Scarleteen

So my fiance has ADHD type 1 and 2, PTSD due to army service, and autism according to his therapist. We've never argued much until we got together. One day, he was acting like a total child. Being all shy, not getting out of the corner in a game, and all of us including his friends were wondering why he's acting like that. After we discussed it was due to him being afraid to messing things up because his past relationships claims that he does. To this day I still don't understand why he would randomly think that I'll blame him.

Ever since that happened he's being arguing...a lot with me. About stupid stuff. The first argument was the time we played an online co-op shooting game called darktide. I can't remember what the issue was (but I was hella confused and shocked) but then we played palworld. He complained about me wanting to build our own base. Even tho we would still be on the same map, doing the same stuff. He didn't care claimed it was, "not playing together" even tho we are playing together...just don't take care of the same base. But we can consistently see each other and interact.

Then we played Stardew valley. He literally got pissed at me for using pumpkin seeds in the farm I built for us even tho the barn and food for the animals was my job. I told him the community house gives me and you superate but same rewards. I just wanted to see how it looks and I even told you that. He continued to complain and say I swear if you mention something is yours again I'm turning the game off and playing it alone. I'm confused to what I did wrong and why it's a big deal.

I mention how he went mining alone and he did it right after saying how he don't like me claiming stuff as mine. Which I did call out. He didn't say jack shi about it. Like huh? Then he argued about alot of other stuff in games that small. He also complained about stuff like, "me changing my mind". Apparently I change my mind too quick (regardless of it being houuuurs later before I do) and he hates that. He complained about how I say "ok" when he's arguing at me. Even tho he demanded me to--because it's still a negative reaction, even if I stay quiet or respond. Still a reaction and still negative. I always have to be so mean to him for him to shut up and understand me. I can't even use evidence in arguments bc he calls it the past even tho it happened 5 minutes ago or say I'm too defensive even tho I'm the one getting shi talked down on when none of it is true.

Then just recently, which is why I decided to find someone to vent to on here...his memory has been so bad lately idky, that he's delusional atp and almost argues everytime. I asked him if he wants some potatoes with salt and pepper. He looks at me, the guy who said he wants to lose weight looks at me and says he needs more flavor. I'm like...(Whatever) "Ok". Then he comes in the kitchen and I forgot how it started but I said the whole point of this is to eat simple and not all that extra stuff. He's like ok and I asked specifically, "are you ok with just potatoes and no tomatoes with cream?" He says yes. I said "ok, bc that's why I'm doing this. So we eat something small bc you said you would eat potatoes with sour cream, salt and pepper. So I thought this would be ok" he's said yeah it is. (We don't have sour cream, it's garlic herb cream cheese we have that he wanted after this...).

So I make the food no cream, no salad on the side...I give him the plate. He stares at me...I need cream. I'm like did you forget I asked you if youre ok with not having that and you said yeah it's ok??? I meant I need cream by saying that loll.... (Since when does no mean yes.) So then I mention as Im Walking away "I specifically asked you but ok". Then later on I asked if he wanted more pepper and salt and he brought up a whole idea to make his own mixed cream with seasonings. I'm instantly annoyed. Im serious about my health. So the fact that he doesn't even want to exercise with me, eat less with me, fast with me, or even stick with my ideas when I cook something or try to initiate an idea. Is so infuriating. "Im not fasting it makes me really pissed" DUUUUUUUHHH!

Then when I try to talk about ANYTHING that makes me feel some type of way he always registers it as something negative. When all I want is for him to ACTUALLY hear me. Then he has the nerve to call me lazy (and many other names) along with him even tho I'm the only one who actually physically do something. Apparently being lazy means we don't do anything productive like projects. So regardless of me working out everyday and cleaning the kitchen after him...I'm still lazy. That's what being lazy in his eyes means...not the fact that we sit on our bums all day, everyday...wonderful new definition.

Hi Kenstin, and welcome to the boards!

Gosh, this does sound like there’s been some significant stress and tension in the relationship. I’m sorry that it’s been causing you so much distress, but I’m glad you’ve found a space here to talk about how this has been making you feel. (Side note, as a fellow stardew player, I see what you mean! The community center is a fun task to complete).

