How do I (legally/ethically) get aroused as a minor?

[UsernameTaken]

Hi!
So, as the crazily subtle title suggests, I'm wondering how I (14M) can get aroused, without breaking any UK laws or looking at things I shouldn't.
In the past I looked at images and read some spicy stuff, but it always made me feel really guilty and I always ended up telling my parents.
They're really sex-positive and we have lots of convos about that, but obviously it's not the easiest or the most comfortable thing in the world to go up to your mum or dad and say "Hey, I read [...]".
not the greatest.
I've seen people my age (on the boards) talking about porn and audio erotica and stuff like that - a) porn disgusts me and b) I REALLY want to try something like it out (like every other teen ever lol).
The stuff I've consumed always worked for me, and made things feel better as well (i assume bc i was more aroused) but even small stuff like reading spicy quora or reddit threads makes me feel guilty as HECK.
I guess its because my parents said TO MY FACE that it's not the right time for me to watch/read that stuff, so it feels like I'm breaking their trust? idk.
from reading the boards i lowkey feel like im the only one in this situation even though I know im not. god i hate this kinda stuff.
Also, porn is now illegal for minors in the UK (as it should be) so this makes me feel even more guilty.
so a) am i the only one in this situation, b) am i weird for wanting to look at this stuff (i feel weird) and c) is there any other option for me? (i think i respond best to stories probably but everything i look at makes me feel icky afterwards)
HELP im sorry if this is not understandable this came out as a jumble.
thanks!!!!

[Heather]

Hi there.

So, sexual material is not criminalized FOR young people in the UK (or elsewhere), just to be clear. In other words, the new policies are all policies aimed towards people making, distributing and promoting that content, not for young people who may see it. Here's a good explainer for that if you'd like: https://www.gov.uk/government/news/keep ... -explained (And by all means, I do not think young people should be criminalized for looking at sexual material, so thank goodness it's not as it sounds like you think it is.)

I say this because feeling guilty or ashamed is never a good basis for figuring out what our best choices are about anything, porn or other sexual issues very much included. We make our best decisions from a place of feeling good about ourselves, not bad about ourselves. And fear certainly has never helped anyone make their best choices.

It's not weird to be young and curious about sex or sexual material: it's incredibly common and always has been incredibly common. It's also not weird to feel bad or conflicted about it: it's complex, especially given how much sexual material isn't made or distributed ethically, is only focused on profit, doesn't show sexually healthy dynamics, or is sexist, racist or otherwise rife with bigotry or tokenism.

It's clear that for now, looking for or at it doesn't leave you feeling good about yourself when you seek out sexual material, so yes, by all means you have other options if you'd like to see how doing this differently feels. Loads of people, now and historically, no matter their age, use their own imaginations when it comes to sexual fantasy: there's really nothing that could be made into media that can't exist inside our own heads and be just as vivid, if not more vivid. You also have the option of writing down what you're imagining if you want to have sexual material to reference, but don't want it to be something that was made by someone else. And later in life, if you choose sexual partners, you'll likely find as many people do that your feelings about and desires for your partner, and the sexual experiences you have with them, arouse all by themselves.

Why don't you give yourself a few weeks to try and explore your own erotic imagination for a while and see if that's something that leaves you feeling better?

[Heather]

Just FYI, UsernameTaken, by any chance, have you made and are you using another account besides this one? I ask because this post feels very similar to what was asked here just a little while ago: viewtopic.php?t=15824

If you do have more than one account here, a reminder that as our user agreement makes clear, that's not okay to do here. On the other hand, if this isn't you, you might want to go ahead and pop into that thread, since you two seem to be struggling with similar things, so can perhaps help each other work it through.

[Canuck57]

Hi! This is Canuck57! Different people, sorry for confusion. (I live in Canada.)

[UsernameTaken]

Thanks Canuck lol

[Heather]

Thanks for clearing that up, Canuck! Since you’re here, maybe you two can help each other out some in this thread since you’re in such a nearly identical spot.

[Canuck57]

I’d love to if you’re comfortable with that, UsernameTaken!

[UsernameTaken]

Sure, I'm happy!

[Canuck57]

First of all, sorry it took me so long to reply; I was pretty busy. I want to second what Heather said about writing your own smut. I wrote my own smut for a few weeks, and it helped my fantasies become much more immersive and creative. Now, I don’t need my smut book, because my fantasies can do the job better and more variably. Just a thought from my experiences.

[UsernameTaken]

(And by all means, I do not think young people should be criminalized for looking at sexual material, so thank goodness it's not as it sounds like you think it is.)

Really? So it isn't criminalised, that's new info for me, thanks!
I'm curious on why you think that though - in my view based on what I've heard, sexual material depicts things that teenagers aren't ready to see/gives them the wrong idea about sex etc - the law would be there to help protect us, no?

You also have the option of writing down what you're imagining if you want to have sexual material to reference, but don't want it to be something that was made by someone else.

Yeah, Canuck you're saying this as well - thing is, I've tried and still do try. This is where it gets a bit strange; I want to read other people's material (partly because I have NO idea how sex works/looks/feels because I've barely ever consumed this kind of material) but I feel guilty afterwards but only sometimes when I'm like talking to my mum or something, like I betrayed her trust. I've got such a complex mix of feelings about this that I don't even know what to do, let alone how to explain it to someone else!!!

I guess I can boil the question down to, is it normal or more importantly HEALTHY to look at this kind of stuff? That's the main thing I need to know I think, I'll probably base my decisions on that answer.

it's complex, especially given how much sexual material isn't made or distributed ethically, is only focused on profit, doesn't show sexually healthy dynamics, or is sexist, racist or otherwise rife with bigotry or tokenism.

