Scarleteen

hey so. this is sort of embarrassing for me, I've never really spoken about this before or made any posts or anything, but I'm 17 and I'm a virgin, so I don't have any experience with sex or anything similar, in fact I've never really had a boyfriend. I think the main thing that's holding me back from dating at the moment is the fact that I feel like if things progress into anything serious (like, having sex) I'm not going to enjoy it.

see, the problem is, I've tried to pleasure myself, but it doesn't feel any good to me. It's really been messing with me, because I'm starting to wonder if there's something wrong with me. like is it possible that I'm just unable to feel sexual pleasure? It's really starting to stress me out, because, I know there's no rush, but everyone my age is dating and starting to have sex with their partners. And I'd like that too, you know? of course, I know there's more to dating, and it's not all about sex, but I'm still slightly anxious about if things get to that point, that I won't enjoy it, and potentially risk upsetting my partner? But dating aside, I don't understand why I don't feel good when I masterbate. It's not even uncomfortable or anything, I just don't feel anything, which sucks, because I do feel aroused by things, but I can never really do much about it. I know I've rambled a lot but I really am just anxious that there might actually be something wrong with me.

Hi blu3st4rs, welcome! I hope you can learn this is not a place where we pass any kind of judgement or shame to users, and even though it can feel uncomfortable to share for the first time, none of this is embarrassing. Let’s also start with the big important thing- there is not anything wrong with you.

If you scroll around on the boards, you might notice a lot of other people who are posting about masturbation not feeling good. I try not to “troubleshoot” it too much with folks, since I think that can make us feel like our bodies/sexualities are problems to fix, if that makes sense? Instead, I think it can be helpful to read up a bit on masturbation, and try out some new things. Often, the biggest thing is coming to masturbation relaxed, and without pressure to feel a certain way. Like any sex, it’s something you get to say no to at any time.
It sounds like you are experiencing arousal, is that usually where your head is at when you masturbate? What do you enjoy in your life otherwise, and what makes you feel best in your body (like, do you like to read? Play high-contact sports? Sunbathe?)?

Here’s a good starting point with articles, please let us know if you have questions:

Quickies: Masturbation
Take a Self-Love Road Trip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation
Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation
How Do You Masturbate?
When the Big O is a No-Show

It seems like you know that “serious” doesn’t need to mean sexual. It’s true that a lot of teenagers do explore sex, but it isn’t everyone (even when it feels like it). Something that might be helpful for you – it was helpful for me at 17– is thinking of sex as experimentation/exploration, whether solo or partnered. New sensations can be kinda weird and awkward and exciting and lackluster and just… new! So, if you were to be in a relationship with someone else, and you both wanted to have sex, and then you didn’t enjoy it, I think that would be a very normal and reasonable piece of the learning process. And we really can’t know what your hypothetical partner’s hypothetical reaction to hypothetical reactions to hypothetical sexual activity, right? I would hope that you would be able to have that experience, should you want it, with someone who could communicate with you in a kind and caring way and understand that early sexual experiences aren’t necessarily going to be mind-blowing-pleasure-fests.