To start, is there anything specific about this that you’d like advice or support with? Have you spoken with him about this dynamic and how you’ve been feeling?

It sounds like these moments of intense frustration happen in these smaller moments with your partner, which signals to me that there could be a deeper frustration that isn’t being spoken about. Do you have any initial reactions to that?

Thank you for responding! And yes, I've talked about this with him especially when I was confused to why he would get upset over the smallest things. But like I mentioned he always think I'm trying to put him in the corner and attack him when I do. Which is due to his PTSD from being in other relationships but sometimes I feel like it's not always something psychological. If I tell him that I think that he'll say, "you don't understand me and ADHD" or he'll basically call me dumb in a sentence because he think I don't understand. At this point he's always making an excuse to blame his mental issues. BUT like I told him just because you have ADHD, PTSD and slight autism does not make you unable to do things or understand things. Especially someone whose been in war.

The other problem as well he uses a lot of tactics from his army training on me. It's so annoying, all these PTSD(past relationships blamed him, cheated on him, and left him bc ADHD was too much) issues he have along with his ADHD (him changing his mood instantly to yelling then to not caring to caring) he puts these walls up and it's like I'm talking to one. I always make sense on how his response is uncaused for but it ends up not working because he don't acknowledge what I say till I start panicking or he FINALLY realize he's doing too much. His ADHD is really exhausting as you can tell. Me planting seeds should have never been a problem.

And although I discussed things with him he'll bring it up again as if we didn't find common ground, in a new argument(which honestly when I try to he always just stares at me, starts yelling to leave him alone or shut up). So I always tell him I can never believe things are ok because you say it is but then you argue again a month from now and with such a bad memory YOU SOMEHOW remember everything and you bring up the past in a bad way. Even though he tells me not to bring up the past??? He also failed to realize that the training he did as a Sargent, "being in control of people and the environment around him" is only to be used for that scenario. Not your entire life outside of that. So he always try to control me to do things and he does not care till again... He realize he's doing too much.

He goes to therapy but I think his therapist is shit. All they talk about is any gossip with his family that recently came up and the past. Nothing about his behavior at all. He did talk about us and of course with no story to the other side she's telling him I don't understand him and I need to be more cooperative............. Wow. I told him she's your therapist not your marriage counselor, do not talk about us with her because all that does is ruin relationships without having the other partners side of the story.

So yeah he used that against before. I'm like you really don't see how you're acting and treating people all because you think you should be in control of everything. I always tell him you went through all that training and failed the most important thing. "The difference between good control and bad control" the bad control was strictly meant for war and good was for life outside of that career WHEN necessary. He's on meds but he's never taking it on a fixed schedule or consistent and he wonders why his body doesn't feel like it's working. So we're waiting on stronger ones as we speak and he's still not properly taking it.

Hi Kenstin, just so you know, we've edited your posts to add paragraph breaks - please add them from now on, as it's an accessibility need for some of us here to be able to read and process your posts. Thanks!

To be honest, it sounds like you two are not compatible in many ways. You mentioned he has had partners leave him for his ADHD before, so he's scared of that happening again, but there's a lot of nuance here. ADHD and autism cause emotional dysregulation (and struggles to regulate them), but that's not an excuse to yell at people, especially our loved ones. If he is yelling and calling you names, that's not a result of any mental health issues or disabilities, and he should be working with his therapist on that.

That said, it's also important for you to decide whether you want to be by his side as he works on that or not. If he's unwilling to work on it, then I don't see why you would be with someone you don't seem to like very much, and the relationship doesn't sound like it's healthy at the moment. It takes a lot of patience to be with someone with neurodivergent conditions such as PTSD, ADHD and autism, and it's not really going to help the person if their partner feels this negatively about all their traits and how these conditions manifest. So I invite you to do some deep reflections about whether you think he is actually willing to work on the ways he acts that are hurtful and unfair, and whether you have the patience to be there for him while he does. It's okay if you don't, and decide to walk away now. But as things are, something has to change, or you two are just going to end up hating and resenting each other even more.

