I don't want a sexuality

[FuriouslyAro13]

Hello.

Im a 17yo trans girl.

I posted here before, although admittedly I, out of anger and defensiveness, lashed out instead of clarifying. Im sorry about that. Ill try to listen better this time round

So, ill just be straight to the point:

I dont want to be a sexual being anymore. I never plan on having sex. I don't want to engage in masturbation. I don't want to watch porn or read erotica.

I just want to be entirely nonsexual.

Is there any in which to achieve this? Thank you in advance.

[Heather]

Hi again, FuriouslyAro. I'm afraid that again you are asking for something where you're not likely to like the answers we give you (because the only factual answers to what you're asking are unlikely to satisfy you), so I need to ask that that this time around, you please work to manage your own feelings without lashing out or making baseless accusations about our staff or our services. I appreciate your apology about last time.

There's nothing anyone can really do to get rid of whatever one's sexuality is when it comes to things like feelings you have or desires that come up.

But you of course have the choice to not do anything with any of those things, and for many people who feel the way you do -- or who have sexual feelings or interests, but choose not to pursue them for any number of reasons -- simply not paying much attention to sexuality will often make those feelings, thoughts or interests come and go pretty easily when they do come up. In a lot of ways, much of our sexuality is like a fire: if we don't feed it wood and air, the fire tends to stay tiny and go out pretty quickly.

I do want to add that if you aren't already, if you ever choose to use estrogen for gender affirmation, many people who transition their bodies from being testosterone-rich to more estrogen-rich will often experience decreases in sexual desire (not because estrogen kills desire, it's also usually part of it for people, but because it dampens testosterone, which tends to intensify it). That may be one side benefit for you if it's something you want to do or are thinking about.

What is it that is making you feel like you need to do something about your sexuality rather than just kind of leave it be and focus on other things? can you say a little more about what's troubling you and what the struggle more specifically is with this?

[FuriouslyAro13]

[quote=Heather post_id=83820 time=1774363451 user_id=49]
What is it that is making you feel like you need to do something about your sexuality rather than just kind of leave it be and focus on other things? can you say a little more about what's troubling you and what the struggle more specifically is with this?
[/quote]

I don't really want to get into details, but I am just... an all around horrible person when aroused, I guess?

It's hard to admit but when I get aroused I usually end up looking for porn to satisfy my wants, but the result is that I look up stuff that either doesn't really excite me or is really immoral/questionable (r4peplay, "ebony" interracial (I want to vomit having typed that out), z00philic fantasy, etc).

This stuff is really gross to me and I'm just more dangerous for it. I've tried quitting so many times but can't. I always come back to this same stuff, over and over. It's disgusting how pathetic I am. I don't know how I face the world and pretend I'm a good person when this is what I watch behind closed doors. I yearn to not have any desire, as this mess disgusts me and I am legitimately repulsed by what feels like an astral horror level mind control it plays on me.

I don't know if I am just bad at taking responsibility, or if it really is this debilitating. But I really need help and nobody has been able to give it.

[Heather]

Can I ask if there are other arenas of your life where you feel like your thoughts and feelings are what you'd consider "bad," or where you feel like you find yourself seeking out things that make you feel bad?

[FuriouslyAro13]

I mean, not that I immediately recall.

[Heather]

Okay. I just wanted to make sure that some or even all of this wasn't stemming from something like OCD, and the intrusive thoughts that can sometimes be a part of it. If this is or has something to do with OCD or something like it, I just want to be sure that you and I aren't wasting your time and energy trying to solve for something that we can't without qualified help/treatment, you know?

I'm still not feeling 100% sure something like that isn't in the mix here though, because it sounds like you are saying that looking at porn that makes you feel bad is compulsive: something you can't stop yourself from doing, no matter how hard you try. Does that sound like your experience?

[FuriouslyAro13]

For the record, I have been diagnosed with OCD. I take meds for it. That said, I dont think its a part of this problem...

What you said does sound like my experience.

[Heather]

Given that, and other things you have described, I'm not as sure as you that OCD isn't part of this. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised it if wasn't a lot of it.

Certainly, if you don't feel able to stop yourself from doing somethings you don't want to do, especially something that can't create any kind of chemical dependence, that is compulsive behavior. And if what you keep focusing on or seeking out -- or even thinking about -- are things that make you feel terrible, that does sound to me like it's about intrusive thought.

Medication alone won't usually help with these aspects of OCD, and sometimes it won't help at all with them. Since you are clearly so troubled -- I'd almost say tortured, from the way it sounds like you feel -- by this, would you be willing to at least talk to the mental healthcare provider you work with for your OCD about this to see what they say? This really could be the route to no longer feeling like this, and without knowing if your healthcare provider thinks this is related to your OCD or not, I really can't give you advice or strategies that are very likely to work for you. <3