Scarleteen

Before I begin this post I would like to say I am quite worried some of this may come off as transphobic. I have never felt an ounce of hate towards transgender people and I believe they deserve to live long, happy lives as they identify. But I may have some issues with internalized transphobia or not believing myself. If there is an issue with anything I have said I will take accountability and edit it or do whatever else is asked of me. My intention is not to hurt others at all.

Since I was about twelve, I’ve been experiencing feelings of gender envy/gender dysphoria. I have absolutely no idea what to make of it. I’m AFAB and I have so much love and respect for women; I’m a loud-and-proud feminist. I’ve a reputation at school for talking about misogyny and would like to minor in gender studies someday. All of which makes me feel very weird about the fact that I don’t… always want to be a girl. I know anyone can (and should!) be a feminist, but I still feel weird — and almost sort of upset? — about it.

Around when I was twelve, I had a “crush” on a boy, which mostly consisted of me staring at him from across the room and hoping reincarnation was real so that when I died I could be reborn as a boy and be just like him. I continue to fixate on boys (some trans, some not) I don’t have romantic feelings for, wishing to be just like them. When I consume media about boys (like, for example, The Outsiders or Newsies), I feel this way too. Mostly the feeling is very sad and lonely. I feel like I am watching a life I want but cannot have. Sometimes the feeling drives me to physical nausea or tears. On the flip side of this, when I am perceived as androgynous or masculine, I feel happy; I recall an older boy at school thinking, for a while, that I was a boy, and using masculine terms for me. I have short hair and dress in a somewhat masculine manner, so sometimes people are a bit unsure as to my gender and will simply use “they;” this pleases me also.

There’s also the fact that almost all of my sexual fantasies are ones in which I am AMAB (although in some of said fantasies I imagine things from the perspective of a trans woman because on some occasions I still feel like a girl but just would like to be AMAB; I hope this is not disrespectful to trans women in any capacity). Some of my sexual fantasies don’t involve a partner or partners at all; I simply fantasize about being AMAB and masturbating. But this may just be because I think sex sounds a lot more interesting from that end and because I have gotten bored of my previous fantasies where I rarely imagined sex involving a male partner at all.

But there are still times I like being referred to as a girl and wish to be perceived as one. I really wish I could just have both. I mean, I know technically you can (genderfluid, bi-gender, etc.), but I feel like most people don’t believe in/accept that identity and there’s not a real point in trying to live that way. As I type this I am also recalling speaking to a cisgender friend (also AFAB) and describing often not feeling a gender at all. Up until that moment I think I assumed that was normal for cisgender people, but she told me she was quite confident she was a girl and definitely felt like she was a girl in her mind. I guess sometimes I feel like a girl. Mostly I just feel like a me. I’m sure that’s pretty normal though.

All of this also makes me very worried that I am simply dealing with internalized misogyny and nothing I am experiencing is real. Maybe I just feel trapped in womanhood because it’s often freaking terrible — less pay, less respect, less power. My parents are accepting of trans people but have both made comments on how it seems very common that AFAB people go through trans “phases.” I generally believe this is because toxic masculinity makes it a lot harder for AMAB people to be fluid or questioning in their identities (like how if a girl likes to dress masculinely, she’s just a tomboy, but if a boy wants to dress femininely, he is considered weak). I try very hard not to be transphobic. I think transgender people are beautiful and deserve to live their lives as they would like to. I am very conflicted over all of my feelings about my own gender identity because I take my identity both as a feminist and as a transgender ally very seriously. Isn’t it transphobic of me to say that I cannot be genderqueer because that would be anti-feminist? But then what if I am rejecting my true self just because I secretly despise being a woman in a perfectly normal and completely cisgender way? What is wrong with me?

I am very sorry if I have said anything to offend anyone. I would never question anyone else’s identity if they told me they were trans. I am not sure what is going on with me, and I would like very much for it to just go away, but it doesn’t seem like that will happen. I really could use help.

ribbons?,

These sound like really complicated feelings to go through, so I am happy to see you on the boards again. I, myself, am a cisgender woman who happens to be very happily into all genders. I tell you this to give you context of my perspective. A lot of what you shared parallels to my coming out as queer and many others’ experiences too- the questioning of wanting to be with or just be your ‘crush’, the questioning of self validity in general, etc.. I want to emphasize how normal this is in an effort to answer your query about having something wrong with you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are experiencing some self discovery. I encourage you to practice some self-compassion here.

I am curious as to what the disconnect between the possibility of being genderqueer and feminist is for you. It sounds like you know factually that anyone can be a feminist, but maybe do not feel like that logic applies to yourself. Does that feel true?

Give yourself some grace. As always, we are here to help

I guess the disconnect between genderqueerness and feminism is because I’ve heard people say AFAB people are more likely to be trans due to internalized misogyny? I don’t even necessarily believe that; I think it’s a really shitty thing to say. I feel convinced I must be rejecting my True Role as a Woman (insert ironic trademark symbol here) and it’s not gender dysphoria, just feeling trapped in womanhood because misogyny sucks and often gets in the way of things. But at the same time I don’t really think I want to be a boy just because of misogyny because I know misogyny affects boys too. Most of the time I don’t want to be anything at all. Nothing really feels right to me at this moment.

Anyway my point is I’m simultaneously quite sure I’m experiencing gender dysphoria and quite sure I can’t be. I would really like to just pick one gender and stick to it, but I don’t really think I can do that. Sometimes the thought of living out my whole life as a woman feels like hell, but I don’t know what alternative wouldn’t feel like hell.

