Dating monogamous person; developed a poly crush too! What do I do...

[DaytimeDreemurr]

...no genuinely, what do I do?
I'm a teen in HS, been (online, unfortunately) dating a longterm friend for about 5 months now? They're in the same grade as me, if youre worried about their intent. They mean the world to me, I mean the world to them. I love them deeply, and I couldn't ever imagine leaving them - which is good, because I'd be absolutely devastated if we split up!
There's just one problem though.
They aren't at all interested in polyamory; its just not their thing, and they've only seen instances of it go poorly from what I've heard, so they're kinda distant.
I thought polyamory wasn't my thing either, until I suddenly realized that I was in love with a school friend of a few weeks!
She's a new kid this year, same grade as me, we only really bonded last month. We've been chilling pretty close during school. As far as I know she just considers me a friend, but now I've just discovered the other day that I love her a lot! I really want to be with her, but I don't want to make my current partner uncomfortable or jealous or anything by pursuing her. Neither me or my partner don't know what to do about this.
To add another complication to this, I am a transgender girl! I'm not out publicly and haven't started HRT yet because of that and the fact I'm still a minor right now, so I still have the appearance of a boy, if one with long hair and a shaved face, but I've came out to both parties (given im obviously out as trans online) so they both know of my identity. Still get the feeling that may change things a little though. I have no idea if my crush would even like me romantically

TLDR: Dating monogamous partner, but have also gotten a poly crush on a friend at school. I want to be with crush as well as partner. Me and partner dont know what to do. Help

[KierC]

Hi DaytimeDreemur, and welcome to the boards! We’re so glad to have you here.

First, I’m so happy for you that you’ve found these two connections that make you feel good! How wonderful that you’re open to these experiences, and that you’re considering your partner’s comfort and boundaries in this as well. It sounds like you like this girl from school but aren’t sure how to approach this with your partner. Is that right?

I have a couple of clarifying questions that might help me a little more here. I hear you that you and your partner aren’t sure what to do. Have you spoken to your partner about this other person you’re into from school specifically, or have these conversations been about poly in a more general sense? Too, when you say you’re feeling like being out and trans might change things, can you say a little more of what that feeling is like for you?

If your partner has said specifically that they do not want to engage in a poly relationship, that’s a boundary that needs to be respected. Know what I mean? But, if you want to be in a poly relationship, or if you think you might want to explore being poly either now or at some point in your life, you can certainly do that! It just needs to be with people who are enthusiastic about it and consenting to it.

[DaytimeDreemurr]

I have directly told my partner that I'm also in love with my school crush and have directly asked them what to do.... we don't know. They don't even know what their boundaries are in this context, and given I am terrified of breaking them, this makes it... a tad difficult. From what they've said I think they want me to be happy with them but also are just iffy on the whole thing, so I dont know how to go through this........
As for the 'how does being trans change things' bit, it really just boils down to my body not matching my gender. I don't really know any specifics, it was just a general worry honestly

[amber]

Hi DaytimeDreemurr,

I am glad to hear that you've already opened that door of communication with your partner. It sounds like you know what you want but that you are also protective over your relationship with your partner. Does that sound right? I want to point out that this communication is a two-way street and that it is just as important that both of your wants and boundaries are communicated. Exploring can be great and so even if you might not have all the answers leading with an open-mind and commitment to communicating with your partner sounds like a healthy plan.

I also hear you on the general worry of your gender within your relationships. I do want to say that it seems to me that these people in your life, who you are out to, already like you for who you are. Not only that but they may also be a place to turn to to discuss these anxieties.

[DaytimeDreemurr]

First of all; sorry for late response!!
Second, I think that sounds right?? In general I'm just really trying to be conscious of my partner's feelings. I really dont want to make them uncomfortable with all this, I for one get really upset whenever I accidentlaly upset my partner so.. yeah
Sorry if the answer isnt very helpful but yeah

[amber]

No need to apologize - no response is wrong!

That makes complete sense as well. You care about this person and do not want to hurt them accidentally! Have you told them this? It may be able to start a conversation and have them open up more about what would/would not make them upset.

