I think I'm ready

[Wanjiee]

Hiiiii, Wanjiee here

So I'll be losing my virginity this weekend (I think) and I am so excited about the thought, thing is, I've always ended up panicking in the past, then i end up closing my thighs and penetration happens. I do not want that to happen this time. And I'm seriously not planning on telling him that I'm a virgin, and I want it to happen this time. I feel like my body is ready. So uum, any preparations on my side? Somebody help me, oh lord!!

[Latha]

Hi there, Wanjiee! We'd be happy to help with this and have a conversation about what you could do to prepare.

The first thing I want to suggest is taking a look though our sex readiness checklist. It is quite thorough, and I think it should cover most of what you would want to keep in mind before having sex with a partner. Could you do that, and come back to ask any questions you have?

I also want to ask a bit about how you've been feeling about sex. Could you say a little about what has led you to panic in the past? You don't have to tell your partner that you haven't had PIV sex before, but what makes you not want to tell him that?

[Wanjiee]

Hi Latha.

What led to the panic is that I used to feel a little pain, and my partner at the moment used to pressure me way too much, by even making me do stuff he knew i didn't like, like fingering, so i was way too nervous even before we attempted to do the do.

The reason I don't want to tell this one that I'm a virgin is because he may have assumed I've had sex before, and i didn't correct him or tell him otherwise, i just kept quiet. Also, i may be a bit embarrassed because at my big agewdym i haven't had sex, he may be scared, and i just don't want to tell him, or anybody so yeah!

[KierC]

Hi Wanjiee

I hope I’m popping in here. Gosh, I am so sorry to hear that previous partners have pressured you through pain while trying vaginal entry. That is not okay and I am sorry that happened to you. I can also appreciate how that can lead to feelings of panic during these more recent encounters, and as you think about having sex for the first time. You’re not alone in this, either. It’s not uncommon for the body to respond this way after encounters of force. But there are some things you can do to help have a more pleasureable experience next time.

The first and biggest thing here is making sure you feel safe, relaxed, and ready to try vaginal entry. Making sure you feel that way *before* trying vaginal entry is really important because it can help you relax enough to feel pleasure (and it does help make vaginal entry more comfortable!). If for any reason you don’t feel that way, it may not be the time to try vaginal entry. Know what I mean?

You mention not wanting to tell him because you’re worried about judgment. Has he done or said anything that would make you think he’d judge, or is it more so that you’re feeling badly about not having done this before?Just so you know, it’s totally okay and not weird that you haven’t done this before! I wouldn’t say that anyone is too old to try something for the first time, but I hear you that that feeling or assumption is making you feel badly.

With all that being said, do you feel like this person you’re planning to be with is a safe and trusted person? Do you feel comfortable with him to say no or express any boundaries or feelings of pain/discomfort while you’re with him?

[Wanjiee]

Heey,
Honestly, he hasn't shown or said anything that could make me feel like "yeah he's gonna judge me" naah that's just me overthinking. And yes i do feel safe enough to tell him when I'm feeling any type of pain a d discomfort.
For the first time in a long time i feel calm, relaxed, not pressured, that's why i said i think I'm ready, so uum yeah.
Part of me feels bad that i didn't do this when other people were doing it in their teenage years, yk I could've gotten over and done with this when i was 16. But here I am, 22. Please tell me I'm normal.
Anyway I'm so exciteddd!!!

[KierC]

Heyy this is great news, I am so glad to hear you feel comfortable with him. Honestly, that comfort and safety can go a long way to making vaginal entry more comfortable. Some other things you can do to make this more comfortable include using lubricant and warming up in other ways (like with foreplay, either by fingering or by engaging other erogenous zones!). How do those sound to you?

Honestly, I hear you about feeling strange having not experimented in your teens, as I have felt the same way! I also didn’t experiment in my teens, and I have felt weird about it when I was younger. But if I can tell you anything having gone through it, you are totally normal and not alone! There are plenty of folks out there who start experimenting at your age, it’s normal and it’s not too late at all. It’s never too late, really.

Something else that’s helped me to think about is how the age at which you begin sexual activity is such a neutral thing, you know? It doesn’t mean anything bad or good to have started at any age, just the same as with other milestones in life. How does that resonate with you?

[Wanjiee]

Heey KierC

Oh my, i feel like we're in this together. So, update, it did not happen. Why? Honestly, I have no idea, it could've but i freaked out and told him maybe later. Aaaannnnddd nothing else really. This time though, i noticed that i was a lot more wetter than i have ever been, i was comfortable, and so on and so forth. Alsoooo, I gave him a killer blow job which has blinded him a little bit.
Anyway, something weird though is that i hardly feel anything when I'm being eaten out, but at some point i end up cumming, like he got up after he'd finished the job and i was like, "oh my hardly felt anything" idk maybe its because i was freaked outtt??! Oh lord i feel weird

[amber]

Hi Wanjiee,
I hope it's alright for me to jump in here!

I think it is great that you listened to your body and was able to communication that you weren't feeling it. There is so much pressure to have one specific sort of sex but it is not needed to have a fulfilling experience.

I do hear you that you aren't really feeling anything with oral sex. Can you compare that lack of feeling to other sexual experiences with someone else or yourself? It could be that the more sensitive and pleasurable areas were not being stimulated. I am also wondering what you mean when you said you felt nothing but still ended up cumming? Did you experience an orgasm and was it different to other times in your past.

We say alot here that the most important sex organ is our brains. If you were already stressed or anxious about wanting to have a specific kind of sex maybe that stress interfered with you experiencing sexual pleasure from the activites you did do. Does that make sense?

[Wanjiee]

Hey, thank you so much Amber. So, about the orgasm, it felt a little different. I've orgasmd from masturbation a lot and usually I'm always like enjoying it from the very beginning. When i say i barely felt anything, i mean that i didn't feel as much pleasure as i normally feel when i masturbate. This was different, the pleasure wasn't as much but it was there and he ate me out for a long time sooooo...

I was looking forward to the penetration, it kept running on my mind throughout, maybe thats why I didn't feel as good as I expected. Anyway I'm here for it all. I'm honestly enjoying learning about my body, It's super exciting!

[amber]

I glad to hear you are excited about learning about yourself! Going into new sexual experiences with joy and exploration is amazing!

I wonder if the way that you masturbate/feel most sexual pleasure is different than what your partner was doing. It could be helpful to chat with him about what it is you like to do when you are by yourself. That way you can explore together and hopefully feel more pleasure!