Ribbons,
Just want to note that it isn’t transphobic to question and explore one’s own gender identity- for many of us, our experiences of gender are formed and complicated by societal norms like misogyny. The structures of gender in dominant culture are very, very pervasive and extremely loaded.

You said you’re thinking about studying Gender Studies, so I hope you don’t mind me going a little into the gender studies weeds here. I do hope it will be helpful and not just annoying

Gender, the way it is prescribed to us, is restrictive. Because almost all of us have been seeded into that soil, and grown up in this very gendered world, we can have a hard time getting outside of binary thinking.

In these intense and restrictive definitions of gender, which are baked into all kinds of things from laws to children's toys, it is really easy to break the “rules.” In fact, a lot of gender studies scholars would argue, the rules are impossible to even follow. For example, the “rule” that women should put concentrated effort into looking pretty. If you don't do that, you might lose out on certain social privileges, or start to be seen as other or an outsider.

The point is, many of us get cast out of girlhood and womanhood for infractions or doing gender wrong. There are many ways to react to this, and many ways that people have reacted to this. One is to say, wow, that’s so restrictive but I don’t care, I will wear trousers or have lots of sex or work in trades or what have you, and be a WOMAN anyways and break the damn rules. Another reaction is to say, I don’t want to subscribe to this, I’ve broken the rules anyways, so guess I’m not a woman.

Racism and patriarchy are very powerful systems. Gender dysphoria isn’t necessarily totally unaffected by these, because medicine, language, education, fashion, etc are all informed by racism and patriarchy. But, it also sounds like you are feeling some pretty acute discomfort and friction with gender. If you don’t want to name that as dysphoria, you don’t have to. You also don’t have to be…. anything. For me, I name my gender identity as “queer,” because all the ways I have experienced myself have been outside of any boxes I’ve ever known.

My point with allll of that is I don’t think we need to try and pull apart whether these feelings come from the suckiness of misogyny or transness, because all of this can just be tied together.

You said that “most people don’t believe in/accept that identity and there’s not a real point in trying to live that way.” Why do you think this feels true to you? Can you think of reasons why folks live in ways that others don’t understand or believe in?

Maybe we can take the very, again loaded, idea of gender off the plate for a second and focus on what life in general would not feel like “hell?” What is important to you? What makes you feel good?

Hi ribbons

I'm sorry that you are feeling so much stress about your gender identity. I can really relate to the feelings of confusion and frustration and of trying to parse your dysphoria and your feminism. I started experimenting with gender after graduating highschool and am now 23 and very happy with my transmasc nonbinary gendered life- your post made me think of a few things I wanted to say:

1. Your gender and your feelings about your gender don't need to be politically correct. You can just express yourself in ways that you want to and maintain your politics through your words (which it sounds like you do) and your actions (how you interact with others, not the ways you dress). I am still as much a feminist as I was before transitioning- I'm actually probably a better feminist because I am older and have gotten to learn more things. All to say I think you can let some pressure off of your gender exploration to be the truest/best embodiment of your politics.

2. I hear that you are feeling unsure about what you want longterm and are having trouble envisioning a future with a permanent gender. I think that's ok. It's ok to do what you want now and let the rest come later- you don't need to have a specific longterm gender goal that you are totally sure of to validate current experiences of displeasure/dysphoria or to justify making changes to your gender expression. If you want to get a new haircut, or to try going by a different name, or to think about your own gender differently in private, great! These things can be hard, especially when you are in highschool, but they can also feel really good. Changing how you express and embody your gender does not mean you have to commit to a specific gender future. You can change your mind anytime, and people do, and it's ok.

3. It can be hard to imagine what a nonbinary adulthood would look like but that doesn't mean you can't have it. I think most nonbinary adults figure it out as they go. I did not have a clear idea of my ideal gendered future when I started transitioning, instead I was moved by a lot of anger and frustration with being a girl and glimmers of joy and hope I had when I thought of being a boy/masc. That was enough.

I hope you can take some pressure off of yourself to have total clarity on your gender and to have flawless reasoning behind it. Go towards the lights that you see, you'll be able to see better when your closer.

Thanks so much for adding all of this for ribbons, fryln!

Thank you for the advice. I never thought of how I was trying to make my feelings toward my gender politically correct, but it makes sense. And I really should give myself space to change my mind about things. I will keep that in mind.

I have thought about it, and I think it is true that I am experiencing genuine discomfort in my gender that doesn’t have to do with misogyny. I don’t think I would feel this way if it was simple misogyny. I don’t really know what to do about it though. I feel sort of stuck. But I don’t have to decide now.

I’m not sure what would feel good to me yet. I most like the idea of being able to never pick one box and instead just sort of exist as I please, however that may change. I guess I could try to experiment with it around some of my friends; there are some queer spaces at school where I think I would be allowed to experiment with gender in a more fluid way. I like the idea of not being thought of as a girl in these spaces and being thought of in a more neutral way. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to do this or not.

I am so glad the staff and volunteer responses have been helpful for you, ribbons! From what you last posted, I think you are getting to a very good mind space about allowing yourself freedom and grace to explore and figure out through trial and error what you believe and where you see yourself. I really like the idea of keeping your mind open and putting yourself in different circumstances that allow you to try out your perception of identity/gender. I think this is a flexible, comfortable way of moving toward change or clarity. Let us know how that goes!