Scarleteen

hello!
this seems silly, but i cant handle it anymore. i am resorting to asking strangers on the internet for help.

for a long time i have been struggling trying to figure out my sexuality. im a young teen girl and i dont know if im bi, lesbian, or WHAT. i know im very young and have all the time in the world, but the pressure is building up on me, and i just need answers.

my friends think im a lesbian. they always joke about it, and i joke back, but i think it causes me to be insecure and ashamed of my sexuality. i can barely even bring myself to say “i like girls” at all.

i RARELY get crushes. i have had maybe two my whole life. but they are both girls. i currently have one on a girl now. shes great! but she likes guys, lol. when i imagine my ideal partner, its always a girl. i cant imagine who i would marry in the future. when i imagine dating a boy, it feels foreign. it could be because i feel too unattractive for them, or just because i have never really talked to one romantically before. but it could be something more.

i think kissing, hugging, cuddling, even “doing the deed” with a girl would be great. i can kind of imagine these things with a boy, but it feels distorted and unfamiliar. somewhat uncomfortable. but what if i just havent met the right man yet? im sorry if this is not enough information. im just seeking help. which label do you think suits me the most? i need opinions, thank you for reading. xx

Hi there rolal44, welcome to the boards.

You know, we really can't choose a label for you, no one can except yourself. Even though labels are not necessary and many folks choose to not use any label, they can also be helpful for other folks, but it's not a permanent label that you have to figure out and keep forever. Rather, sexuality is fluid and it's something we can explore and decide what feels like the best fit.

From what you're describing, you do like women, and it sounds like you don't really like men. The idea that "you haven't met the right man yet" sounds like compulsory heterosexuality, commonly referred to as 'comphet'. This is the idea that heterosexuality is the default and anything else is outside the "norm", and if you don't like the opposite gender it's because of reasons such as "you haven't met the right one". It's society pushing heterosexuality on us, and then us pushing it on ourselves. The good thing is you don't have to listen to those ideas and you can just take it easy and explore what you like and don't like without pressure or ever doing anything you don't want to. If men just aren't attractive to you romantically or sexually, you don't have to ever try that, it doesn't change who you are. So if lesbian is a label that feels appropriate, that's totally fine. If queer feels better, or pansexual, or any other label or none at all - totally fine too!

I do want to touch on what you mentioned about feeling ashamed when your friends say you're a lesbian. Have you always felt this shame? Do you know why you feel that way?

i dont know if i have always felt like that, its a more recent thing. the past year or two id say. any time before that, i didnt really think about my sexuality.

i think i feel kind of embarrassed about it because i have spent so much time denying it that i dont want to go back. (and also one of my friends has a top notch gaydar and a huge ego, so i dont want to prove her right, lol) i dont know, i just want to lead a typical life and i dont want people to see me differently. my whole life would change.

I hear you, and it makes sense if it's a new thing for it to feel a bit overwhelming and like a big deal. In reality, being straight or not doesn't really change your life if you don't want it to. I'm curious in what ways you feel like your life would change?