friendship problems (again)

[shark_hyazinthe]

So, I have this friend (let's call her Anna, not her real name obv) since about two years. We're not BFFs or anything, but we're in the same class, so I see her everyday for at least six hours.

We used to be in a trio, but about half a year ago we split up, because we all had our own problems. The bad thing was, Anna and I pretty much just cut off the other friend, since we were blaming her for our problems. For context, the other friend is pretty obviously neurotypical in some way, and I think their home environment isn't very good. So it was pretty "easy" to blame it on them, because we would say stuff like "oh, they're always so sad and depressed, they're just dragging us down too". Which obviously wasn't an okay thing to do, but we really needed a break from them (I can't tell you exactly, but they said some pretty disturbing stuff).

So the next months I was only friends with Anna. But slowly I started noticing that I really didn't like her much. The thing about me is, I often can't decide if I like people or not, because it switches very easily. My therapist suspects that I might have BPD (but that is another story). But for Anna, the bad things about her started to outweigh the good ones. She often says hurtful or contradictive stuff, and makes fun of people with mental health problems or genderqueer people (For example, her best friend is a trans guy, but she keeps on deadnaming him. And I know he's not comfortable with it.) She also started bullying the friend we cut off before.

So, during the last weeks I started ghosting her. I tried talking about this with her, but she really wouldn't listen and it just made me even more angry. I started hanging out with the friend we cut off again. And it isn't perfect right now, but it is better than before.

Ok enough backstory, today Anna texted me and said she noticed that I didn't want to talk to her. But she also asked what happened, so I guess she genuinely doesn't know what she's doing wrong.



Sorry for the long text T-T... I just wanted to ask for some advice how I could reply to her. Can I just tell her like this, or do you have any tips on formulating this stuff better?

[Tara]

Hi, shark_hyazinthe:

I am so sorry to hear of all the recent drama between you and your friends, especially about the hurtful words and behaviors that are being passed around. It does appear to me that there is a lot of passive aggressive behavior going on with the cutting out, ghosting, etc. and less direct/honest/kind confrontation. It does sound like you are trying to be more upfront and direct more, and I think this is the best approach to handle issues and come to resolutions. So I commend you for being the higher person in the situation!

It is good to self-reflect on our own patterns and behaviors in relationship dynamics and it sounds like you are observing where you may not be direct or unsure about how you feel about others. Based on this, you can learn more about helpful and non-helpful ways to approach friends, particularly when it is to confront negative dynamics. In this situation, because the friend is reaching out to you directly with questions about what your current status is, what happened, etc. I think it IS best to respond to them with your honest and open perspective. Honest and direct does not need to be cruel, unkind, or extremely blunt, however. It is always best served with empathy for that person and with the assumption that they simply may not understand things how you have. I would trust that this person is not aware of the dynamic currently and you have the opportunity to clear the air, be transparent, and hopefully improve perceptions for the better.

How do you feel about being honest, but in a kind way with this person? Do you want to continue the relationship and improve it or not? I would recommend understanding what your intentions are with this person for the long-term first before responding.

[shark_hyazinthe]

I mean, I want to be kind to her, because I think she really doesn't know what's wrong. But I only want to continue being friends with her, if she stops treating my other friends like shit and if she stops making embarassing comments.

[Tara]

That is totally understandable and more than reasonable. So, I think you find a direct and honest way of communicating that with her without creating more hostility and creating defensiveness on their part.

Does that sounds doable? Something like, "I only want to remain friends with if you are respectful to me and my friend and aren't saying bad things about them or trying to create divides. Because that makes me feel... <fill in the blanks with honesty>.

[shark_hyazinthe]

ok, I talked to Anna and it went pretty well... Until I talked about her with another friend today, and I found out that she also had body shamed half the class, and caused an ED for the girl I was talking to?! She also made weird sexual comments About my classmates, both boys and girls. And then the stuff just kept getting worse, because she also just does about anything for male validation and attention. The other girl also told me that pretty much the entire class hated Anna, and that no one would blame me if I ended the friendship.
When Anna and I talked, I told her pretty directly that she should be careful with statements like that, and I didn't even know the worst stuff yet. So now I really don't want to bother being friends with her.

Also, when I argue with Anna, and she realises that she's wrong, or that I'm going to stay mad for a long time if she doesn't back off, she always justifies her statements with: "My parents raised me that way". And she's 1 year older than me, I think I'm also already mature enough to question my parents views. Like, is that a valid reason? Also to justify mysogyny, transphobia and now apparently body shaming?
Like, I don't know how she was raised and what she's been through (she also was bullied in school before transfering to our school), but I can't think of anything that would justify this behaviour.
Oh and she also told me multiple times that she wants to get bullied again, because of the attention it gave her. Like wtf? I don't think her bullying was that bad, when she would chose it again for ATTENTION. Also she's such a hypocrite, she told me my sh scars were ugly and that I was crazy, but she did the exact same shit too. And that really hurt me, so I'm gonna stay pissed at her for hopefully a few years more.

[Heather]

Ooof. Anna sounds pretty darn toxic, and I can certainly understand not wanting to be friends with her. In fact, it sounds like this friendship isn't good for you because this person isn't good for you, and that despite doing your best to talk wot Anna about her behaviour, she's just not interested in being accountable or changing her behaviour, so it probably is best to distance yourself.

Staying angry with someone for years, though, is probably not the best plan. That doesn't offer anyone anything, you most of all, as the person just walking around holding on to anger: that's toxic, too. My vote would be to let go of this friendship and to also try to let go of any emotional attachment you have to it, including anger at Anna. Nobody needs to just fester like that, all that does is give you extra cortisol to carry around which is bad for your body and you. <3