[DaytimeDreemurr]

ive already told them i dont wnat to make htem uncomfortable yeah
maybe i bring it up again later tonight, theyre currently busy i think and probably will be for the coming hours

[lilikoi]

Hi DaytimeDreemurr,

I am always happy when people find their people! It's definitely tricky when you find them at the same time and when it bumps up against relationship boundaries. I love how openly you and your partner are communicating through this!

Like Kier mentioned, when it comes to polyamory, it is important that everyone involved is enthusiastic about the situation. Your initial post said that your partner is "not at all interested in polyamory". If this was a boundary that they set before your current situation, I would encourage you both to honor that boundary. Boundaries matter most when they are tested. It could feel like the easier option to test the waters in your relationship but that could erode the initial connection you both had. If your partner is enthusiastic about you pursuing the other person, that sounds like an honest change of heart.

Can you share is there something about this new friend connection that fills your cup in a way you don't get from your current relationship?

[DaytimeDreemurr]

I dont even know......
All i know is I have a crush on another person now and my current partner onyl wants to date one person. I guess one thing that sets apart this friend from my current partner is that I can actually physically meet with them, which is kind of a big deal now that i think about it
im just confuuuuuseddd i dont want to force them to even meet crush but i also dont know if itd make them uncomfortable knowing that im seeing another person alongside them (it probably would wouldnt it)
its all weird and i dont understand it

[lilikoi]

What makes you happiest might not be the same as what makes your partner happiest. That's hard to come to terms with! Especially when partnerships should be sources of joy and agreement. With that in mind, our job in a relationship is to figure out what makes us happy and whether our wants/needs match the wants/needs of our partner. When two people have conflicting wants and needs, they get to decide to compromise for the other person or to hold firmly to their wants/needs.

One way to clarify this situation is to ask your partner for more clarity. Since we don't have control over whether or not they will be able to do that, we could consider clarifying what you want. If you remove the individual people from the situation (your crush and your partner), what type of relationship do you want? Imagine a blank slate. Do you want the freedom to explore with multiple people or just stick with one person? What type of dynamic do you want? Is conversation alone worth it or do you want to have a physical relationship?

[DaytimeDreemurr]

i dont even know what i want, removing the people
at a baseline, someone who cares about me deeply and that i care about deeply, and that i can hang out with anytime or go to when im stressed. multiple would be nice but this isnt speaking strictly romantic - i was ecstatic to have a new platonic friend at school who i really cared about, and then it developed into a crush. physical touch is just a bonus i think
idk
i started dating my current partner because of a crush too and i distinctly remember being very upset for a while bc they were already in a relationship and i wouldnt be able to have them, was still sad abt it until they broke up and it kinda paved the way for us to actually be together. im willing to bet if i dont at the very least confess to crush itll eat away at me, idk about if i dont actually end up having them. i think id be able to be fine with just current partner but. well. ive never experienced loving two people at once lol

[amber]

Maybe now is not the time for action but reflection? I am all for exploration and the understanding that it is ok to not know exactly what you want. BUT when relationships add more people the need for communication become seven more vital. Now may be a time to really have a conversation with your partner about what they are and arn't ok with - and you should share the same.

How would you feel if they said they do not ant you pursing this new person? How about if they said the opposite? One conversation won't answer all your internal questions but it sounds pretty necessary.

[DaytimeDreemurr]

Ill have to talk to partner abt it soon yeah
All I know is if my partner doesnt want me going for my crush then i wont, even if it makes me a tad unhappy. I would like to at least confess and say that I do in fact love crush and want to be close friends tho

[mikky]

hey there,
When you say “confess,” do you mean to this crush, or to your partner? What feels important to you about telling them?

[DaytimeDreemurr]

confess to crush yeah
i dont know what exactly would be important about it. i feel itd bring some sense of closure. hiding it like right now would hurt i think. i remember feeling a little better after confessing to my current partner back when they were in a relationship so. yeah

[mikky]

Besides this crush, do you have other close connections with friends who you see in real life regularly?

