Scarleteen

I'm on the second year of my relationship with my girlfriend, and for some reason, I feel like I can't provide for her sexually anymore in the way she wants me to. I can't sext; I get embarrassed and worried about my digital footprint. In person, it's easier, but I get extremely paranoid about being walked in on or distracted by the humiliation of other people in the house (like my parents, or hers) knowing what we're doing. Especially because she's not out to her parents, and I'm not out to my dad (even though I'm pretty sure he figured it out on his own, which is maybe worse). I always feel bad, like I'm leaving her hanging or wanting more. And not in a sexy way. I've chalked it up to my libido being lower in the winter, since the same was the case this time last year, but it's probably not a lack of libido so much as sex making me incredibly nervous and afraid of the prospect of embarrassment.

Since Valentine's Day is coming up, and it falls perfectly on a Saturday, I know we'll hang out, and I know we'll have sex. I'm frightened at how much I'm dreading that part, especially compared to how excited for it she seems to be. Is this typical? Am I just thinking about it too much? Is this an asexual spectrum thing? How do I explain all this to my girlfriend without compromising her happiness and pleasure? HELP!!!!!

Hey toyotamobile345, welcome

Not wanting to sext because you are feeling worried about digital safety and privacy with parents is, in my opinion, no different than opting out of any other sexual activity for safety reasons. We should get to make informed choices about what we do and don’t want to do, and it sounds like this isn’t something you want to do.

Libido, or how much sexual desire we are feeling, is pretty sensitive to many factors. While yes, winter might have some effect, I think you’ve identified it pretty well yourself- sexting and sex is feeling nerve wracking and uncomfortable. We aren’t typically going to feel very aroused or excited for activities we don’t want to do or feel unsafe doing.
And this includes activities that feel like an obligation. Which brings us to Valentine’s Day.

You say that you know you will have sex on Saturday. What kind of communication are you having with your girlfriend now about sex? How does she react to a “no?” How does she explain what she wants, and how do you explain what you want?

My thought here is that ideally, communication around sex could leave it as a more open question rather than obligation. How this might look is something along the lines of, “I don’t feel comfortable with sex as part of a future plan, and I prefer when we make a decision together based on how we are both feeling.” I have a lifelong feud with Valentine’s day– I love pink and hearts and making my friends little cards, but geez, any situation where we get the message that we have to have sex makes me feel so icky.