I don't watch porn, am I weird?

[ketchup_drinker]

Whenever I (F20) decide to masturbate, I don't watch or listen to any erotic material. I usually just turn the lights off and do it in complete silence and use my imagination. The most I'll do is listen to music but that's it. I have a pretty vivid imagination but I usually just focus on the physical sensations of it until I'm done. It's weirdly meditative in that way. I tried to look up one of those audio pornos made for women and literally turned it off within 10 seconds because the guy's voice icked me out.

For context, I was raised semi-religiously and thought I was going to wait until marriage to have sex until I was about 16. I didn't start masturbating until after I lost my virginity and basically knew nothing about female masturbation for my whole adolescence until I bought a vibrator from Target. All I know about porn is that it's mostly made for men and has terrible acting. I am also in online art spaces so I've been exposed to a lot of drawn/animated porn but that's not really my cup of tea either.

I am too embarrassed to look up porn. The thought of going on like Pornhub actually makes me want to crawl in a hole and die. Part of me thinks it's because I'm like too woke and porn is too disrespectful towards women, but part of me also thinks its some sort of internalized shame I have from my religious upbringing. Like I said I have also tried audio porn but I just got too much embarrassment from it and had to turn it off. I've thought about maybe masturbating to like movies of actors I like or something, but something about that feels really violating? Like if I was a regular actress I wouldn't want people jacking off to my movies.

Me and my long term boyfriend try to be open with each other about our sexual habits outside of our relationship. We both have only had sex with each other but he talks about jacking off on days we don't see each other. I don't want to get all pearl clutching and puritanical on him for watching porn and fulfilling his own needs but I still can't help but get kind of ill at the thought. This is kind of it's own tangent though so I will move on.

He went through my browser history as a joke once looking for porn and was like baffled that there was none in there. I consider myself to have kind of a higher than average sex drive but I just never started watching porn and feel weird about doing it now? I feel like I'm kind of missing out though on like additional sexual stimulation. Usually when I masturbate I can get myself to come pretty fast without it. I just really have an aversion to porn but I can't tell if I'm just being a prude about it and I should just try it out again. But I also feel like if it ain't broke, don't fix it and I can continue on the way I am already doing it.

I know some couples watch porn together so would it be weird if I asked my boyfriend to like show me what's good? I don't want him to judge me or think I'm like prying into his personal sexual experiences or tastes. He wouldn't be completely off in thinking that because I am genuinely curious what kind of stuff he watches but I feel like I would just get insecure about myself looking at the actresses (side tangent). He's the only person I've ever been sexual with and I feel like he could help me but I don't want him to judge me. Most other people can figure out how to watch porn by themselves. I think I might have missed a memo somewhere....

[Latha]

Hi there, Ketchup_drinker--welcome to the boards!

To answer the question in the title, you are not weird. Sure, many people watch pornography and find it to be pleasurable, but that doesn't mean you have to do it, or that it is strange that you don't like it. If you don't want to engage with sexual media, you don't have to.

Part of me thinks it's because I'm like too woke and porn is too disrespectful towards women, but part of me also thinks its some sort of internalized shame I have from my religious upbringing.

If watching erotic material would help you heal the internalized shame you mentioned, that could be something to explore. However, I couldn't recommend making yourself watch porn just because you feel like you should--to fix yourself, or to be like other people. For one, you are fine as you are, and that is the kind of pressure that can only detract from enjoyment. But also, even if you healed all the internalized shame you have and learned all about ethical/feminist sexual media, you might still find that sexual media isn't for you. That would be okay, because this is a totally optional activity. As I see it, you wouldn't really be missing out on anything--pornography could only an additional source of pleasure if watching it would actually make you feel good. Does that make sense?

I don't think it would be weird at all for you to ask your boyfriend to recommend pornography, or to talk about what he likes to watch. But I see how this might be a little intimidating: you are curious about your partner's interests, and want to learn about sexual media with someone you trust to help you, but you don't want to feel judged, or make him feel judged either. I'm generally of the opinion that honesty can really help in discussions like these: What would you think of starting by telling your boyfriend exactly what you've said here about your intentions and fears? That way, you'll be able to reassure each other.

As with all media recommendations, I think we should remember that what your boyfriend thinks is good might not be something you would actually enjoy. You have a sense of what you like with sex, and you know what you don't like about pornography. Doing some exploration guided by your own interests might give you a better sense of what the options are.