I'm extremely confused by my gender and I've been for a while

[azure]

Hi, so. I've been reading posts on here for a while, but this is my first time actually speaking up about my experience. I'll try to word this the best I can, but english isn't my first language so I apologize if something I say seems clumsy

To begin, I just want to say that I've known for a while that I'm queer. I come from a very close minded family, who doesn't support any kind of queer identity so I had to learn pretty fast to hide it. I identified as pan in the beginning, and then 3 full years of being a lesbian. I knew i liked girls in a way, the problem was, did I like boys?

So during this whole time, I was pretty confident as a cis lesbian. Then I started to discover more about the community. Demigirl, nonbinary, genderfluid.. I tried all of those identities, while always keeping a feminine aspect (with my pronouns for example, it was always she/they both or one of these).

And then I don't know, something just clicked. It was a really weird period of my life. I was very stressed at the time, and adding to that, I was asking myself, "what if I'm actually a boy?"

The thought just seemed revolting to me. After all of these years of rejecting boys, I was considering being one myself? Eventually, I identified as a trans boy for a year in 2024/25. (With weird on and off phases where i didn't really know). I had a really bad breakdown where I confused my parents by cutting my long hair super short (I still have them short now, and I still enjoy being mistaken as a boy from time to time)

I had a boyfriend at some point, and I found myself happy being in a mlm relationship. Eventually it ended and somehow I felt even worse after. Months later I'm in another relationship, and this time wlw (I still was hesitant about my gender, but I ended up identifying as sapphic again). And it felt less great than when I considered myself a boy.

The thing is that, I like when people use he/him on me, or they/them (but in my language, they is not socially accepted at all so that makes it either she or he). I'm also very sure I like girls, but I can only be romantically attracted to them. I'm not turned on by any sexual activity I could have with them, which should be an issue if I'm a lesbian since I can picture sexual activities with a boy. But I can only picture it with a boy if I'm a boy myself. As a girl I'd just feel uncomfortable.

I love makeup, and I wouldn't say that I enjoy dressing feminine but I like some aspects. But once again, with my family, I can't fully dress how I'd like to be, and I think I prefer "masc" clothing. I don't think I would want to go through any medical surgery to change my body, but I'm still uncomfortable with my chest from time to time and I experience gender dysphoria.

I don't know if this is relevant, but I'm a maladaptive daydreamer and when I imagine things, I never picture myself as a girl. It can be something that I don't know how to describe, or a boy. I've had multiple dreams where I was a boy and I found myself drawn to every single one.

Which brings me back to this constant questioning. Am I trans even if I don't feel the need to medically transition? Or is this just gender envy? I know I'm probably not genderfluid/demigender cause I tried it already and it doesn't feel like me. Adding to that, I'm becoming an adult soon and with my family the situation is even more stressful to me because I can't talk to anyone about this. I have friends online, but as an individual I don't like opening up and I don't know how to explain my feelings without writing endlessly (as you can see)

It seems like such a non issue now that I'm writing it but really, it makes me so anxious. I love being a woman, a feminist, loving girly things. But at the same time, sometimes it just makes me feels so empty to be one. And when i identified as a trans boy, I found myself missing that part of me, even if I was really happy. I liked loving women as a sapphic woman. But I know I'm not a woman (or entirely sapphic for that matter. That's a discussion for another time but I also feel disconnected from other identifies as someone who's been in the lesbian community for a while, and who found comfort in it). Being a boy would mean leaving this behind and it's so scary.

The fact that I know I can't really be myself with my family is even worse. Is it even worth it to ruin my days by worrying about this, knowing damn well that one day I'll have to let go and be "normal" for my family? I wish I could've been. I love them very much, I wish they understood.

I should let go of labels, but I crave to be labelled. I feel safer that way. There's some moments where I try to convince myself that I am cis, with my irl friends for example. They're all straight and cis, so I try to be like them. But there's always something to remind me that I'm not quite like them.

[Sofi]

Hi azure, welcome to the boards!

I'm sorry this has caused so much anxiety for you. I understand why, and it's valid. From what I'm reading, it sounds like you enjoy both being a [trans] boy who dates boys, and also a girl who dates girls, but not really much else in between. Is that right?

