Scarleteen

I've never had sex before. It simply hasn't been something that interested me, I probably fall somewhere on the ace specturm. That said, due to some (positive!) changes in circumstance over the last year, I'm reviewing exactly where I fall on that spectrum. Sex might be interesting. Maybe.

But also, in the last couple of months, I've had some pretty rough healthcare experiences. My pap smear was really painful, which the nurse put down to me never having had sex before. For seperate reasons I've also had a transvaginal ultrasound. Inserting the probe hurt but once it was in it was okay, possibly because the neck was slimmer than the head. Removing the probe did not hurt.

My question: is that... anything at all like what penetrative sex feels like? Surely not? I'm pretty sure that 0 speculums should be involved, but still. I don't think the sex ed I've had ever touched on what it would or should feel like. Is a level of discomfort normal? If so, how much? For how long?

I know that penetration isn't my only option for sex. I know that plenty of people, for plenty of reasons, have healthy sex lives that don't involve penetration at all. That said, I'd like to know if this is an option that I could enjoy, or if it just feels... like that.

Hey there. I'm so sorry you have had these bad experiences.

You know, I hate the term "penetration" for many reasons, and this is one of them. It makes some kinds of sex sound not only so different than they should feel, but also scary for no good reason.

A pap smear actually IS a pretty accurate thing to describe with that word: the cervix is opened without itself yielding, and for a lot of people, the same is true when it comes to their vaginas and the speculum. Same absolutely goes with the probe for a transvaginal ultrasound. None of these are things you are doing because you're really excited to do them (well, most folks aren't anyway), the environment they happen in isn't sexual or sensual or often even emotionally comfortable, no one is focused on anyone's pleasure, no one is (again, usually) turned on, and providers often aren't even especially attuned to only going further inside when they feel your body yield. They could be, but most aren't.

On the other hand, intercourse -- actually consensual, actually desired intercourse -- shouldn't feel anything like that, including because the conditions of it should be so different. It is about two parts coming together, not one forcefully pushing into the other: during wanted, consensual intercourse, where you're relaxed and aroused, or other kinds of sex that involve the vagina taking something inside of it, the vagina does as much of its own opening and pulling in as the other person does pushing. The environment sex happens in hopefully is also very different than this. A partner should be asking and being attentive to what feels good for you both step by step in some way, as will you, and you each get to communicate and only do things in ways that feel good, stopping or adjusting if they don't.

Sexual abuse or assault are much, much better described by the word "penetration" than actually wanted and consensual sex are. That word makes intercourse sound so much scarier and awful-er, it's no wonder people wind up scared or even experiencing a lot more pain than they would otherwise during that kind of sex because the idea of how it should go that term or ideas that resemble it make people anticipate pain, which makes pain a lot more likely.

So, if and when intercourse or other vaginal sex ever DOES feel like any of these medical treatments? I'd say that'd be a signal something is wrong: either that you don't actually want what's going on, that you feel scared instead of comfortable, that your partner isn't paying attention and being responsive to what feels good for you, that there isn't enough lube involved or other issues.

Does that help clear this up for you? <3

Hi Heather, that does help a lot!

I can see now that I got stuck on the possible similarities. Thank you for pointing out the differences that I was overlooking and reframing the situation for me. (And providing some alternative langauge/seperation. You're spot on that 'penetration' is quite an alarming word!)

I feel a lot calmer about this now

So glad to hear it, and you're welcome! I hate the idea of someone having the idea that ANY kind of sex does or would have to feel like a pap smear!

Is there anything else I can help you with?

At this moment and on this topic? No, I think I'm sorted. Thanks!

Sure thing. Feel free to circle back if you have questions about anything else or want to follow up with this! (And love the LeGuin!)