Scarleteen

i frequently get the urge to masturbate but i never really go through with it, in part because it just makes me feel gross, like i feel ashamed that i grew up and now think about sex, i feel like i ruined myself and it makes it impossible to enjoy anything, including like porn or smut. i think about what if my family could see me and like logically i know its normal and not a big deal but theres something in me that just feels wrong. i dont know where i learned this from. i grew up christian and conservative i guess? i just feel embarassed and very ashamed!

Hi there, Ireallylovecats

You've mentioned you don't know where you learnt to feel ashamed. May I suggest that these messages don't need to be said explicitly for you to learn them? They are, after all, the natural conclusions of purity culture.

You can let me know if I'm mistaken, but looking over some of your previous posts here, it sounds like activities like sex have been put on a pedestal for you--treated as something that fundamentally changes your value as a person and the way that other people relate to you. That can imply without words that it is possible to have sex in the wrong way. That you are losing something irretrievable when you acknowledge your own desires, and that that is something you should be embarrassed about.

If it helps at all to hear it from someone else, you are not gross for being interested in sex, you haven't ruined yourself, and there is nothing wrong with you.

Have you had the chance to read our article on undoing sexual shame, and our series on purity culture? We'd be happy to chat with you about how you might heal from these feelings and develop a more comfortable relationship with your sexuality.

thank you for the links they seem like they’ll be helpful! yeah i guess it’s just picked up by my subconscious after all these years. it’s really frustrating but i’m gonna work on overcoming it.

We're glad to help! And we're always here in case you'd like more support around this. <3