im 18 and i have a very weird relationship w sex

[bolacha]

Hello, as i said in the subject, im a 18 year old queer girl, and ever since i remember i have had these weird feelings about sexuality that even caused me to develop vaginismus. I am fat and i was severely bullied in my childhood, ive always hated that i like girls, a feeling that im disgusting has stuck w me forever. But ever since i've been touching these subjects w my therapist i have realized that maybe this is all to do w me being fat. I cant even talk about sex in my mother language, i start crying, i get embarassed, ashamed. I have a big libido and i masturbate frequently but my fantasies and my desire for people sexually makes me feel immense guilt and sometimes i even stop myself to cry. I have never done anything, not even a kiss, it's been a tough journey trying to get comfortable w the fact that i am a sexual being and i desire sex and pleasure and intimacy. Even writing this im almost crying. I think it all has to do with my body and me as a person, i love that other people can live their sexuality freely, but i feel this awful guilt because i look like this and i don't deserve (?) and won't experience any sexual interaction. I guess what i want by this post is to ask someone more knowledgeable abt sexology what i should do to get better, what can i do to feel more comfortable with my body sexually and to be able to talk and think about it.
I'm also using this opportunity to ask: there is a bondage studio in my city, they do bdsm workshops and talks and rope jams, i have been wanting to go but i'm scared because i'm just 18 and i have this body and a virgin, im scared everyone will look at me weird for being so young and i feel promiscious and ashamed, even if it's just for the talks. Is it weird for me to go?
thank u in advance for reading, this website is amazing

[Sofi]

Hi there, welcome to the boards! I'm glad you found us and have been enjoying our site. <3

I'll start with addressing your concern about attending the bondage studio. Since you're an adult now, assuming the studio is 18+ so you're of age to attend, I don't see any reason you shouldn't. Being fat or not having had partnered sex yet have nothing to do with enjoying bondage and there's nothing weird about you going. If it's something that interests you, I say give it a try! It honestly might be super empowering and a game changer in a lot of the feelings you're expressing here. Finding a space where you can explore sexual interests without pressure is actually one of the things I'd recommend here, so this could be perfect.

Now for the rest of your post... I'm so sorry you were bullied as a kid and that you feel you're disgusting. That makes me so sad to hear, as someone who was also bullied as a kid. It's not fair and not okay. The good thing is that as we get older we can process it and heal from it, and we get to decide who we want to be and how we want to see ourselves. It's not an overnight or super easy process, but it's definitely possible to change your self image and raise your confidence in yourself. We would be happy to talk to you through this, and if you are able to talk to a mental health professional too, that would be even better.

It's so unfortunate that society has made it seem like people in fat bodies are less sexy, or less desired, or even worse - less deserving of love and pleasure. None of this is true and in real life, tons of people either don't care what their partner's body looks like or even prefer a larger body. Fat people experience love and pleasure just as much as everyone else, because we all deserve that and what our body looks like doesn't affect who we are inside, which is what attracts any decent partner anyway. While most media doesn't portray sexuality in a range of body types, the fact is that media isn't real life, and not only slim white women and muscular white men are having and enjoying sex. But I know it can be tough not finding the representation we deserve.

We have a ton of articles on this on our site, so I'll send you a few to get started. They might bring a lot of these feelings up, so please take your time and give yourself grace (it's okay to cry, there's nothing wrong with it!) Read through them and let me know if they resonate and what questions come up/what you want to discuss from them. I'd love to hear your thoughts <3
The Confidence of Fat Sexuality: An interview with sex educator Elle Chase
Navigating Sexuality as a Fat Teen
Flirting While Fat: Learning to Take Up Space in Love and Lust

[bolacha]

Hi Sofi! Thank you so much for the reply, i really appreciate everything you said, i definitely feel more confident about going to one session and trying it out. Also thaaaaaaank u for the links, I can't wait to check them out, i have never seen this talked about online so it really is very important to me and I'm sure they'll at least make me feel a bit more seen.
Grateful and i hope you're having a nice day <3

[Sofi]

I'm so glad it was helpful, and totally agree this isn't talked about much, but it's one of the many topics we want to make sure we cover so people can feel included here. We have some more pieces, so if after you've read the ones I sent you want to check some more out, let me know. Happy to send a few more over. <3