I ask because you said earlier that you’ve just realized you have these feelings toward the crush, and the friendship is new. I know how strong these crush feelings can be, but I wonder what the course of the friendship might bring? In other words, I think it can be wise to sit with new and strong feelings before we bring them to the people they are about, if that makes sense.

[DaytimeDreemurr]

sitting with it may be the plan for a while, yeah.
honestly my partner and crush are the only really close friendships ive felt for ages so i kinda fear it may just be a strange working of the brain... i wouldnt know though im not a psychologist

[char]

Hi DaytimeDreemurr (love the Undertale/Deltarune reference by the way),

Hopping in to say that yeah, it sounds like sitting with these feelings is the good way to go for now. Perhaps if you don't have someone else to talk to about it in real life, you can journal about it. It doesn't have to be fancily decorated, you can just write it down on a notebook or use your phone's notes app. Do you think this is something you'd like to try?

And not having lots of close friends is completely normal; everyone opens up to other people in different ways and pace, and often quality matters more than quantity in this case. After doing some thinking and reflecting, I hope it gets you the understanding of what you'd like to say to your crush. ^_^

[DaytimeDreemurr]

hehe someone noticed the reference in my username! i awnted it to be daydreemurr to make my user a pun too but turns out multiple others have thought of that......
to be frank ive never really kept a journal so i have no idea how itd work but. maybe. just as a way to air my thoughts out. who knows
ill let it sit for a bit yeah, thank you all <3

[DaytimeDreemurr]

hi, i still haveny really made a decision and probably wont for a few weeks, but here are some developments so far:
-my current partner has said they "dont want to stop me from being myself" and would let me go date crush, still unclear if thatll make them uncomfortable but. yeah
-crush might not be into me anyways; she apparently is into two of the men at my school and given she said she apparently found out she wasnt pansexual this year im assuming she wouldnt be into girls. granted i still look masc as i havent started transitioning yet but yeah
-i??? havent thought much abt crush during winter break????? we havent really talked much either.... idk. i fear i may have misinterpreted my thoughts on 'crush' or it may not even be a crush or something and i just havent had a deep friendship for years but i also did get legit blushy near them sometimes before school went on break so?????
thats abt all i have to say rn yeah... im confuzzled

[DaytimeDreemurr]

sooo i forceof habit sent a heart emoji to crush while just texting and got extremely blushy and flustered so. i doubt its just my brain not being able to interpret friendships but also im just a stupid teen so what do i know lol

[Latha]

Hello DaytimeDreemurr!

You are not stupid. Emotions are complicated, and it isn't always easy to draw a strict distinction between romantic and platonic affection--it is something plenty of older people struggle with too. Sometimes, the words we use for these feelings comes down more to what feels right and what would work for those involved, rather than any objective standard.

I think you're right to be hesitant about your current partner's response. Them saying they don't want to stop you from being yourself says more about their affection for you than their actual comfort. You need both for opening up your relationship to go well. What would you think of talking to them, and emphasizing that their comfort is also important to you?

I think it is a good idea to wait a few more weeks. You'll see your friend again after vacation, and that will give you more data to work with when making your decision.

[DaytimeDreemurr]

The thing is ive already TRIED so many times, ive emphasized so much that I dont awnt to make them uncofmortable and I've asked for their boundaries, and i've never gotten a solid answer!!!! Theyve only given me "I Dont Know"s!!!! Do I just have to go "give me a yes or no right now completely objectively" or something

[amber]

Hi!!
I hear you that it is stressful to be asking for and not getting clear boundaries. Although I don't think some sort of ultimatum is the answer either. Dating is all about communication, and when you add people into a relationship that need only grows.

As much as it may not be the answer you are looking for I think some time is definitely needed. Time for you partner to understand their own feelings and time for you to reflect on how you feel about this new friend. Everything may seem urgent now but it may be best to focus on uplifting your relationship with your partner and your friendships while you all figure out how you feel about the conversations you've had.

[DaytimeDreemurr]

yeah ill probably need to let it sit for a while more </3