I noticed you said you tried the genderfluid identity and it didn't feel like you. Can you tell me more about that? I ask because it's not rare for folks who feel similarly to you to use that label and have a different gender day by day (as well as decide their gender expression for that day). Since some times you feel like a girl and like girly things, but other times you feel better as a boy, could this be something you can explore more?

Believe it or not, a lot of people wouldn't mind their partner not having one specific gender identity, and maybe even if your partner is also genderfluid or similar, you could sort of get the best of all worlds. I mention that to give you some hope that it doesn't have to be all or nothing and that you can definitely find a relationship that fits your wants. There's not really a need to fit into one box when it comes to gender and sexuality, which I'm sure you know, but I just wanted to reiterate. This is your journey and you're allowed to use whatever label you want (or none), and that label is allowed to change over time as much or whenever you want it to. If you sit with that for a moment and let it really sink it...how does it feel?

[azure]

Hi Sofi, thanks a lot for taking the time to reply to me!

I definitely don't think I fit in one box with my gender. That's maybe why I'm not exactly satisfied by saying genderfluid?

I feel like it's not exactly me because I'm not one gender everyday, I think. In my opinion I feel it more as something that's "everything or nothing", if you know what I mean. I could be both at the same time, but somehow every time I try to settle with a label it doesn't fit for some reason. Maybe it's just me being picky, or I don't really understand the labels to their extent, I don't know.

I guess one thing that doesn't really help is that I tie my gender and sexuality together when trying to figure it out. I know I probably shouldn't, but it's hard not to. I don't want to have a "confusing" gender but at the same time I feel like it is very complicated..

Being in between feels weird to me, because I've always pictured things kind of in black and white (girl/boy). And this peace I had with myself kind of got troubled once I figured out I wasn't exactly cis. That's probably biased and a bit of internalized homophobia talking but I didn't want to believe it so I tried to ignore it by switching to "simple" labels to be socially accepted. (I hope this doesn't come off as offensive, I promise it's absolutely not my intention, I'm trying to put my experiences into words.)

Adding to that, despite how fem I present, I always feel more comfortable when being addressed with masc terms. So I like to present fem sometimes, masc sometimes but I'd rather be described masc, no matter how I'm presenting for the day. Maybe not entirely a boy, but masc nonetheless.

I hope this kind of makes sense, I can explain further if you need

[Heather]

Hi there, azure: just offering up something small for you in case it hits for you. Once upon a time we had a volunteer here whose gender experience sounded a lot like yours, and they called themselves "genderfree." Not sure if something more liek that feels like a good for for you, but just thought I'd put it out there in case.

[azure]

Hello Heather! I appreciate you sharing this with me. That does sound pretty good. I guess the concept of not being anything is kind of what I'm looking for, despite also wanting a specific label. I don't know if that's what I am but I'll think about it, thank you!

[Sofi]

I'm so glad the term Heather shared resonates with you! Take some time to let that sit and see how it feels. We're here if you want/need to come back and discuss this further at any time <3

[darkingbog]

hi azure,

i read through these posts yesterday and felt like adding a few ideas. thank you for sharing your story here. you seem really cool!
i also struggle to explain myself without using a lot of words, so you're not alone in that.

i get that youre saying that you want the reasurance of having a "simple gender." i would invite you to explore if you might be able to find that same reassurance in accepting that your feelings about your gender might not always stay the same. kind of like: "my gender is my gender and i'm okay with defining it when it feels right and not forcing myself to define it when i'm not sure." does that make any sense? also, i think there's an article on here about being unlabeled (i'm not sure if i've read it,) if that's something you're interested in.

i personally know people who are genderfluid who don't describe themselves as having a gender that is different every single day when waking up. genderfluid can be like your gender changing or shifting every once in awhile, or having a gender that depends or who you're dating, etc... your identity doesn't have to be exactly like the definitions that you'll see online, because in truth, it's mostly for you, not others.

finally, many trans people don't want to go through surgery or go on hormones! you can be trans and not want to medically transition.

[Heather]

What a wonderful addition, darkingbog. Thanks for helping out. <3

[darkingbog]

of course, heather! it's actually been quite fulfilling to be active on these boards, forum-style communication is fun!

[Heather]

I love when people have that experience. . Yay!