I feel used.

[Apple]

Hi,
This is bit of a vent for me to process things, any advice is very much appreciated.

I'm an 18 year old female and I'm currently in a relationship with my boyfriend, with whom I've been having sex with for a while now. The relationship doesn't feel particularly loving. The honeymoon phase was lovely but ended fast, we have frequent arguments over small things and I feel like i'm being used for sex at this point if i'm being honest. There are times where he will ask for sex and I'll refuse. Despite my refusal, he still goes on to touch me sexually, as I continue to refuse or push him away. This usually ends with him penetrating me, at which point I'll usually say no once and give up. He's also penetrated me anally despite my very explicit refusal, and continued to while I was crying in pain. The thing is, I don't feel particularly emotional in any way. I feel numb and used to it, as terrible as that sounds. I am an absolute doormat and I often do feel like I equate my worthiness as a person to whether I please people, including in bed. I also don't feel like I could easily leave the relationship with my boyfriend as we both work in the same small business, therefore it would either be incredibly awkward or affect me financially. If you have any advice for me, please let me know, and sorry for the long vent.

[Heather]

Hi there, Apple. I'm so incredibly sorry that you have been having this experience, but I am so glad you found a safe place to talk about it.

On top of this sounding like a generally bad relationship, what you're reporting here is sexual abuse and assault. This is not just a bad relationship, it is an abusive one, and I strongly advise you to start making a plan to leave it.

I hear you that you feel that you have become numb and used to it: that can unfortunately happen when abuse becomes normalized. But that isn't a signal you're okay: in fact, that's a clear sign you are deeply NOT okay and haven't been for a while, and that this relationship and the abuse in it has done you pretty serious emotional harm.

I understand that leaving a relationship is difficult, and that can be the case for a range of reasons. However, not only will abuse tend to escalate over time -- it sounds like it already has, but please know it can and probably will get worse and more violent -- leaving will get harder and harder the more worn down you are from abuse.

Are you open to talking about some strategies to start planning to get out of this relationship so that you can be safe again, physically and emotionally, can start to heal, and can work towards a life without sexual abuse?