Btw, there isn't such a thing as "slight autism". Someone either has autism or they don't. There are levels of support needs and masking, so often, high masking people seem to have little issues but we just aren't seeing them. Perhaps he hasn't verbalized his struggles to you - perhaps he's not even aware of them, so that's a different conversation. Have you talked to him about all this calmly without either of you yelling or fighting? If so, how did that go?

I know it sounds like a lot altogether. But we wouldn't argue as much as it might sound. But when we do it's always something childish and I always try to communicate with him but his mind works so fast that all he wants to do is talk talk talk. He's been working on his issues but honestly it's not enough to me. I think his therapist needs to focus more on how he mentally is and not stuff that he no longer lives around like his family members. I think talking about them is pointless at his age. Then the compatibility, I wouldn't agree. He's amazing outside of arguing. But once he's arguing he instantly chooses to be aggressive just to be in control of his surroundings and I always have to tell him. That's not how life works.

The names he would call me wouldn't be bad names just names to describe how I'm acting or even thinking because he doesn't agree or understand what I mean. I always have to be so specific and clear with him bc he tends to twist my words around. The most annoying thing I don't like about bc I do like and love him, is the fact that he takes his medicine irregular. I always tell him to take it take it and I get makes him feel too focused and weird but uhm that's the whole point. He doesn't take it bc he also does not want to be quiet around me. I had to reassure him, I don't care if he is. I rather not get into unnecessary arguments because you felt that me putting the red card in the blue section was not efficient to you. I don't even know why he bother arguing about such small things.

We haven't argued in a while again, but it crossed my mind because I've seen other people who are dating those with ADHD and ptsd have the same issues I have. They don't have a real solution, just learn what triggers them and work around it. The autism part I said slightly bc I don't believe he does. No signs of him having any kind of autism. but when I feel like we will argue I try not to and just shut it down instantly. I always tell him I don't got time to argue and he claims he don't want to. The end. I don't think there's any real solution to dealing with partners who have ADHD and ptsd...not by what I've seen from others who vents about theirs.

Kenstin wrote: ↑Fri Dec 19, 2025 6:23 pm He's been working on his issues but honestly it's not enough to me. I think his therapist needs to focus more on how he mentally is and not stuff that he no longer lives around like his family members. I think talking about them is pointless at his age.

I'm curious why you feel this way, can you elaborate? I ask because there isn't really an age when we stop being impacted by our family members, as they will be in our life in some way or another forever, even for people who go no-contact it's something most people need to work through in therapy as adults. Often, our family members shape a lot of how we view the world, so it's definitely a relevant subject in therapy.

I also don't think it's fair to say he shouldn't talk about you or your relationship just because you aren't there. I do think couple's therapy would be a good idea for you both, but you are also both as individuals allowed (and honestly, encouraged) to talk about the relationship privately with your own therapists. If his therapist is getting his side of the story and it's so wrong that you look like "the bad guy", that's a whole separate issue. It doesn't seem like either of you talk very nicely about each other, to be honest.

Kenstin wrote: ↑Fri Dec 19, 2025 6:23 pm I always have to be so specific and clear with him bc he tends to twist my words around. [...] I rather not get into unnecessary arguments because you felt that me putting the red card in the blue section was not efficient to you. I don't even know why he bother arguing about such small things.

By the way, these are clear signs of autism. As I said before, that isn't an excuse for him to ever yell at you, and the fact that he isn't taking his medication regularly is definitely something he needs to reflect on. ADHD meds don't only help with focus, but they help with emotional regulation, which seems to be the main issue here. There are also other ways to regulate our emotions and nervous system, and that is indeed something he should work on in therapy. But him misunderstanding you often, and caring about things that seem trivial to you like planting seeds without him (rejection sensitivity/changes in plans) or putting a red card in the blue section (following rules) are all clear signs of autism. It would be really helpful for both of you to accept his diagnosis - again, you can't see autism from the outside, so it's impossible for you to say he doesn't have it, especially if he was diagnosed with it by a professional who knows how to spot the traits. The earlier you both can accept it, the better, especially if he actually learns coping tools for moments like those so he doesn't get as angry.

