i can’t get any sexual satisfaction

[enberries]

hi again

i posted on here in january of this year about how no matter what i did, i couldn’t seem to orgasm or stay focused on sex or masturbation. i didn’t get the chance to respond to the last response from a team member, and since it’s been a while since i first made that post, i figured i’d make a new one.

at the time of posting, i had a girlfriend who was very supportive & understanding of me, and seemed to want to help me with this. this ended up not being the case, as she removed a condom that without my consent or knowledge (i forget if i mentioned in my last post that she is trans). after i broke up with her, also i found out that she’d been cheating on me with multiple people.

i took a few months to process everything, and am doing much better now. i am still having issues with masturbation and sex though, as i can’t let myself give in to how it feels and my mind keeps wandering. it’s a bit easier to keep focused when i’m with someone else (i’ve hooked up with a couple of people recently), but i can’t let go and everything ends up feeling performative, and i can never get any sexual satisfaction. i’ve used a vibrator a couple of times by myself, but i still have the issue of my mind wandering and becoming bored and disengaged. i feel restless and horny like 80% of the time, and i’d really like to be able to actually get some satisfaction out of masturbation & sex.

[char]

Hey enberries, welcome back. I am deeply sorry to hear that your ex-girlfriend was not being honest with you. Condom removal without consent--a.k.a. "stealthing"--counts as sexual assault, and it poses risks of pregnancy and STIs. Have you been able to get tested? We can help you with that, if you'd like, and we are also here if you want to talk more about that.

If you'd like to continue the conversation we had on your previous topic, we can carry that over here as well. As you may have seen over there, this was the latest reply from Heather:

Can you tell me what "other stuff" is here? And are you saying that making out is something that seems to hold your attention better than, say, genital sex? Can you also tell me a little bit more about your specific ADHD and how you manage it? It sounds like you have more of a distracted type than a hyperfocused type: is that right? And if so, is there anything you do or have done -- in general, not around sex in particular -- whether that's medications, certain practices, etc., that you have found is successful in helping you focus?

Adding to what Heather has said, I also wonder if your last relationship could have an impact on your experiences of pleasure--sexual and non-sexual. Beyond sex, how have you been taking care of yourself after the breakup?

[enberries]

i haven’t been able to get tested, i’ve been trying to though. my parents don’t know that i had a girlfriend or had sex, i’m not comfortable talking to them about stuff like that, so it’s been a bit hard to go behind their back. i can’t drive myself to a clinic, it’s too far to walk, and the public transport where i live is basically nonexistent. i’ve been trying to figure something out still, but i’m pretty sure that i’m clean because after i broke up with my gf i demanded that she get tested, which she did and she was clean. i’d still like to get tested myself as who knows if she lied about that or if someone i hooked up with had something.

in my last post, i believe i was trying to say that i can pay more attention for longer when making out than i can having sex.

i have combined type ADHD, and I can’t take any ADHD meds. i tried 4 different medications, and they all gave me such bad side effects (such as losing 35 pounds), i had to stop taking them. i do take medications for anxiety and depression though, which have worked pretty well. the main challenges i have with my ADHD are school and sensory issues. i can’t focus in class, so i usually end up doing most of my schoolwork at home or during my study hall, and i have sensory issues mainly around sound and food, so i wear noise cancelling headphones when i’m in public.

after breaking up, i blocked my ex on everything so she couldn’t contact me and i wouldn’t be tempted to contact her. i took time to process everything, and to just be sad and angry, and i wrote down a list of all the shitty things she’s done so whenever i start to feel like i miss her i can look at that and remind myself she’s a horrible person. i rarely run into her, so that’s been incredibly helpful. i spent a lot of time just trying to be me, doing things that make me happy, and spent time doing nothing. this month i went to a party and i was flirting with this girl, and i ended up hooking up with her, and that actually made me feel better, being with someone else. the sex was awful and i still had the same issues, but it made me feel more like myself i guess? so that happened a few more times recently.

[amber]

Hi enberries, thanks for sharing all of that!

I am so sorry you went through that with your ex. It is great that you processed everything in what sounds like a healthy way <3

I hear you on the difficulties of getting tested. Do you have a primary care provider or go to annual appointments? This would be a great time to ask about getting tested. You could even be honest with them about trying to keep it from your parents.

Thank you again for sharing the ways in which you navigate challenges with your ADHD. Although we my think of it as completely separate, we can have sexual experiences with the same care, accommodations, and support that we do anything in life! We have a pretty new article here which talks about accommodations during sex. Although it might not fit your case perfectly I think it could be helpful in thinking of ways you may be able to find sex more enjoyable -- Learning From Autistic People About Sensory Accommodation During Sex .

