TW: Mentions of SA and PTSD
About 5 years ago I escaped a sexually abusive relationship with a guy my age. With the support of many people, I feel I have come a very long way since then, and am doing pretty ok now.
But recently something's been happening, and I think it might be related.
Lately I have been so horny? or touch starved? Not sure how to describe it, but suddenly I can relate to a bunch Sabrina Carpenter's songs.
It feels like all my sex hormones are on fire- in a way that for a normal person I think it should feel good. I say normal person, because I have struggled with PTSD - like symptoms (still working out the logistics of a diagnosis with a councillor rn) in the past, and still experience them (but less frequently) now.
I have a theory as to what's going on, and I think I need to vent about it, and maybe someone wants to give me feed back on if I'm over reacting, or my theory is plausible.
I was pretty young when the relationship in question started; I was only 13, and had never had a boyfriend or any relationship that was even remotely romantic/intimate before.
I was a pretty average middle schooler development-wise, and was excited to have a boyfriend. Thinking about holding hands and kissing him made me giddy and blush, and the thought of cuddling (scandalous, I know) made me want to burry my face in a pillow and scream - in a good way. Anyway, this is a very long way to say that I think I was a normal, maybe even slightly tamed down, amount of "horny" (I can't think of a better word) for a 13 year old.
Then the relationship started going sideways, and after a few months , I was stuck in a very complicated, sexually abusive, and isolating relationship. (The fact that it was the beginning of the covid-19 pandemic added some extra weight to this too.)
I'm going to spare you the details, since they're not that important, but it took me a little over a year to get out, meaning I had spent a big chunk of my later puberty and middle school time in a very stressed and scared state of mind.
It took me a while to figure out exactly how hurt I was, and another while to start getting my bearings again and start to recover. It was only untill about 4 years after the relationship ended that I started feeling a bit like myself again.
Now it's been about 5 years, and what I was talking about before just happened; pretty suddenly, about 2-3 weeks ago.
I was watching a TV show with my room mates, and a scene came on where a boy and girl my age were kissing/cuddling/generally being intimate (nothing special); and suddenly I was overwhelmed with... sexual tension? desire? jealousy of the girl in the show? once again, not sure how to describe it, but I think you get the idea.
Since then I have been so easily turned on and actually craving intimacy? Which is very new to me.
For years, I've been experiencing PTSD-like symptoms of my abuse, usually after certain triggers. (skip the rest of this paragraph if you'd prefer not to read some examples) For example; after something touched my torso or legs when I wasn't expecting it, I saw certain haircuts or colours of T-shirts, or my underwear touched me weirdly (let alone any touch from a hand - even my own).
So you might be able to imagine what a strange experience it's been to feel a combination of my past symptoms (although it's gotten much better over the last half-year or so) AND AT THE SAME TIME feel what I can only imagine is the sex drive of teenager who's hormones have just kicked in, and they have the house to themselves for a weekend.
To finally get to the point of this vent: is it possible the sexual development/libido part of my puberty was delayed untill now? I was so young when the abuse started, I noticed it put a major stop to some of my development (I think I stopped growing entirely- another theory for another day ;D). Now I'm 19 (and a half), and in my second year of university.
Am I experiencing a late wave of hormones, or is this just random and can happen to anyone, or is this maybe even regular timing for such a change in libido???
I'm so confused, but typing this up has already made me feel a bit less spiral-y
If you have any input, feel free to comment
- sincerely, a scraggly sea star