Kenstin wrote: ↑Fri Dec 19, 2025 6:23 pm The end. I don't think there's any real solution to dealing with partners who have ADHD and ptsd...not by what I've seen from others who vents about theirs.

As someone with ADHD, autism and PTSD, with a partner who also has all the same conditions, I can tell you this is not true. I mean, yes, there isn't a solution to those conditions because they're how our brain is wired, so we will always live with them. Unfortunately sometimes they won't be pretty and get in the way of everyday things, that's just the reality, and it's why they're a disability. But we can learn how to regulate ourselves so we don't lash out on people, let go of the need for control, and be good partners. It just takes a lot of work, acceptance and self awareness. And it's very important to be with someone who likes us for who we really are, not despite our conditions, and has the patience to learn how we operate. This goes for every couple, even fully neurotypical couples - it only works if both partners are willing to work on it, with grace and love rather than resentment and contempt.

I hear you that things are great aside from the arguing, but I'm not seeing even one good thing or something you like about him. So maybe this is a good time to consider that - what DO you like about him/what attributes does he have that you actually like? Ultimately, this is something you two could definitely work on, but both of you will have to do a lot of self reflection and active work in therapy and change the overall attitude towards each other so you can lead with more patience and kindness. When people are at the point where they resent their partner this much, it's either time to go separate ways or do some deep work to fix things from the root. You are not obligated to do that with anyone and it's your choice either way, but we don't want you to stay in a relationship that is this negative. Does that make sense?

So let me go over the whole point of my post again.
I came here for some possible advice, to vent, to see if there is something I don't understand as someone whose with a person first--who is retired from the army, ADHD, PTSD, and autism. Of course it's going to sound like I have nothing nice to say or like about him. Because I'm only talking about the issue, what I like about him is irrelevant right now. I'm focused on the issue because I want to improve it.

I think it is pointless talking about his family because this therapist is strictly for his psychological needs. Everytime he tells me about their therapy (voluntarily I never ask) , he only and always have mentioned him gossiping about what his mom or brother did including the past. Hence, talking about his family with her always pisses him off that it ruins his day. At his age it is pointless due to that fact AND since he pushes them away on his own. He has no issue with cutting them off again he says. Secondly, it makes him talk more negative about them instead of cooperating.
One thing his therapist does not know is how he reacts to things and adjust to things he don't like. He only tells her what bothers him, that's it. She doesn't know how he reacts to when we argue or when he argues with his family. It's almost as if he goes there to be agreed with and have someone on his side. This is coming from someone who had a therapist and a toxic household as well. I had to realize on my own that talking about my family only made me talk more about them and it made me more annoyed by them that my days were mostly ruined. Just like he is and I did give him this advice (not the therapist part). He's been going to this therapist for years and he still do things based off of his families reaction or because he just don't care.
That's one most important thing his therapist does not know about how he thinks. When I does not like something he hears or see. He will make up a negative conclusion and plant that in his head. She can talk to him anytime she wants but he will still leave the therapy and say, "I don't fucking care what you want" to anyone. She's clueless about that side of him. CLUELESS.
If he had never went to the army he would have never ever believed that he has to be in control 24/7. I can't remember what the position is called but he was trained higher up to be THEE higher up and boss everyone around. I told him you failed to realize that, that training was for the war not your entire life. Unless necessary. He doesn't know the difference between being in control in a positive vs bad way. He always choose bad and his therapist doesn't know that if you tell give me an assignment that you want him to do. He will completely do it his way. He thinks his way is more efficient because if hes in control things will always go right he claims, due to his training. He claims. Not my words or thinking.
That's why arguing with him is a bit too hard because he thinks he needs to be in control in order to say, "ok things are ok". Regardless of how the person feels. Not only does his PTSD kick in, his ADHD kicks in too and it's exhausting.

She is not trained to give advice on relationships, he confirmed she is only for his PTSD, ADHD, and autism. Which is why I say it's not okay to talk about us because all she did was agree. No side to my story, no proof on how he acts in arguments in general because all they ever did talk about again (he confirmed) was his family. The only time they talked about his other issues was testing him for autism.