An example in the article, and a very common practice during sex, is the idea of closing off one or more senses to enhance the feelings of others. I wondering if trying to wear noise cancelling headphones, for example, during sex could be something that'd help you stay in the moment and feeling.

There isn't a one shoe fits all of accommodation so this will certainly take some trial and error, but I also think it could be a fun exploration! How does any of that sound?

[amber]

I also want to add on that sometimes medications for anxiety and depression can cause changes in sexual desire. People sometimes experience greater difficulty at experiencing pleasure or orgasm.

We could talk about this more if you'd like, but if the medications are helping I say the other stuff I mentioned are a great place to focus!

[enberries]

hi, thank you for your response and the article! i read over it and it was all really interesting and made a lot of sense. i’ve tried some of the stuff that was mentioned in the past (sex in a quiet room or with music in the background, a blindfold, earplugs/headphones). having music in the background or a really quiet room have both helped, as well as having boundaries around touch & positions. i’ve had partnered sex and masturbated with headphones or earplugs, and sex with a blindfold, and it only makes my problem worse, as it’s easier for me to slip into disconnect. i feel like i’ve tried everything and it’s really frustrating.

i don’t have a family doctor anymore and don’t have regular appointments, so i can’t really ask them about getting tested. i also don’t want to mess around with my medications at all because the last time i did, i could barely function for months.

[Tara]

Hi, enberries:

I am sorry you are having challenges with sexual desire and fulfillment while on your medications. I agree that you don't want to mess around with your meds. It is likely something you would want to discuss with a medical provider because if its a physical repercussion from the meds, there may be some things they can look at in switching your type, dosage, etc. or provide you with something alternative that can help? What are your thoughts about trying to see a PCP? Is there any issue in looking for one or is that an option for you?

[enberries]

hi,

i’m on my mother’s insurance and she checks it regularly, so i don’t think i’d be able to go to a pcp unfortunately.

[Tara]

Does your mother expect you to not go for an annual physical check-up? That might be a good excuse to go.

[enberries]

no she doesn’t, she only really believes in holistic stuff and unless it’s an emergency, she doesn’t like me going to doctors. the only exception is my psychiatrist appointments, and she sits in on them.

[KierC]

Hey enberries,

Gosh, I’m sorry to hear this. Have you asked or do you feel comfort asking for a doctors appointment? Too, how do you feel about your mom sitting in on your psychiatry appointments?

[enberries]

i’ve asked before, but my mother makes me tell her what it’s for, and then she never ends up making an appointment and makes me take essential oil capsules instead. the only way i was able to get tested once before is that i lied and said i was hanging out with friends and the my ex drove me to planned parenthood. none of my friends can drive so this isn’t really an option to do again, and i can’t take public transportation or pay for a taxi or uber.

i hate that she sits in on my appointments, i can’t talk about so many things while she’s there. she sits in because one of the only times she wasn’t there, i said something about her which got her reported to cps. thankfully she doesn’t do anything that bad anymore.

i feel like i can’t trust anyone in my life to talk to, especially when it comes to sex and the difficulties i’m having with it, which is why i came here. i’ve researched so much and tried so many things, and i’m so frustrated with everything. i feel like i’m running out of things to try and that i’m gonna feel like this forever. i hate that my brain keeps sabotaging my body. i hate my ex for what she did to me, and i hate that my body was part of the reason she did it. i know she was probably just looking for an excuse to cheat, and it’s not my fault, but i feel like it is. i hate that i’ve made people i’ve slept with feel bad because i couldn’t stay in it for more than five minutes, and they felt like it was their fault. i hate that i can’t experience pleasure in the way that i want to, for more than a few minutes.

i’m sorry for ranting, i’m just so frustrated and i feel like i’m getting nowhere.

[Latha]

Hello there, Enberries.

You don't need to apologize for ranting. It is so understandable that you are frustrated--it is not fair that you don't have people you can confide in, and that you are struggling to direct your focus to things that would help you feel good despite your best efforts. It is not okay that your mother is keeping you from seeing doctors who could help and sitting in on your appointments to prevent you from saying things she doesn't approve of. This is your space, so you can rant if you need to--we are here for you.

I appreciate you answering all our questions. I want to see if we can work around this issue with your mother, because you should be able to be honest with your doctor about how you are feeling. Can you tell us what you think of your psychiatrist? Do you like them/have they been responsive to your concerns in the past? I'm wondering if they can initiate a request to speak to you without your mother present.

thankfully she doesn’t do anything that bad anymore.

