Identity confusion? Possibly wrong channel

[Jax-in-the-box]

Im kinda really struggling right now, and i cant say with exacty what rather it's identity or just comfortability. But i feel like im kinda going nuts. I'm 16 and I feel like im alone in this, I currently am really weird around sexual stuff, not as a topic but like in doing or acting a way involving it with my partner, and in general. I'm not asexual i know that, I do experience sexual attraction. But when it comes to doing stuff rather it's just flirting in sexual context or more I get really uncomfortable or im disconnected from it entirely and don't feel anyway about it besides that acting that way is a chore. If it's joking, im fine, and personally I still have a drive. I still want to want that stuff, and sometimes but rarely I do want to do something within that context, but actually doing it? I feel icky. It doesn't matter who with, I just don't feel very comfortable or into it. I feel terrible too because my partner struggles with confidence and while they respect how I feel they also feel unwanted if I don't play into it (they don't force or pressure me to) but I end up having to comfort them over it and then I feel even worse. This is kinda explained poorly, but I would appreciate any sort of advice or even like an idea of what to look up. I used to be way more comfortable with this stuff, then it just changed, and I hate it. It makes me feel broken I guess.

[Latha]

Hi there, Jax-in-the-box

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling right now! Your feelings may be confusing to navigate and they may not be playing well with your partner's struggles, but I hope it will reassure you to hear that there is nothing wrong with you for having them--you are not broken. Though I couldn't tell you exactly what is causing this at this point, I wouldn't say you are alone. You are far from the first person to deal with surprising stress and discomfort around sex that only appears in certain contexts. We can talk about what is happening here, and see if we can find something that helps.

To start, I have a few questions. You've mentioned that you used to be way more comfortable with sex, but now you are not. What was it like then? Do you have a sense of what changed?

[Jax-in-the-box]

I mean its not just sex, its just most things in sexual context. Plus my partner and I are long distance so right now sex isn't that big a factor currently. But if anything I was fine with it for like years, it never bothered me aside from insecurity. I genuinely wanted those types of interactions and liked attention in sexual context. As for what changed I have no clue, I just feel like I randomly got uncomfortable with stuff like that, I just started feeling icky uncomfortable, and out of place when anything related to sexual stuff happened. I still want to do stuff, I just don't like it when the actual situation comes up. If im not uncomfortable I just feel like its a chore and its irritating.

[Straif]

Hi Jax-in-the-box,

Reading what you're saying here and some of your previous posts, there are a few things coming to mind, but I want to start by saying there is nothing wrong with you and you're in the right place to get support!

1. Even if you don't have a sense of what changed, do you have a sense of around "when" things started to shift for you or when you noticed these conflicting feelings coming up? If you can start there, you might be able to identify things that went on around that time that could be contributing. Keep in mind that they may have nothing to do with sex or relationships. Any significant changes or stressors in our lives can impact us in unexpected ways.

2. How are you feeling about your body and your self-esteem? I've noticed that a lot of folks think we get over our insecurities and that's that, but they do have ways of popping up unexpectedly, especially when dealing with stuff like fatphobia that can be pretty pervasive and subtle on a cultural level. I recommend getting curious about your feelings and checking in with yourself honestly.

3. It seems like you're feeling pressure from yourself, if not from your partner, to be sexual. Ironically (and unfortunately) that precise kind of pressure that tends to make us feel uncomfortable in our bodies and/or hesitant to connect. Do you think you could try refocusing on your own pleasure and what feels good to you? Since y'all are long distance, this might be a great time to give yourself some breathing room to have a sexual relationship with yourself on your own terms. A lot of times that kind of re-centering of our own pleasure can carry over to our interactions with others. If you don't feel like being sexual even with yourself, try concentrating on other things that give you pleasure and stay in touch with your body in those moments.

4. How are you feeling about your current relationship? Long-distance can be tough and underlying tensions in a relationship tend to get exacerbated if you're not able to talk about them in person. Think about what you can do to connect and be present/vulnerable with your partner outside of sexual contexts. Find ways to laugh together and to ask deep questions. If that's already something y'all do, how does it go?

Hopefully, something in there will set off some "ah-ha" moments, but, even if they don't, we can keep investigating this with you.

[Jax-in-the-box]

If im being honest none of this seems to really hit home, I mean I am very insecure and I know for a fact that is a factor, but its not straight up why. Even before, I was insecure and still wanted and was fine with things in sexual context. Though I will admit even if its not the cause or why the long distance thing I can kinda relate to. But when I think about it, I don't feel gross because of pressure most the time, the majority of the time I just feel like its gross, maybe repulsive? Kinda a strong term, but i feel disgusted with doing that stuff. Talking about it, not acting or flirting, im perfectly fine with, but when it comes into play is where I feel just purely gross. It's not even at something specific, its just like this feeling that settles in my gut. Even when it's just me I feel like that sometimes, I have to force myself to not think after doing anything or else I just feel disgusted.

[lilikoi]

Hi there Jack-in-the-box,

How long have you been feeling this way? The first thing that comes to mind is whether or not you are on any medication. Your hormones are responsible for sexual desire and arousal so medication can impact how your body responds to sexual contexts. For example, a symptom of SSRIs can be a decrease in sexual desire.

In case it's helpful, if we dive into your thinking behind your feeling, what specifically about a sexual context is repulsing you right now? I wonder if identifying that would help make sense of these new feelings. So far it sounds like the feeling is a vague gut feeling that's hard to describe. Is that correct?

Also, I want to reassure you that it's okay to live a life without sex! Some phases of life do not include sexual experiences for a number of reasons. You are not broken because you are experiencing a change in how you relate to other people and your body.

[Jax-in-the-box]

The only medication im on is birth control for my period, this has been going on way longer than I've been on the pill. As for what makes me feel repulsed I can't pin point that, its just everything about it. But yeah, vague gut feeling is the best way to describe it I guess

[Tara]

Hi, Jax-in-the-box:

I'm sorry you are feeling this way about sex and I do have to re-iterate what other volunteers have already told you that this is not uncommon, particularly if you might have any sexual trauma contributing to this. If that is the case (and you do not have to share if it is or isn't), then there may be some underlying things that might need worked out emotionally or physically in therapy. Have you explored any of these feelings you are having with a therapist?

[Jax-in-the-box]

I mean I kinda do have a bit of trauma in that area but I never considered it as a factor since none of it is particularly huge or bad. But no i haven't talked to a therapist about it, im not in therapy right now though I am trying to. I just also never thought about talking to a therapist about it since im a teen and I feel like thats taboo or not allowed or smth. Though maybe it would be a good idea to explore since I don't know exactly why I feel like this, thats like the main reason I'm so frustrated.

[Tara]

Yea, it's just one way to explore and process any underlying emotions that may be factoring into how you are feeling right now. But you are correct that because of your age you may not be able to talk about all topics confidentially. Talking to someone trusted about your feelings helps for them to be reflected back to you objectively to uncover some of the whys and hows behind your emotions. Are you thinking about finding a therapist or need help finding one?

[Jax-in-the-box]

Yeah, I think im gonna keep trying to get a therapist. I have a referral, just need to get on my mom's case on following it up. Thank you!

[Tara]

Great! Let us know how further we can help.