I've seen the same behavior in people who didn't have autism which is why I don't think he has it just because of one test on paper. I like to have hard information on stuff like this but neither am I refusing to accept and neither is he. He accepts it all fully trust me. I just think he has so many different meanings to things because of his past army trainings.
Honestly if you heard the things he said you would think that it's crazy he believes this. All because of this idiot captain told him it's right for 10+ years, I hate this I swear. It makes him think very unhinged sometimes. It's not right how they trained him smh.

Then the part where he has an issue if I plant seeds without, change my mind, or do something different. He says it's due to wanting to be in control of his environment. Again, sickening training and the fact they didn't tell him in life it's different vs in war. Don't get me wrong I've met and have family members who have been trained in his time like this. But none of them thought for a second, oh let's treat my personal life like war as well. They have a switch. They turn it on when necessary. He believes he has to keep his guard up and even with me. He eventually got comfortable because he haven't been in relationship for a few years but at first he wanted to always be on the phone with me. Which I'm ok with but when I hang up randomly. Oh boy. He panicked and not in a good way. He assumed I was annoyed at him, upset, or not talking to him because either we slightly argued or he thought I was STILL mad. Mad for more than month since the last argument is crazy but he thought so.

With his medication, it's luckily not bad. But I've been learning and catching on to when he's not going to be easy some days. I always remind to take it and always encourage him to try a stable schedule. Which is why I say it's not enough for me. As in, I'm serious about health. When it comes to taking medication especially if you need it. TAKE IT. I try not to pressure him because he doesn't like getting pressured into doing things. He got upset when I told him to eat because he didn't eat for 2 days and I was like I'm just trying to help not control you. Because he assumed I was, then he ate when he felt like and threw up...so ofc I got silently blamed although I wasn't around and how was I suppose to know he didn't feel good. He never mentioned till after he threw up.
But when I see he's acting strange, like he's easily annoyed or feels off if he mentions. He most likely didn't take it. I told him I understand it makes you feel weird, uncomfortable and too focused including too quiet. But you need that in order to not have difficulty regulating your emotions.
I agree that these issues does not make a person unable to do thing properly unless serve. But apparently when I asked a doctor about this, they agreed that it does make people lash out and not care, etc. which is why I be thinking he's bipolar. He'll get mad and argue because I changed my mind 7 hours later (but he claims it's too fast) and almost an hour later or less than 30 minutes. "I don't understand why your so upset. Cheer up."..........???? Your telling me this after we argued 10 minutes ago? And I get backlash for claiming your possibly bipolar or you definitely need your doctor to hurry up and send your new medication way quicker?

I love him inside and out. But arguing, it's hard to not tick him off because if he finds something not efficient to him. He tries to gain control and mold it to "My(his) world). But the moment I try to remove myself from the room, that's also bad. But if I stay he keeps talking shit. So it's like, how can I improve how long we argue? He definitely needs his medication, he needs to learn I'm not here to cheat on him or anything his PTSD is feeding him, and so on.

He only told me one solution. Listen to him, he said that when angry. Then when he wasn't angry, he claims I'm being mean because I'm hugging him during arguments. Claims that's the easiest way to prevent or de-escalate an argument. Which is 100% hard for me to do that because we're not kids. I don't want to hugs things out and turn a blind eye I told him. I want to talk about why you had an issue so I can reassure (like he asked in the past) that what my intentions are because you misunderstood and miscommunicated it. Also, to let you know that these things are always going to happen without you making decisions for me. I should be able to be in a salty mood, I should be able to change my mind, I should be able to say no the things you suggest because that's what a suggestion is (it's a yes or no answer in return), and you reacting negative about it makes 0 sense to why I'm not allowed to do this but you are.

Hes very bad at communicating sometimes and he claimed to so many people he was so good at it but I disagree. He decides when he wants to be. If it's his job, he will always communicate but in a relationship it's different. I stumble so often on him assuming I'm bad mouthing him. I ask, "why are you acting so slow? Do you not understand?" Later claims I called him dumb then if I don't remember what I said he believes it even more. :/ so I tried to remember everything I said and he would think I'm lying. :/ I guess that's his PTSD. The most craziest thing he said, "you didn't say that. No you didn't. Well I don't recall you saying that so no you didn't." Huuuuh?

