Scarleteen

Don’t get me wrong. I'd love to date someone who’s in the subculture, but it’s not a dealbreaker for me if she isn’t in the subculture. I’m a very open person when it comes to dating someone of my race and experiencing a different culture. And for me, I’m a baby bat, which means someone who is new to the goth subculture. It sucks nowadays, a goth woman have been saying men are fetishizing them and looking at them like objects rather than seeing them for who they are, which sucks, since I feel like I’ll be accused of wanting to be with a goth woman sorely because of their looks and not to their personality and don’t get me wrong I like to date someone who I’m attracted if their personality is bad their looks wouldn’t matter to me at that point I’ll just be completely turn off by that person. Am I crazy for liking a goth woman and wanting to be in a relationship with one? I’m still learning more about the subculture and the lore behind it now. I heard you don’t need to dress like a goth person, you just need to listen to music.

Hey!

I appreciate you bringing up the concern about fetishizing women in the subculture. It’s true that that’s pretty pervasive (I am in the subculture too, and have also had experiences being fetishized for my identity). I wouldn’t say it happens every time someone is interested in a goth person, though we can certainly talk through your motivations and thoughts here.

Fetishization happens when you view someone as an object of sexual desire based on a part of their identity. It means that you’ve reduced someone from all their humanity into a single part of their identity. So, if someone were to say “I want to date a goth woman because goth women are X Y or Z and I find that appealing,” that would be reducing each woman’s humanity into their identity as a goth woman, and viewing that part of their identity as something sexually desirable. We know for certain that while people are connected through subcultures, the people within that subculture are their own people and are quite different from one another.

There is, however, the idea that you might actually just want to date someone who is in a similar subculture to you, and I would file that under connection/similarity than fetishization because the motivations are different. As long as you’re not thinking that goth women are all similar, or that they’ll act the same or be similar as partners, I wouldn’t say say you’re necessarily fetishizing.

Can you share a little bit of why you’re interested in goth women? I think that would help determine if this interest is based in wanting community or in fetishization.

Hey, thank you for explaining what fetishizing is, and I really hope I’m not fetishizing a goth woman okay, so one of the reasons why I wouldn’t mind dating a goth woman is because of things I’ll find in common. For me I’m really into playing video games and I heard that goth women are into nerds. I’m not saying all of them do, I have just heard a lot of them do. The second reason is that I always like the dark kind of theme. If that’s the right word to say, like the makeup, clothing, music. I'd like to go to graveyards. I’m a Halloween person and love the fall and winter. I’m not saying all the goth people are into that. I’m not saying that at all. I always find it to be unique and different from other people. It feels like everybody wants to dress the same and look the same and not be unique i don’t know if that’s me or not. It’s sad that some of the goth people in general are being judged by a lot of people and people thinking they worship the devil, which I know it’s not true at all, and it’s stupid that people make these judgments without getting to know the actual person and their actions, which I find to matter more than just the looks. For me, I find myself to be more like a metal head kind of person simply because I listen to heavy metal music and Death Core a lot and that’s not the only kind of genre I’m into, but it sure is my favorite kind of genre. But at the end of the day, I want someone who’s interested in the same things I like. I’m not saying I want the woman to check off every list and be perfect, but needs check off a lot of the important things I'd want from a partner. At the end of the day, I still want to be myself and pretend to be like someone I’m not just to find a partner.

Hi SilverFalcon92!

I am not super familiar with goth subculture so can't give more information about that specifically. That being said, I can help tease out the attraction you feel.

Your first explanation about why you like goth women is actually about your expectation of their interest in you. Attraction should be based on how you feel about the other person. Focusing on what they like about you can lead to dissatisfying relationships. The idea that all goth women like nerdy men is a generalization about goth women. Women who are part of goth culture do not all have the same romantic preferences. That generalizing perspecting is a component of fetishization.

Your second explanation about a dark theme is a great way to experience attraction! It allows you to enjoy what you enjoy and find people who happen to enjoy that as well. Appearance is a huge part of attraction so if you are drawn to dark clothes, makeup, and music, that makes sense that you would be drawn to women in the goth subculture. And within the goth community, there is absolutely variety in interests so you are not alone if you like fall and winter or Death Core. It sounds like you might be drawn to people who share those interests though!

I would encourage you to focus on the second group of reasons you like goth women. That way you aren't making a generalization about a large group of people. Does that help answr your question?