oh no now I don't know what to do

[random-rat]

I said smth kinda similar in this same topic but i feel like I should probably make a new one bcs this is a new issue. (goddddd I feel so bad with how many questions I have but I don't have many ppl to talk about this with so)

anyways exactly 32 days ago I got this girls number. shes in the grade below me (I'm one of the youngest in the grade so me and her are only 10 months apart). her friends brought her up to me and said she wanted to be my friend due to shared interests. anyways I've been texting her and seeing her at the end of the day in the car rider line ever since. it was clear with the way her friends are that she liked me and I liked her too. anyways, then it was spring break and she said she was going on vacation as I was packing for my own vacation. turns out we were going TO THE SAME CITY ON THE SAME DAYS. yes we ran into each other and I can guarantee our parents meeting each other felt different. and with parents, it also felt different how my mom was hesitant of me getting to know her. she gave me this '90 day rule' thing to 'see her true intentions' and I googled it and it was a ROMANCE tip. very weird. anyways my parents monitor my phone so my bff got her number and basically became my wingman. yesterday me and my wingman called her and I ended up confessing... and then she sent a poem she wrote WRITTEN IN ITALIAN (I'm obviously fluent in English and express my emotions well but Italian always just feels more emotional for me) and she said "TI AMO" in it (ti amo is reserved for romantic love, ti voglio bene is for family/friends) so she basically said she loves me and learned my language for me. anyways I'm super confused on what to do now, I wanna date her but both our parents would kill us. I'm out to my bffs mom and friend group (and crush ofc) and that's all I'm planning. plus me and her both have social anxiety and I have selective mutism to add to it, so its hard for us to talk sometimes. I don't know what to do. I know we're young but these feelings are real

[mikky]

Hey random-rat,

First of all, please don’t feel bad about having a lot of things to say here. That is exactly what we are here for, and we want to be able to support you!

I don’t think that being young negates how real feelings are (see:
Love Letter). It sounds like this person has been a really bright spot in your life and I think her writing you a poem in Italian is such a sweet and kind way to connect! It’s also a great example of communicating in a creative way when you both have anxiety. You’ve flagged a concern about the difficulty of talking at a really good time. Being aware of that challenge could be very helpful in building a connection where you are able to adapt to one another’s needs to communicate.

It doesn’t seem like your parents are very supportive of you right now from all our conversations here, and I do wonder about what dating someone would ideally look like for you right now and whether your parents would need to be involved at all. I am curious about this “90 day rule,” I’ve only heard of this in the context of waiting 90 days of dating to have sex (which, by the way, will not "reveal someone’s true intentions"), but wondering how your mom phrased it and whether you feel like that is something you wanted to listen to/follow?

What would you like a relationship/dating to look like right now?

[random-rat]

how my mom explained it was 90 days will be done with the "honeymoon phase" and by then you don't see the person through a "rose colored lense" and smth about them not being fake idk

but I truly want to go on a date with her. we could have it to where my bff's mom (who knows and says we're rlly cute together) and my bff like drive us then leave us or smth. but since our moms are friends I don't want it to feel like she has to hide things or see my mom as a villian

I don't want my parents involved either (and shes the same way about hers) or even to know but idk if that's even healthy

and also that article is smth I've been really looking for so thanks

[mikky]

Haha, what interesting “friendship advice”... it doesn’t seem like you are taking that one too seriously, but I will say that with any type of relationship, we do tend to get more information and clarity on who people are and how we feel about them with time, but I don’t think we need to be cautious or on guard about people being fake or untrustworthy like that unless they’ve shown us reasons for concern.

Have you talked to your bff’s mom about what her comfort is around knowing things that your mom doesn’t? I know she’s been cool with you being out to her and not to your parents, but I wonder whether she feels like she needs to hide things. I also wonder if she might be someone who can help your mom understand you better and maybe help your mom be more accepting/supportive?

I was in a relationship that was a secret from both my ex’s parents and my own, for a surprisingly long time, when I was in high school. It felt necessary at the time, but it was really hard on us both emotionally. It meant that we were always sneaking/hiding, which set up a norm that wasn’t healthy. It meant always panicking about texts and who saw us together and just a constant buzz of anxiety. It meant that when we got caught making out (cuz of course we did), we were absolutely terrified, their parents were furious and confused, and it took years of getting to know them better for them to feel trusting of me. I recommend you check out this article: When Worlds Collide: Dating and Dealing With Parents and reflect a bit on it. I will say, as well, that having parents involved and having parents generally aware can be quite different.

One more article I want to share:
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

[random-rat]

I talked to my bff's mom and shes talked to my mom before about those topics and shes dead set on the ideas that identifying as anything at my age isnt right and we aren't supposed to 'choose yet'. and she also said my mom is probably suspecting me of liking girls but thinks its 'just a phase'

I genuinely don't even think my parents would take it seriously if I was open about it to them. keeping a relationship secret is a horrible idea, yet I don't know what else I'd do. not pursuing this girl doesn't feel like an option.

[Heather]

I'm really sorry to hear that. I wish that your mom would realize that stating what your identity is right now is not "choosing" it for life any more than, say, saying what you wanted to do for your living right now, or saying where you thought you might want to live if you could choose it would be.

By all means, this could be a phase, just like you being heterosexual could be a phase were that how you felt: over a lifetime, sexuality tends to be at least somewhat fluid for most people, and more fluid than that for some. But even if this was a phase for you in any regard, that wouldn't make it any less real or important. (And if it helps to know, for many of us, knowing we were queer at a very early age was right on the money and didn't change: for example, I knew when I was about 8, and here I am at 56 this month, still queer af.)

I'm not sure, personally, that going on one date without telling your Mom is hiding something big or that that's a horrible idea. A whole relationship, yes, mostly because of the strain that would put on your relationships Mikky talked about, both with who you are dating and your already-strained relationship with you Mom, but we're not at whole relationship yet, you know? I can see that just going on one date and seeing how that goes without announcing it to your Mom is something you could do without it being a big deal, if that felt okay for you.