im scared (a little) of having sex again

[superdino]

hi! I (f 17) have not had sex for over a year now. well, to start from the beginning, I have been sexually active since I was 14, and my first time was with my ex girlfriend of 2 years. we broke up sept 2024, and since then I hooked up with one person (which was very casual). however, I have been recently talking to a new girl who i am pretty much head over heels for. the fact that im even typing this is kinda crazy, bc i swore I wouldn't let myself go through that again (lol). we have been talking since January. we have made out quite a lot and occasionally we have some kinky texting going back and forth, which is pretty much very satisfying for me. I feel like we will have sex in the near future, and while im very appalled by this idea I am also kinda nervous. I have been taking an antidepressant that makes it very hard for me to have an orgasm, sometimes it takes over one hour for me to get there when masturbating. I forgot to mention that I am also the first girl she ever dated/been with, all her previous relationships were with men. I am scared that she will think she is not being good enough, or get tired by the time it takes me to orgasm. I am also nervous (this is a little irrational, I know) that I forgot how to have sex and make someone feel good without being self-conscious about it.
all of this worrying is kinda stupid because I do feel pretty comfortable with her, i enjoyed everything we did until now, and we r both experienced (in different fields but still).

[superdino]

a quick add to that is: maybe im scared because I have the feeling that I am the one that has the obligation to guide/help her ?
I am autistic, and in sexual settings I have a hard time communicating (saying if the person is doing it right, if im liking it etc), and she knows that bc we talked about it. it's nothing serious, just a thing that I have and im okay with that, sexual estimulation gets me overwhelmed in a good way, and not being able to fully express is a consequence of that. Regardless, I feel like maybe I am scared of it because deep inside I have the feeling that I am supposed to be the one guiding her when we have sex, because I am more experienced, and because she never had sex with a girl before. but I also know that I won't be able to do that when the time comes.

[char]

Hi superdino, welcome to the boards! I'm glad to hear that you are in a relationship that seems to bring you joy and pleasure. Your worries are completely understandable; it must be nerve-wracking to start having in-person sex with someone else after a long time of not doing it. Has your girlfriend shown explicit interest in having in-person sex with you recently, or is this more of a conclusion you've come up with after a while? I feel like that can help with how we can work this out.

You've mentioned that your girlfriend is "experienced in different fields"; how much has she shared what she's done with you? Also, has she mentioned her own concerns when it comes to having sex with women?

[superdino]

tysm for your answer! now that im reading my message again, i feel like i shared a lot of info at once, lol. i will try to tackle what you mentioned in your reply.

You've mentioned that your girlfriend is "experienced in different fields"; how much has she shared what she's done with you?

i think the main thing about "different fields" is the fact that she had sex with a man. however, she mentioned that she lost her virginity, and while they were in a relationship she was never able to reach an orgasm with him. he also never ate her out, which is something that she mentioned that she wants to try.

Also, has she mentioned her own concerns when it comes to having sex with women?

she never explicitly mentioned it. to be very honest, she seems quite confident for someone that never have been in a wlw relationship prior. there was only one time that she mentioned that she "had to study it," which was a joke, she was referring to the fact that she would like to read more about lesbian sex (not by smut but informational content)/understand more about it.

[Anya]

Hey superdino,

I think there's this really big misconception going around that if you start having sex with someone who has similar genitals to you, that you magically know what to do, and more specifically, know what they like. In reality, everyone is truly so different and the only way to get more comfortable, experience more pleasure, and hit the right spots haha is to just start trying things with your partner.

ALSO it really helps to talk about it. I know so many people say it takes them out of the moment to communicate and tell your partner what you like and don't like, but it's really the best way to learn, either during , before, or after engaging in sex.

Thinking of new experiences, especially when they involve new genders and bodies, like just getting to know another body you haven't been in too much contact with I think helps a lot with nerves and stress about "getting it right." Because no matter how much sex you've had and how many things under the sun you've tried, you've still never tried them with your current partner, so really who's to know what they're going to like? Does that make sense? And is this mindset something you could bring up to your partner?

[superdino]

I think there's this really big misconception going around that if you start having sex with someone who has similar genitals to you, that you magically know what to do, and more specifically, know what they like.

yes! i totally agree with that. all bodies are different and i know me and her will have to find out what works for us, after all thats the exciting part.

Does that make sense? And is this mindset something you could bring up to your partner?

that makes sense. i believe it is something that can be brought up. especially because i personally like to set boundaries before engaging in the act, the reason for that is what i mentioned earlier, the fact that im on the spectrum. being on the spectrum + having the thing with the antidepressants just makes me really nervous to let somebody know me like that again, and the fear that i will make her feel like shes not doing a good job.

[Anya]

Hi superdino,

Yeah that makes a lot of sense. It's totally understandable, that feeling of fear and nervousness to let a partner into that vulnerable part of ourselves. Would you like any help identifying ways to ease this process at all or thinking through how further conversations might go?