We've been together for a year and know each other for 4-5 years. He's never acted like this, and he's aware. He claims it's because I'm now his partner. I'm like the only thing that should be different is how you care more about me. I said that because we were realllly close and already talking to each other like we were together together. So I'm like why are you changing how you are towards me when you know who I am. He refers to his past relationships. He claims he will never be able to change his mindset on things bc he was consistently done wrong to that he's used to and again he was trained to be in control of everything for years. It's hard to not follow a training he proceeds to say.

In all conclusion, he's been doing way better compared to when we first got together. I just decided voluntarily to seek out a way to vent and possible advice so I can improve my issues he have with me by learning his ADHD and ptsd from others people experience. I'm aware everyone's life is different and issues as well. But that's the whole point of me gathering info and mainly because I have no one to talk to when I want to vent.

If I try to vent to him about some things I have an issue with he acts like I'm trying to attack him because he somehow misunderstood my point. Happened before, he made the conversation about him and pointed his elbow at me. I had to start all over to why I was telling him these things THEN he understood.

And sometimes he's completely blind with how he acts, say, and do things. It's sad.

Hi there Kenstin,

Hopping in to say I'm so, so, so sorry that you've been having a rough time navigating this relationship with your fiance. I won't reiterate what Kier and Sofi have mentioned, but I do second them that this is a tough situation to be in, and it can be a good idea to reflect on how you envision this dynamic in the long run. It particularly concerns me that he has been behaving this way even after 4-5 years of knowing you, and the two of you are about to take this relationship further into marriage.

To me, it seems like even though he is aware of how his disability affects how he interacts with others (including you), it doesn't sound like he recognizes the gravity of harm and hurt he's caused you and hold himself accountable, because he thinks he's done enough (or worse, he may not care that much about how you feel because you're the "not disabled" partner). From your posts, he's shifted the blame on you multiple times, framed you as the "misunderstanding" one, labeled your actions negatively, and so on. Ultimately, he's not just trying to get a hold of his surroundings, but also you as his partner.

And intersectionality definitely plays a part here; his disability does not cancel out his gender identity and role as a man, which does provide him a place of privilege and entitlement--even if he doesn't realize it. Not to mention that his family and therapist do not seem to help him improve his relationship with you, either by talking about it with him or by reaching out to you directly. It's completely understandable that you feel sad and frustrated even if he has his good moments that you cherish, his treatment of you when conflicts arise is completely unacceptable, especially if the two of you are planning to stay together for a long time.

I think this is a good opportunity to reflect on the following:
- You mentioned that your fiance's therapist's forte isn't in relationships; do you think it's possible for the two of you to seek couples counseling for this issue, since you feel like it would be inappropriate for him to bring this up to his current therapist? What do you think would be the pros and cons of seeing one?
- You also mentioned that you've read some tips on navigating this kind of relationship; what have worked and what haven't, and why do you think they worked/didn't work?
- Lastly, it looks like the two of you share at least a circle of friends, or at least you know them to an extent. Have you discussed with them about your fiance in any capacity? If you have, how did it go? How has their knowledge and feelings about your fiance helped you navigate this relationship?

Again, your feelings are completely valid--would you like to discuss the questions I shared above?

