Scarleteen

I know this is a strange problem I didnt expect to have but its been all I've thought about the last few days so yeah.

a few months ago, there was this girl at school. we had Spanish class together and at certain times each week we'd meet in the bathroom and talk in private. her parents were really conservative and strict, so she didn't have a phone or any other way to really communicate with me, so those were the only times we spoke aside from class. and once I ran into them in public and her parents told her later that they didn't approve of my "edgy" style and thought I was a bad influence. then one day she told me they were moving to a whole other COUNTRY. later I cried that entire night. on the last day before she left, we sat on the bathroom counters one last time. I remember it so vividly. we were sharing a can of monster energy and she was putting on some lip gloss. then we had our last conversation, about Spanish class of all things. she talked about how she was happy she knew Spanish because a lot more people speak it in the country she was moving to. I told her about how I'm studying Italian and wanting to move to Italy one day and she said "well I know some Italian phrases. one makes me think of you" and I said "well what is that?" and she got crazy close to my face and said "Ti amo" and leaned in and her lips touched mine. maybe it wasn't perfect but I can still remember the flavor of her lip gloss, the taste of the monster on her tounge. then I suddenly felt this crazy panic and I don't know if it was a sexuality thing or like a first kiss thing idk but I freaked out and pulled away. I got down slowly and rushed out. we locked eyes one more time and I ran out. all of it felt like a movie, idk how many of that was real. that was the last time I saw her. I still feel so guilty about it to this day.

sorry that was nice to rant about I never really told anyone about her before.

but I still think about how great that feeling was. I wish I could do it again, even not with her. the past few days all I've been thinking of is kissing a girl. every time I see an attractive one all I think of is her lips. I feel absolutely disgusting for thinking that way for some reason. need to find someone to kiss though or might go insane.

Hello, Random-rat!

There's no need to apologize for ranting--you can do that here! And I'm glad you felt comfortable telling us about this experience. I understand why it has been on your mind--it sounds very memorable.

Really, it's okay that you want to kiss someone again, and it is okay to think about that when you notice someone you feel attracted to. Doing so doesn't make you disgusting, it just means you're a person with a mind that can think about possibilities.

Does that make sense? Is there anything in particular that you wanted support with here, or did you just want a space to talk about how you feel?

I mainly just needed to tell someone about her because lately I've been feeling really guilty for leaving her like that. and I think why I'm disgusted with myself is internalized homophobia again, but I've started to work through it.

Hi random-rat

As Latha said, we’re here for you and are more than glad to listen to you about your experiences. I understand how you might feel badly for leaving, but honestly I understand: it’s a new moment, a very exciting one for you, and sometimes we react by fleeing when we experience newness and overwhelming feelings! What happened was very human and not at all wrong, so I hope you can carry this memory with a lighter heart, including when you ran away. It can also serve as a checking-in point for yourself the next time you feel this way. Know what I mean?

If you’re worried about the impact on her, though, would you be able to or want to contact her and talk about it?

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with internalized homophobia, but glad to hear you’ve been working through it. Do you want to talk about how that’s been going? Need any help or support with it?

see the issue is that I never got any of her contact info, I didn't even get her address to send letters. I've gone on Google and tried everything to find where her family might be (which felt really stalkerish) and had no luck. so now I just have to live with it and hope she's doing well.

and as for the internalized homophobia, its really helped talking to my friends who are all queer in some way. and I came out to my best friend's mom finally, and she said she'd take us all to pride in June, so I feel a lot happier celebrating who I am rather than trying to change

Hi random-rat!

It can feel so achey to remember people who changed our lives or left an impression that we have no way to contact. I have so many people in my life like that! I would say that your take on living with the memory and just wishing your old friend the best is a great way to manage those feelings. Like Kier said, your reaction was very human.

In terms of the thoughts your having about desires to kiss a girl, that is an unfortunately common experience. And there is a way out of it which it sounds like you are working through so go you! An article we have that could help is The Bees and the...Bees or Is Attraction to the Same Sex Really Okay? Taking steps to accept yourself as you are is one of the most important parts of extinguishing internalized homophobia so congrats on coming out to your best friend's mom! I hope Pride is so fun for you all!!

thanks, i've started to accept things with her and realized not all people are meant to be in your life forever, and that's ok!

and I read the articles and those were totally something I needed back when I was forcing myself to like guys. I'm really proud of how far I've come.

and thank you we cant wait!!!!