Not doing anything that bad anymore is not a standard that you should have to accept, though I understand there may not be other options, practically. Would you feel comfortable saying a little more about what your relationship with your mother is like? I'm asking because it is concerning to hear that she was reported to CPS, and I want to get a sense of whether you are safe at home now.

I don't mean to downplay how frustrating this is, but I hope that you will not lose hope. There is a lot about your sexuality that can change over a lifetime. Time, experience with managing your focus, and a different environment could do a lot to make this easier.

i hate my ex for what she did to me, and i hate that my body was part of the reason she did it.

Did she tell you this? If she did, you are right that it is an excuse, and a poor one at that. This is not your fault. Not having the experience you prefer with someone during sex is no justification for cheating (or for assault). At many different points, she made the choice to disrespect you and your relationship together, and that is on her.

[enberries]

thank you for letting me rant.

my psychiatrist is ok, though sometimes a little dismissive. because i’ve had some really bad periods in my mental health, if i’m feeling shitty but i can still function, she says that it’s better than how it was before so i’ll be fine. she’s asked to speak to me alone before, but my mother read all the notes from the session.

my mother is fine, she’s kind of overbearing, and she gets upset with me about random things sometimes (such as the one time i took some q tips out of her bathroom even though she told me to), and then gives me the silent treatment for about a week, but that’s the worst thing she does now. the rest of the time she’s pretty nice, and always wants to hang out with me or watch movies with me. i usually don’t want to because i feel like i’m walking on eggshells around her a lot of the time. she goes from being really happy and nice to really upset very quickly with almost no notice. my parents are in the middle of getting a divorce, but we still all live in the same house, which is really weird, especially because it has been 2 years.

my ex did tell me that, after i broke up with her because of the assault. i got a message from one of her friends who told me that she had been cheating on me, and he showed me photos of her with other girls. i confronted her about it, and she said she wouldn’t have done it if i wasn’t the way i am, and if she could have just “fucked me without having to stop every 10 seconds”. i cut her off completely after that.

[Sofi]

Hi enberries, I wanted to chime in as someone with the same type of ADHD and who also had similar issues for many years.

First of all, I am so sorry about what your ex said. That's really messed up and honestly just cruel. I hope you know when people say mean things, it's always a projection of what they're feeling rather than a reflection of us - in this case, she couldn't be patient enough to enjoy sex with you, but that's HER problem, not yours. There isn't anything wrong with you and the right people will not mind that you have to take things at a different pace. Also, once you're with someone you actually fully trust and feel safe and comfortable with, who you know doesn't judge or care about this stuff, the problem will not be a problem anymore. What I mean by that is it'll become more of a natural part of sex, where you're both aware you might need a specific environment and the right mood and still might have to take breaks every so often, but that'll be okay and it won't be an issue.

That brings me to my second point...I see you already tried to play around with different sensory environments, which is great, I definitely suggest you keep trying different ones to find what works best. Also, sometimes some days you'll need music or white noise or TV in the background and sometimes you will need silence, for example. But I wanted to mention that your mood and general state of mind can significantly alter the experience, especially for us with ADHD. Since we have a harder time processing and regulating emotions, as well as clearing our mind, if we're not relax and we've got something in our mind we're working through, it can be really hard to get into the headspace we need to be in to just enjoy sex without constantly getting distracted and such. This means we often need more of a warmup, which is not really the same as what people call "foreplay", but it can be. It can also be anything that relaxes you and helps you connect with your partner - a nice deep conversation, a long walk together, a hot bath or shower, playing a game together - really anything that works for you to get you into a relaxed headspace. Think of it more as a transition activity (transitions are also something ADHDers struggle with).

Of course, this isn't too helpful when talking about casual hookups, because often we don't have time or space for that and it just kind of happens. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for people with ADHD to prefer sex with someone they at least know, even if it's not a romantic relationship, than with someone they just met or don't know as well. When you're in a relationship, or even have a friend or person you hook up with regularly, your partner should be understanding of your needs around sex, including the transition time you might need. I know this can sound like an inconvenience but it really isn't much of one at all once you're with someone who gets it. And of course, the same applies for solo sex, as it might take some transition activity to get in the right headspace to masturbate.

Regarding your mom, I just wanted to echo Latha here and say it's not okay for her to sit in on your psychiatry appointments and on top of that, read the notes from your private ones. Have you ever expressed discomfort with this or asked her to let you have some privacy around this? How did she react, or how do you think she would if you bring it up?