He wasn't behaving like this till we got together. His excuse is, "bc now your my partner so I have to be different". That's what I mean by he has weird definitions. I also feel like he doesn't even know 90% of the stuff he's saying because he would say stuff that makes no sense and make up a meaning when the actual mean is something else. But it's right bc it's him saying it.
Everytime when I share my confusion to him he says it's hard to control his outburst because of many negative reasons he's aware of. I'm always like then if your so aware of these and why you act negative then why after all these years of dealing with it, have you not find a solution. "There is no solution I tried everything" he claims. But his therapist have not in my pov reached enough of that side. All I hear is his family that and her response to it. Like no, it's not just about your family.
"His" friends are not my friends and neither do I talk to them. Their German and I never met them till I came here. They don't speak on how he acts so he assumes they don't have an issue.
The tips I've found was basically like he said no solution. Some people find a way and some just has to deal with it. So that's that. I honestly don't think we need to go to couples therapy, mainly because his issue lies within his mind. We can not argue for 5 months then we randomly do and it's about something so small. For example, "I turned my PC setup to see how it is against the wall and he's like what are you doing?" I'm like just to see how I like it then he proceeds to complain how "my(his) voice will pick up on the mic now". I'm like that's why I'm going to see. Then he huffs and puffs. Then I turn it back and all of sudden he's like wyd. I'm turning it back (after having it like that for the day. "WHYYYYY?" I'm like huh? Wait what? I was just testing it. "Soooo!?" Hold on why do you care? "Because I liked it like that!" I'm like huhhhh you literally had an issue with it now your ok...so this is where I instantly realize, it's not that big of a deal and I shut it down. That's my solution. "Ok first of all this is not your setup, you did not pay for it, you are not the one playing on it and neither are you the one sitting here it's not effecting you so stop". Then he tends to not make sense everytime he acts like this by saying, "it does affect me because now I have to see that bs!" I'm like yeah ok you can clearly see my setup through the big two monitors in your face sure loll" then he stops. Like...why is that a problem to you? Then we continue with our day. I hopestly thinks he had a problem with it because he couldn't look at my screen. Which is related to "having a control environment". Honestly, that's why I switched it back. It was highly annoying having someone constantly stare at my screen while playing a game together or separately because he kept asking me what I'm doing, "you clearly see what I'm doing". That's the main thing I don't like and only thing. I hate when he's asking me what I'm doing. He does it all the time no what. I can't even go to the bathroom without getting asked wyd.
It's like a kid with a tablet asking what your doing on your phone.
Anyways, small stuff like that I have to shut down as a solution. But when he continues, I stop talking or remove myself from the room. He always tells me solutions but I honestly think he has more than ADHD, PTSD and autism. Bc he tells me to say ok, I do and he claims it's negative. He tells me to not say anything I don't, same response...negative. He tells me not to say ok or be silent, again he responds to me worse and says im still being negative. If I try leaving the room he claims I'm making things worse. Then after all that he's instantly back to normal 5-10 minutes later. While on meds btw.
I even talked to him about this and he only gets annoyed if I keep talking about it. Even tho that's what a conversation or discussion is, it's not short. Also, I only said two sentences and he's annoyed about it because he doesn't want to talk about it and because he thinks I'm trying to make him feel bad and Im always like...bro...no lol

Hi Kenstin,

From what I hear, this sounds like a complicated situation to be in. It would be confusing to only argue every once in a while but, when you do, for a TON of frustration to be encapsulated in that argument. Let me bring us back to your original reason for posting so we don't keep going around in circles.

I came here for some possible advice, to vent, to see if there is something I don't understand as someone whose with a person first--who is retired from the army, ADHD, PTSD, and autism.

I just decided voluntarily to seek out a way to vent and possible advice so I can improve my issues he have with me by learning his ADHD and ptsd from others people experience. I'm aware everyone's life is different and issues as well. But that's the whole point of me gathering info and mainly because I have no one to talk to when I want to vent.

I think we have touched on a number of these questions. Sofi talked about ADHD, PTSD, and autism and gave some helpful suggestions from the POV of someone with those diagnoses. Charis reflected on the way that cis-male entitlement could be making it hard for your partner to see you eye to eye.

Do you have more questions about ADHD, PTSD, or autism after hearing the replies from earlier? Has the opportunity to vent felt supportive? While we are here to support you, the topic of being a partner to someone with neurodivergent diagnoses is something we handle compassionately particularly as neurodivergence does present real life challenges for those who have been diagnosed. It's great that you are seeking out resources on how to support your relationship through the challenges. One thing that is important to remember is that, while it might be frustrating seeing someone handle their diagnosis differently than you would (i.e. taking medication consistently) we cannot control the way that someone else manages their symptoms. Would book recommendations or resources be helpful? If so, are you looking for more information about navigating relationship dynamics or being a partner to someone who is neurodivergent?