your boundaries, hurt and other feelings, by sustaining connections in a healthy way, by feeling genuinely empathetic and connected to others, and by aligning yourself to your truer version.

This quote from the article encourages vulnerable sharing like someone would have to do to expose any of their hidden fantasy with a partner. That is more what I imagined when mikky asked about soft but strong response to these fantasies and habits. In considering bringing this up with your gf, you've mentioned her values around sex and it made me wonder what yours are. How would you define overly lustful? If you two were not long distance, what would change in your sex life?

Since you've been enjoying the article recommendations, I wanted to share another one I thought you might appreciate: On a Boyfriend's Porn, Anger, Healing & Finding the Way to the Healthy & Whole

[ThanasisIsGod]

I appreciate it

I'm not sure if anyone reading has any experience with the fetishes I have but it feels impossible to get a full satisfaction with it unless it's an actual thing where everyone's on board. I just keep envisioning deeper, whether it's her and specific friends I met at the bar, somebody who beat me in basketball, or my own family friend.

Only answer I can think of on being the strong soft version of myself is telling her. Being vulnerable and just letting it all hang. It's a really shitty truth and Ik that's the shame talking but still it'd be a culture shock to anyone who'd never heard of the concept before. I'm just afraid of the regret but I guess the fear of something is always worse than the thing itself. I feel like this is an overarching thing where I have to let go of the fear of even acquaintances knowing before I stop feeling all the shame. I wish I could rewind time if I ever told her like a Life is strange typa move.

I'm pretty sexually open I think that everyone's sexual expression is unique and a part of their being. I would categorize overly lustful as shitty people who don't care about other's consent or harm others to satisfy their lust. Or people who let it consume their whole life. But Imo that's just a balancing thing, it's like eating too much sugar.

If we weren't long distance we would be doing it every few days to weekly knowing our drives and I think we would both be at our healthiest and confident. When I'm with her for longer than a weekend and we're doing it a lot, I don't have any of the self-degrading thoughts and I know I'm the guy for her. It's these days separated away from her on a normal basis and weekends where we meetup but I don't perform the best that I feel my fantasy creep up.

[lilikoi]

Gotcha. It sounds like the disconnect between you and your gf is cropping up because of the stress of the long distance relationship. And that is also impacting the amount of focus you end up having on self-degrading thoughts. How long have you two been long distance and is it a permanent thing? Also, have you two considered phone calls and texting to keep the spark alive while you're apart?

It's helpful to hear about your values. I don't know if you noticed how much of the conversation was about your partner, which is great, but you are two people in the relationship. In this case, a conversation about your fantasy is a great reflection of your values! Would you like help strategizing for the conversation?

The first thing that comes to mind is that you could try starting the conversation by asking her about sexual fantasies that she has. That way, instead of it feeling like a big reveal on your part, the goal is getting to know each other better. You mentioned that she would probably interpret the fantasy as objectifying. Is that related to your concerns about being male-centric?

[ThanasisIsGod]

Yeah we're planning on living together once we're both able to settle down after our grad programs and get our jobs. The economy and a certain orange guy is making this goal a little harder but it's the plan. We facetime every night and text all the time but very little sexual stuff. It used to be a lot more of us sending each other nudes and showering on facetime but over time idk. We initiate wayy less now. She'll send a nude every now and then. Sometimes we'll talk dirty and she'll get off on it but I can't fully orgasm off that. When I watch porn, I lose a great amount of energy that would be with her for these little moments on facetime.

I would love help. I have a hard time communicating my needs and boundaries with other people. I've always just respected her own boundaries without thinking any of mine, I just let it slide.

I asked her few times and she'll say being tied up, blindfolded, being swept away by a dominant guy, doing it in nature. I told her that I'm into doing it in nature and public (minus the people around) too. Her explanations are very vanilla and common so I don't know if she has any deeper ones but I'm always here to fulfill em.

Yeah it's related to my concerns because I do genuinely wanna be fair and respectful. If I feel like she's making sense when she says it's objectifying and she doesn't feel safe from it, I'd drop it. I don't wanna start this whole conversation just to go nowhere, say "Yeah you're right", and have her think I was sitting on this and that she might have gotten with the wrong man.

As I read this I'm realizing how much of this relationship is a lot of her expectations and boundaries and nearly none of mine. I've never communicated this stuff in a relationship.

[Latha]

Hi there, ThanasisIsGod

As I read this I'm realizing how much of this relationship is a lot of her expectations and boundaries and nearly none of mine. I've never communicated this stuff in a relationship.

Well, that is an important observation! I know it can be scary to think about the risks of honest communication, but it is also a habit that is essential to developing comfortable, authentic, and supportive relationships. It is okay if you haven't talked much about your own needs before--you can always start now.

Would it help to try and identify topics that feel less intimidating to bring up, and work up to ones that are more difficult? When you think about it, are there any other boundaries/expectations/wants that you would like to communicate about in your relationship (sexually or otherwise)?

Sometimes we'll talk dirty and she'll get off on it but I can't fully orgasm off that.

Is there something you could do together that would help you orgasm? You've mentioned that you used to initiate more, and don't do so as much now. Would it help if you established that she can always decline, and initiated more often?

[ThanasisIsGod]

Yes it would help if I opened up more about my wants and needs. I communicate to her that I just want us to be our true-est selves and that we can always decline or explain if we're not feeling something. I need to chill out on the fantasies in my head and stop watching porn and just think about her when I'm feeling it. It's hard since we're in long-distance and I haven't trained my sexual compulsions to include her in a healthy manner as much since we're not physically together.

