i’m scared to lose my virginity

[deanandhisblnt]

hi,

i’m 17 which i kinda feel is too old to be feeling scared over stuff like this so it’s a bit embarrassing. i’ve never had anything up my vagina before and i’ve never really wanted it. now i’m in a really cool relationship with a loving boyfriend and i want us to go further. all of my friends have lost theirs already and they were all already friends when they met me so when they asked if i’d had my first time i kinda choked under the pressure and lied so i can’t really ask them for advice on this </3.

i’ve tried fingering myself just to break my hymen so it’s not as bad when my boyfriend and i decide to do it, but i can’t even make it to my knuckle before i feel this like pressure and kinda chicken out.

if anyone knows how i can get out of my head about this or any advice that can help, please lmk!!

[Latha]

Hello and welcome to the boards, Deanandhisblnt!

I'm hearing that you are interested in trying vaginal insertion. We'd be happy to advise on what could make that easier for you.

The first thing that comes to mind is that you really have nothing to feel embarrassed about. There is no age when you are not allowed to be new to something, and there is no age where you are too old to ask for help or reassurance. It might not seem like it because of your experiences with your friend group. but it is very common for people to start having sex when they are older than you are, and people have sexual firsts of some kind or another throughout life.

When you say, "so it’s not as bad when my boyfriend and i decide to do it", it sounds a bit like you are expecting pain or a lot of discomfort. I'd hope that is not the case, because pain isn't something that you have to bear to get to the good parts of sex. Rather, it is a sign from your body that something isn't quite right and needs to change. It is possible to have sex without pain or much discomfort, even during the first time. Paying attention to those signs and adjusting till you feel better will make that easier.

I'm curious about the pressure you've noticed. What is scary about it? I wouldn't recommend pushing it if the sensation is just too uncomfortable, but what do you think it could help to try insertion on your own again, and see if the pressure gets less overwhelming once it is more familiar?

[deanandhisblnt]

hi, thank you for replying!!

i know breaking the hymen can be painful and uncomfortable i think because you basically have to tear the thin tissue in order to have sex, so i’m aware it may be just a bit uncomfortable, but i also know that the size of what is going in also matters and have heard it feels like being “torn apart” which kinda just added to my fears lol.

i think because i know im to expect discomfort that’s what scares me when i try the insertion myself, the action itself doesn’t hurt just a sort of tug behind my belly button. i’d like to try again but i’ve just been so scared for so long that the hymen breaking will be so uncomfortable and my experience will be one of those where the pain level is very bad.

[lilikoi]

Hi deanandhisblnt,

Thanks for writing in!

Have you taken a look at our article about the hymen/corona? It has great information about the anatomy you're describing!

My Corona: The Hymen & the Myths That Surround It

To avoid a very bad pain level, you can take your time during sex, allow time to breathe, and make sure you are very aroused, and make sure you are sufficiently lubricated. When there's a partner involved, there should be consistent communication about what feels good and what isn't feeling good. If all of that is squared away and you are still worried about pain, you could grade up slowly. A way to grade insertion would be for you to insert your finger yourself on your own, then you could try inserting your finger with your partner there, then you could try having your partner insert a finger, then you could do two fingers, then you could insert a penis.

Does this help you feel better?

[deanandhisblnt]

hi!

after reading the article you recommended it did help to clear some misconceptions i had and i think this makes me feel a bit better. i think i’ll be more confident in trying again soon with the advice you’ve given with the grading, thank you!