Scarleteen

hi scarleteen team,
i'm a 16, and i've wanted to try fingering before just to make sure i can actually do it because i was always too scared. i managed to a few months ago for the first time after alot of attempts and now i can fit one finger in, but if i try to put two in it stings and i try to push past it but i just can't. i make lubrication and i think i'm turned on, but i think i approach it more as clinical investigation than for pleasure, it's kind of a bracing myself then shoving it in method because otherwise i won't be able to try push through the stinging. i have so many issues with my body already that will affect intimiate relationships, i just want to actually get 2 fingers up there like a normal person, that would relieve my anxiety about it, but i think because i'm anxious about it it stings and i can't get anything in and it's just a cycle. i feel like everything to do with sex is ruined for me because i can't fit anything up my stupid vag, and i have a rare hypoplasia condition where i have only one fully developed breast and the other is basically nonexistent, i've come to terms with it more and hope to get plastic surgery next year but if i also have vaginismus it will make it really hard for me to pick myself back up from that combined and feel confident since alot of people my age are now having sex and i just dont see it as a possible for me. the only stuff i've seen online has said vaginismus, but i still can't gauge whether it's a physical or psychological condition and whether i can fix it or not?? the causes on the nhs were all psychological and none applied to me, i'm not scared of sex, i WANT to not be a virgin, but it's just.. not working which makes me feel really bad about myself. is there any way i can fix it without going to a doctor?? is there a way it could be not vaginismus?? please help

Hey articgems, welcome!

I’m sorry this is causing some really hard feelings. It sucks to hear you’ve been feeling badly about yourself and the future of your sexual life because of this discomfort

Sticking a finger inside of the vaginal canal is not generally very pleasurable for most folks. We get questions about this all the time. Like, allll the time. I think there is a very prominent myth that sticking fingers, somewhat abrasively, inside of ourselves should be pleasurable because it mimics the insertive aspect of intercourse… which it really doesn’t, and then folks think they are screwed forever over something that just doesn’t tend to feel that awesome.
But it especially isn’t going to be pleasurable, comfortable, or even possible when you are in a mode of anxiety or trying to push through/force something. Our pelvic floor muscles are constantly working, and sometimes, they can struggle to relax– especially when we aren’t communicating a lot of safety with those muscles. “Bracing” yourself and “shoving” fingers in does not sound like something you find particularly relaxing or safe.

It also just isn’t a good representation of what partnered sex feels like. I hope that can be reassuring to hear! When a person and their vagina are relaxed and genuinely aroused, and want to have something (a penis, fingers, a toy, etc) inside, the vagina pulls and grips, and is an active participant in sex! Additionally, lubrication is very helpful in making things comfier, even when we need to do non-arousing non-fun insertion of things into vaginas (like probes for internal ultrasounds or physical therapy tools).

I’m getting the sense here that what having sex might mean to you is penis-in-vagina/intercourse. Let’s note that this is just once piece of what sex is and can be (What's Sex?). When one specific part of sex feels like the most important thing, it understandably is going to pile the anxiety on even more.

Where is it that you’ve heard or understood the idea that a “normal person” would be able to have two fingers inside of their vagina?

I want to note very clearly that if you do have vaginismus, it does not make you broken, wrong, or incapable of having sex. It can be very frustrating at times, as all pain is. For many types of pelvic pain, vaginismus included, physical therapy is a functional and beneficial treatment. Here’s an article on vaginismus: The FBI Files: Vaginismus, but it does seem like you’ve read quite a bit already. Have you considered going to a gynecologist to speak with someone who can do a physical exam?