Scarleteen

About 6 months ago I got a girlfriend for the first time in my life and so far everything has been great. I love her so much and she makes me happier than anything in the world.

But I can't stop thinking about sex, and I feel kind of horrible about it. I know it's perfectly fine to want sex and that I shouldn't be ashamed of it but I feel like there's so much more to my specific situation than just that that I gotta just write it all down. Ultimately I feel like I know what the answers to everything are, it just makes me a bit anxious waiting till we get there.

The first and foremost thing on my mind is that previously she's mentioned that she's probably ace/demisexual. So ever since we've started going out I've been contending with the fact that there's a very real possibility that she'll never want to have sex with me. Aside from staying a virgin for the rest of my life I think the thought of never being physically desired stings the most. But I truly love her. I'd never want to force her to do something she's uncomfortable with and even with a life of celibacy ahead of me I don't think I would want to leave her. I've done a bit of reading on this already, other articles here and reading around on the AVEN forums, and this seems to be a fairly common thing people with ace partners struggle with.

I've kind of been holding onto the hope that she's demisexual and that this might just take time. There was a whole thing where we were planning a trip with some friends, but the rooms only had one bed each. She wasn't super comfortable sharing a bed with me, but ended up agreeing to it anyway. A little later I stumbled across this site and after reading some of your articles got worried that she was pushing herself because of all the excitement of being in a new relationship, so I talked to her about it and it was exactly that. We talked it out and I sent her the article (https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... hip-models) and ultimately rearranged things with her in another room so she was more comfortable. She mentioned at the time that she was slowly growing more exited about the idea of sharing a bed but just wasn't ready so soon, and said she'd probably be ok with it after a few more over night trips together with our friends. So you can see the sliver of hope I've been holding on to.

I know that eventually this is just something that we'll have to talk about and figure out ourselves. I know that the only thing I can really do is wait till we get to that point. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about having to get myself off to take care of these urges till then (and maybe even longer). But I just feel so helpless. I'm terrified of bringing it up. I don't want her to think I'm moving things too fast, that I just want her for her body. Especially after we've sort of already talked about it. Even in a worst case scenario where she never wants to be with me physically I wouldn't want to leave her, she makes me so happy just being in my life. It's just frustrating to deal with these urges and physical responses, like a dark cloud that hovers over all of my interactions with her. But we're on the right track. We've grown closer over these past few months and I know we'll get to the point of talking seriously about this eventually. My dick just wishes it would all happen sooner.

Hello and welcome to the boards, NervousBoi!

It sounds like you and your girlfriend are doing wonderfully with communication--I'm happy our relationship models piece could help with that a little.

I am also glad that you know all the things you do. It is true that you don't have to feel guilty about wanting sex, or about taking care of that need on your own. It is okay that you feel attracted to your partner, and that the subject is on your mind when you are around her. And it is quite possible that if you wait, you will end up talking about intimacy in your relationship. You'll have the answers you've been looking for.

I want to point out, though, that your girlfriend is not the only person with the right to bring up concerns in your relationship. If this topic has left you feeling helpless and terrified and anxious, you should be able to confide in your partner. The point of that wouldn't be to convince her to have sex with you--it would be to talk about how you are feeling.

If you were to have this conversation, I think it would help to tell her the things you've told us here: That you don't just want her for her body, and you are not trying to hurry her when she isn't ready. That she makes you very happy, and that you wouldn't leave her even if she didn't want to have sex with you. That you are talking about your own feelings, not trying to get her to change her actions. Hearing about how much you care about respecting her boundaries will probably be reassuring, and help her listen to you without feeling pressured to respond in a certain way.

This can be a space for you to get these feelings off your chest, but I do want to check in: Knowing something is different from actually believing in it. Have you felt ashamed about masturbating, or about having needs that conflict those of your girlfriend? Is that something you would like our advice on?

Yea I think you might be right, I do feel ashamed about all of this. I feel like I'm going behind her back and cheating on her when I go masturbating to porn of other women. More recently I've been trying to find videos with girls that look like her. Sometimes while doing it I'll look away from the screen and just wish I was with her instead. And I hate it. This is exactly the kind of thing I shouldn't be doing, lusting over her like this. I know it's not as dramatic as that, I know I just need to deal with these urges, hell I'm even pretty sure that she would be understanding about everything. She's kind and compassionate like that and the best girl I could ever ask for. But I still can't help feeling guilty about it all.

The worst is how sometimes I'll cum a little after hugging her. I've done some looking into it and I've been assured that something like this happening is perfectly normal, but every time I get home after a nice date with her and I find a small stain in my underwear I feel like a fucking monster.

But we're on the right path! Everything is going well! I know we just need more time. I don't know how I would even bring it up. I think more so than just time we also need the space for this. She lives in the next town over so I don't get to see her that often, maybe once a month or so, and when I do we're usually out in public. A while back we went up to a cottage with some friends and at one point we snuck away to hang out in a room on our own and ended up talking about a lot of more personal stuff. It was really nice, but we don't usually have that kind of private space for ourselves and this seems like the kind of conversation that would necessitate that rather than just doing it over text or while sitting on a park bench somewhere.

Honestly, nervousboi, it sounds to me like you're doing all the right things. You aren't a monster for experiencing desire, for masturbating, or for fantasizing. What we fantasize about is our business, so long as it's not affecting how we treat the other person. In this case, it sounds like you have deep respect for your partner and strong communication-- none of which has yet been jeopardized by your desire (if I'm reading you right). I also want to encourage you to be easy on yourself regarding your body's involuntary reactions. That's not something you (or anyone) can control.

I hear you on not having this conversation via text or over the phone. In person is probably best, but a video call is another option. And I wouldn't rule out the "park bench" idea. Research shows that tough conversations can be made easier if we have them while we're going for a walk with the other person. Assuming you can find somewhere you won't be overheard, does that sound like an option that might appeal to you both?

Straif wrote: ↑Fri Feb 20, 2026 12:30 pm What we fantasize about is our business, so long as it's not affecting how we treat the other person.

That makes me feel a bit better actually. I think I just need to be more patient, as I said I feel like we're already heading down the right track and will get to this point eventually anyway. I just need to learn to be less hard on myself. There's no need to try and make this conversation happen sooner than it will, and if I can forgive myself for feeling the way I do the journey there will be a lot easier.

I'm glad Straif's words helped you feel better, nervousBoi! I agree that compassion for yourself is important, here. You can respect your girlfriend's feelings around sex and attraction, while also being kind about your own.