Orgasms during sex

[gnarp_gnarp_2]

Hey scarleteen, it’s me again.

I’ve been struggling to orgasm during sex even tho I can do it alone. I still feel kind of guilty for not being able to but I just don’t really know what to do. my partner says it’s fine but I can tell they are a bit frustrated from me not being able to cum.

Also I don’t ever say this enough but thank you for reading and responding all of my stupid rants and thoughts. It really means a lot

[Anya]

Hey there gnarp_gnarp_2,

Welcome back!

To get it out fo the way, your thoughts and rants are NEVER stupid. It is the reason we are here; to help ya through all the stuff practically nobody teaches us how to process, learn about, and feel. We are happy to help you, always.

This does sound like a frustrating place to be. The orgasm gap sure is real, in that, oftentimes if you dont have a penis, having an orgasm during sex may take different steps. People with vulvas tend to take between 20-40 minutes on average to have an orgasm, compared to the 5-10 min statistic for people with penises, so for one, time difference is a real thing (this is not to say everyone takes this amount of time, it is only an average.) Orgasm for people with vulvas often also involves different kidns of stimulation than simply penis-in-vagina intercourse. The clitoris is accessed both from inside and outside the vagina with a majority of people reporting having an orgasm by prioritizing stimulation to the external part of the clitoris, either instead of or during vaginal intercourse. For more information i've linked a few relevant articles of ours:
Sexual Response and Orgasm: A User's Guide
The Great No-Orgasm-From-Intercourse Conundrum

I also want to mention that a often in these situations, a bulk of the reason people have a hard time with orgasm is mind space. You may not notice it unpromted, but I'd recommend starting to be aware of how you are feeling and what you are thinking when you're having sex, or when you start to get upset about not having an orgasm. Stress is (truly a lot of the time) a obstacle that people don't even realize plays such a big part in your ability to feel arousal/orgasm. If you feel comfortable enough to do this with your partner, or if you need to take a moment in the bathroom, I'd try taking a few deep breathes, reminding yourself orgasm isn't the only goal of sex, and relaxing each muscle in your body, making your way from your feet up to your head. Also notice what thoughts come up, and if you're thinking things like, "ugh I can't orgasm, there must be something wrong with me" take note of the thought, and kindly let it pass, because both you and I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with you <3. Our brains love to play tricks on us and make us think things like this (usually to protect us), but we are brave and can tell our brains to shut up for a second sometimes and realize as long as we enjoy ourselves, and are having fun, that is what we should care the most about.

Do you and your partner typically engage in vaginal intercourse? Or have you also tried things like mutual masturbation, where you are in control of your own genitals, but still getting to be with them and feel pleasure on your terms?