And if the answer is "it depends on what material you consume", where do I find material that isn't like that?

Canuck you seem to have decided porn is right for you, do you ever have the sort of like inner conflict that I do? Also you said you're ace, so if you don't mind me asking, why do you even enjoy watching porn in the first place?

This is about all I can think of for the moment, sorry for the massive brain dump! I appreciate all the replies from everyone, it's really helping me work through this
Thanks

[lilikoi]

Hey there UsernameTaken,

Heather is out of the office for today but I will let them know that you had a question about their perspective! In the interim, I can offer my two cents and an article from our main site which explains Scarleteen's approach to sexual realities of adolescence.

In my opinion, when minors seek out sexual material, it is caused by a natural developmental curiosity. Combine curiosity + insufficient sexual education + a culture of shame in the UK and US related to sex, and minors are bound to source information about sex from places where they can access it easily.

This is not a failing of their better judgment. It is a failing of a system to effectively support sexual development. For that reason, I think it is unethical to criminalize consumption of sexual material by minors. I would say too that children can digest most information with supportive guardrails and contextual explanations. Exposure alone is not as dangerous as the interpretation of images that children end up taking on alone. That's why, it's not a child's fault for mistaking sexual material as a realistic depiction of sex.

To answer your main question, it is absolutely normal to look for information about sex. Puberty does a load on us humans and one of the things it does is produce a massive amount of hormones which create arousal and desire. Humans are programmed to follow those signals. I wonder what your parents meant by saying that you aren't ready.

Generally in education, it is useful to follow a child's lead on these kinds of topics. If you are wondering what sex looks like, you might be ready for that information. That being said, the internet is an unreliable source of 1) accurate information, and 2) safe engagement. A quora or reddit thread could provide information about sex that you had not been considering and are naturally uninterested in.

Because of age of consent laws and laws restricting sexual material for minors, there is not a database of content to direct you towards. I would argue that even once you come of age, it can be hard to find sexual material that is healthy to consume considering all of the unethical, profit based, misogynistic, bigoted content out there. In the meantime, maybe educating yourself on sex using websites like ours could help you wrap your head around how sex "works/looks/feels". I'll link some of our articles below!

How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms
With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
What's Sex?
Oral sex, manual sex, anal sex...what's it all mean, jellybean?

[Canuck57]

So, I haven’t decided if porn is right for me or not yet, but when I began writing smut, I felt really guilty and embarrassed, so I know how you feel, though not to the same extent.

I enjoy erotica because I identify as aegosexual. I don’t know how to ember a link on a phone, so here’s the page for aegosexuality. Asexuality is just the lack of sexual attraction (or irregular sexual attraction) and not inherently a lack of desire for arousal.
https://orientation.fandom.com/wiki/Aegosexual
Here’s a link for some of the asexual identities. https://lgbtqia.fandom.com/wiki/Asexual_spectrum

[UsernameTaken]

I enjoy erotica because I identify as aegosexual.Asexuality is just the lack of sexual attraction (or irregular sexual attraction) and not inherently a lack of desire for arousal.

Ok, thanks a lot for that

laws restricting sexual material for minors

im sorry, im a bit confused now because

So, sexual material is not criminalized FOR young people in the UK (or elsewhere), just to be clear.

I'm fairly sure it's legal for one to consume literature, correct me if I'm wrong here anyone please

I would argue that even once you come of age, it can be hard to find sexual material that is healthy to consume considering all of the unethical, profit based, misogynistic, bigoted content out there.

Ok I see your point, but I'm mainly interested in erotic literature atp, and that can't be profit-driven because half of it is free right? Anyway I think I'm mature enough to know when material gets misogynistic or the like.

In essence, I know I want to read smut. It's just me working through my feelings of guilt surrounding me reading said smut that I'm trying now, and the legal and moral issues around that are probably the main things to work through.

Along with getting that out of the way, does anyone have any tips for dealing with guilt once it hits? It's weird, I know I like and want the material, but my guilt mechanism (?) works against me, like a sudden weight in my stomach.
How can I get better when that happens? (Not strictly related but kinda so I thought I'd ask)

Thanks again for everything!

[Becky]

Hey UsernameTaken!

Are you able to pinpoint where this guilt is coming from? I think you mentioned earlier that you feel like you're betraying your mom's trust... has she ever given you a reason to think she wouldn't want you exploring sexuality or sexual material?

Besides that, unfortunately I think it will just be a matter of time and being patient with yourself. Whenever you are feeling guilty for engaging with erotica, just remind yourself that it is perfectly normal to be interested in sex and romance and that you're not doing anything wrong. No one is being harmed by you enjoying some erotica, I promise. And over time, as you give yourself permission to enjoy something that brings you pleasure, the guilt should dissipate.

[UsernameTaken]

Hey UsernameTaken!

Are you able to pinpoint where this guilt is coming from? I think you mentioned earlier that you feel like you're betraying your mom's trust... has she ever given you a reason to think she wouldn't want you exploring sexuality or sexual material?

Unfortunately, no on both counts! I've genuinely got no idea where exactly it's coming from, the trust thing was an attempt to pin it down ig? On the contrary, my mum is (luckily) very open about sex, but I definitely don't like the idea of talking to her - that's on me, not her.

just remind yourself that it is perfectly normal to be interested in sex and romance and that you're not doing anything wrong.

I know, but whenever I try that, I'll get something like "you're still only 14, you shouldn't be doing it" or "just because everyone else does it doesn't mean you should". Technically valid points!

I think I probably will just have to be patient, thanks so much to everyone who's replied to this thread!

[Canuck57]

As for the guilt, it might come with time. I felt guilty every time I engaged with new sexual material, be it for educational or recreational purposes. It’s hard, but it gets easier every time.