Scarleteen

I need some advice regarding a situation with me and my boyfriend. We started dating around 16-17 and we are 18 now. This situation happened around a year ago. I’m giving the context of age and that it’s our first relationship, as I believe it’s relevant that we’re still trying to figure stuff out and learning a lot.

Basically, around a year in we started to explore more sexual sides of the relationship but we still to this day never had sex. He first started asking and I said no as there was that nervous feeling but I eventually said yes. I didn’t say no much after that as I figured it’s not that deep and I didn’t mind doing it with my long term partner. Here’s where the struggle comes in. We were usually at my house when this happened or his house and our parents are usually home. I started to get really anxious that we would get walked in on or they would hear something, and I just kind of felt guilty for doing anything sexual in general (because of purity culture I believe). This is where I started to “deny” him. I just didn’t feel any sexual desire at all. I later also realized I didn’t really desire sexual activity before, I just didn’t feel so negatively about it and I've been looking into asexuality which resonates with me.

When I cut down on sexual activity, I would mainly say “i’m not in the mood right now” and he would ask again (around 15 minutes later but this was mainly because our hangouts were usually pretty short) I said yes the second time he asked. I looked into coercion as I was concerned about that as the time frame made me feel like a pushback on a no, but I ultimately I decided that saying one is not in the mood right now and saying no are different things and I think i’m ok with being asked again after saying i’m being in the mood. I’m mainly concerned if subconsciously the asking again could have impacted my answer i’m just really confused what pressure means in terms of coercion

Somewhere along there I feel like he may have reacted badly when I denied. I don’t remember any specific instance, but I just remember sensing his mood shifting (This part ties into the asexual stuff I mentioned earlier, as I said no for a pretty long time.) and I also remember feeling bad for not saying yes. None of this was intentional, I know that it’s impossible to completely hide your emotions but it made me feel bad nonetheless.
I guess overall I'm also wondering how this ties into my decisions regarding sexual activity and coercion. I believe when I agree I really am ok with the activity I guess it’s like subconsciously was I fully comfortable? It also feels really heavy and scary due to the weight that comes with coercion

Hi there, welcome to the boards.

There's a lot to unpack here and discuss, and I don't want to overwhelm you, but I'll start by saying a few things: first off, 15 minutes is not long enough for most people to suddenly have a change in sexual desire, especially if you weren't doing activities that specifically ignite that desire during that time (physical touch such as cuddling, hugs, kissing etc, or a deep conversation, a nice walk together, a shower together or a bath on your own, etc - everyone has different things that put them in that space). So if he's asking again after only 15 minutes since you said no, that would be considered pushy on his end at best, and coercion at worst.

You also mentioned that he might have had a negative reaction to your 'no' at some point, so I wanted to just make it clear that it's not okay for our partners to get angry or upset at us for not wanting sex. It's okay for them to be disappointed as they're also humans with wants and emotions, but that's not something that should be dumped onto you, and disappointment is different than anger or other stronger reactions. He should know that he needs to be patient with you rather than reacting in a way that could maybe make you feel guilty, which is not okay, because you did nothing wrong.

As far as coercion, anything other than an enthusiastic yes is basically a no. So a "not right now", or a "maybe later" is not an invitation to just some minutes later try again, as it's clearly a no. For now I will leave that part as is, and ask, how are you feeling reading that?

I also did want to ask, have you brought up the asexual conversation to him? If so, how did he react; and if not, why not?

Hi! Thanks for the reply. I guess for consent, before I would essentially just ask myself “am i ok with this right now” and the answer would be my yes or no and still probably with what i go with as i still dont really feel any sexual desire. I have told him about the asexual thing and he was surprised when I told him but took it well. We basically havent really been doing much physically and he hasnt made me feel bad for it at all and I think it give him larger contexts into the events before. Im taking everything pretty well, theres not too much that I didnt expect. Thanks again for your previous advice!

I also wanted to add another scenario I feel kind of uncertain about. Basically, we were having a really emotional conversation about breaking up. We hugged and stuff and we both were pretty like emotional for lack of a better word. He then started sucking on my boobs, and it caught me off guard. Not completely without warning, he said something before hand which he was kinda trying to tell me but it wasnt clear and I didnt pick up on it so it caught me by surprise. I was uncomfortable, and he sensed it and stopped immediately. I know he should have asked for consent beforehand, but before I have mentioned that he didnt have to ask me for consent on this as it was something I almost always enjoyed and was comfortable with. It just is weird because ive only said that once and I dont think he remembered me saying it when this happened but it could have been in his subconscious. He knows I usually enjoy it so I really think this is a genuine mistake where the emotions were super high and he had a lapse in judgement and forgot. I also wanna be clear that this is the only time he has not asking for verbal consent regarding something.

Hello Hiiniari! I'm glad to hear that your boyfriend has not made you feel bad about being asexual and not having sex.

So, we have two situations, one in which he was pushy, and another in which he apparently misunderstood what you wanted, but backed off. Have you ever talked to him about how these made you feel? And if I may ask, how do you feel about your relationship overall, now? (You mentioned that you had a conversation about breaking up. Did that end up happening?)

Hi! Thanks for replying, yes we’ve talked about it pretty extensively now and ive seen genuine changes after our conversations and hes been really apologetic. Were kind of in a weird state where we are broken up but are friends and remain in contact. My feelings towards the relationship are strange, I feel good hanging out sith him and we have a lot of fun doing things together like playing games but I think theres a skight tint over everything because of what happened so im really trying to process everything to make our now friendship I guess and the memories the best they can be

Hi, Hiinari:

It sounds like you are proceeding in the best way for your health and peace of mind with this relationship! Your comfort is priority, and if sexual activity has not been in alignment with your peace and comfort, it is best to step away from it. If the friendship is solid and you both are enjoying each others' company as friends, then it sounds like that is the level of relationship that is most appropriate for you too. And friendships can be so fulfilling!

I understand that the coloring of previous sexual relationship and memories of it can be difficult to process and get over. I think the longer time passes in friendship, it should start to fade. Do you have boundaries in place to protect yourself from going down a path you don't want to again with this person?