I made a mistake a couple nights ago and it's because I was feeling repressed and I was ok with letting negative thoughts roam in my head. While we were on facetime at 4 in the morning both of us sleeping, I woke up to a sound and could've sworn I heard her with someone else in her room. After 20 minutes, her phone went on mute and I brashly started calling her out saying "Are you serious? Are you cheating?" and whatnot. Turns out she was going to the bathroom, as she said. I know what I heard but I know the truth is also that she would never cheat, especially not on facetime, before her big day at school, and sleeping in her bedroom in her parents' house. I felt real pain and heart palpitations rise when I was listening to the sounds on facetime as I thought she was cheating.

I've given myself mini trauma points by getting high off the idea of her cheating on me with someone else that it all compounds when I let negative thoughts convince me it's true. It also gives rise to the trauma of abandonment and ostracizing when I was a kid, whether it was my parents or my friends. Me and her have talked about the cuckold fetish recently as I told her one of my friends had it (true story) and she had disgusted opinions about it. That they don't have self respect and that it's kind of gay. I just went along with it and said "yea whatever floats their boat".

Idk. I am really sorry for distrusting her in the moment and we made up after but I can't bring myself to explain anything to her except the trauma my parents' left me with as a child. It's not enough to paint the full picture of my negativity but it's the only side I was comfortable sharing at the time.

[ThanasisIsGod]

Also I filled out that contact form for available therapy near me. I've been trying to look for affordable options too because I feel at this point a professional might be the only person I feel comfortable confiding in my past and most negative feelings. If you have any resources, please don't hesitate to let me know!

[mikky]

Hey thanasisisgod, good to see you around again

Couple of questions for ya:

You mentioned “training” your sexual compulsions. Can you tell us more about what that means for you? My understanding here is that it seems like when you have feelings or fantasies that you associate with being bad, you summon a lot of guilt and shame toward yourself. Is that what you mean by training?

You said, "I felt real pain and heart palpitations rise when I was listening to the sounds on facetime as I thought she was cheating."

When you had that experience of real pain and fear, how would you have liked to react? How did you discuss (if you did) this with her afterwards?

Me and her have talked about the cuckold fetish recently as I told her one of my friends had it (true story) and she had disgusted opinions about it. That they don't have self respect and that it's kind of gay. I just went along with it and said "yea whatever floats their boat".

Wow, this sounds like a really crappy thing to have heard. If I were talking to her, I would probably challenge her beliefs about what is “kinda gay”- do you share those beliefs?
I will say that I wouldn’t consider this talking about your specific fantasy, or having a conversation about your relationship. These sort of proxy conversations never seem to actually connect us with each other the way we want.

I think connecting with a mental health professional is a great idea, and we’ll get back to you on resources. In the meantime, communicating and being vulnerable with others doesn’t have to be at a therapist-level. There are lots of in-between places- like how open you are here to talking with us. Does that make sense?

[ThanasisIsGod]

I appreciate it Mikky!

I'm super open to talking with you guys on here, I know you're here to help and I can trust in the advice you give and that you don't have any incentives on using this stuff against me. That last sentence sounds weird but it was me being aware and reflecting on how I view trust with people. I realize that I don't trust anyone I know in my life to hold any of my deepest secrets without expecting them to turn around and use it to hurt me or advance themselves. I think that's why I used the proxy chat to discuss that stuff with her. Because I still don't trust her enough to know about me and keep it to herself. The more I think about it and know her, the more sure I am about that.

When I said training compulsions, it was more like transitioning to a new type of sexual experience that I can have with her. Talking about us doing each other, how we feel on each other, what we want to do and how. Touching ourselves while on facetime and doing that. That's what I assume to be something more inclusive and healthier rather than having my own fantasies and pleasuring myself, then acting like I don't have a sex drive when I'm with her. I know the best thing is to talk with her and see if we're open to exploring it together but there's two truths in my mind that stop me:
1. I've known her for 2 years, and I know that she will see this fantasy as an internalized trauma response and way to control and objectify her. I can explain how I really view it but she will always have it in the back of her mind and ready to explode if I mess up or we break up.
2. I don't even know if this fantasy itself is healthy. At it's core, when I really feel the orgasm, it's because I'll imagine her betraying me. Her pushing me back and laughing while she fully accepts this "other man", forgetting about me. It's not always this hurtful but the "best" orgasms are, and I always find myself trending towards those.

As for the facetime incident, I should have taken some deep breaths to myself and let go. The fear of being hit (cheated on) is worse than being hit and I should have collected myself and brought it up the morning after. This was a flight or fight response that I had since I was a child scared of being abandoned. I've been reflecting on this and training myself to be aware of when negative emotions and consciousnesses try too take up space in my mind.

As far as her calling cuckolding kinda gay, I don't fully agree with it. I will say I've opened up bi-curious feelings when exploring this kink but that's just because of my imagination and I can find pleasure in multiple forms. I couldn't bring myself to open up and challenge it because I would be seen as a weirdo or "less normal". After all, don't a lot of straight girls want a marriage that looks confident, picture-perfect, and 'normal' to the outside world? I know she's of that group.

Let me know if I'm typing too much lol, I can definitely get my point across in a more concise way. You guys are a godsend!

[maille]

Hi,

I think it makes total sense that you used proxy chat when you are not used to trusting and very used to having trust betrayed.

I like your ideas for wanting to incorporate her into your sexual experiences even when you are apart. I also want you to know that it is still okay to have solo time, even when you are in an intimate relationship with another. It's normal and healthy for you and your sexual relationship, which sounds like the goal here.

For longevity purposes, my view is that communication is going to be key here, but you have to be okay with her reacting poorly, or being surprisingly open-minded. Or very likely something in the middle. What would it take for you to feel comfortable sharing more with her?

As far as the face time incident, given what you have shared about your past experiences and vulnerability factors, the way you reacted makes sense. It wasn't ideal, but I hope you do not beat yourself up over it either.