Scarleteen

Apologies in advance if this ends up being quite long, I tend to ramble...

My boyfriend and I are both in our mid twenties, and we've been together about 5 months. I've never been in a relationship before, and he's only had one girlfriend before me.

We both id as asexual and neither of us had ever had sex of any kind - I'd always thought I was sex repulsed, I could never really stomach the thought of having sex until I met him, and he's never been that bothered either way - he never went further than making out with his ex, and when we got together we discussed all this and were on the same page about not *really* wanting sex.

But things have progressed over the months with regards to intimacy, we've gone from me not being really sure if I liked kissing to enjoying a make-out sesh, to wandering hands and then in the last month or two we've started having sex.

I'm not too worried about the change from what we'd discussed when we started - every time we try something new we talk about it first, establish that we're both interested in seeing what it might be like, and checking in during and after to make sure we're enjoying ourselves. But we just can't seem to figure it out!

It can feel nice, and we'll be having fun, but sometimes I still feel weird after it, and I don't know if either of us are really getting fully aroused because I'm not really sure what that's meant to feel like? I've never really been aroused before except when I'm with him, so I'm not sure what 'stage' of it I'm getting to, and I'm not sure what I'd enjoy because I've never been able to masturbate before either.

Since we've started getting more sexual I've tried doing things on my own to try figure stuff out, but again I don't really get aroused unless I'm with him, and masturbating either with my hands or with a vibrator is mostly just uncomfortable.

The main problem-thats-not-a-problem is that neither of us have been able to orgasm from either manual sex or intercourse. I know that orgasm isn't the only goal of sex, and it can still be fun without it, but sometimes it feels like it goes on too long because there's no natural end to it, and it tips over from being sort of fun to being boring to being uncomfortable. Sometimes he apologises that he can't come, and says maybe he's just not into it enough, and I keep telling him that its not a problem and that I'm not in this relationship for sex - if we're both happy to keep going then we can but it's not an essential, but it can still be frustrating, and I'm worried that I'm not into it enough either.

Basically, I just feel a bit awkward and confused, and even though we talk about everything I'm not always comfortable talking about sex with him, and I've *never* been the type of person to talk about this stuff with friends or family, so I just need some advice of any kind. Do we just keep trying, and hope we get better at sex or start to enjoy it more somehow? Should we change something about what we're doing? Or should we just call it a failed experiment and keep sex out of the equation for the time being?

Hi superangsty, welcome! I hear you that it’s been hard for you to talk about sex with others, so thanks for chatting with us even if it might feel uncomfortable!

I think what will probably be the big thing here, whether you two choose to keep exploring sexual activity as a part of your relationship or not, is communication. Boring answer, but it is so essential. Having good communication about sex is not something most of us are just super equipped and ready to do. I’m going to link one of my favorite pieces: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

On the communication note: Ideally, when things tip from being fun to being boring, that’s when I’d hope you’d become comfortable saying something, rather than waiting for it to tip from boring to uncomfortable. It can be tricky, when we aren’t really sure ourselves whether we are liking something or might like something, to flag that moment. But I think being able to say, “I was having fun but now I’m feeling kind of out of it. Can we just kiss/cuddle/hang out now?” takes SO much pressure off.

You two seem on the same page that sex is not an essential part of this relationship or your connection to each other. I’m going to wager a guess that “just keep trying” probably won’t yield much results or create a dynamic that will feel good. I wonder if you’ve thought much about why you’re wanting to try this: curiosity? Bonding? Feeling like it’s the “normal” thing to do? I ask, because I wonder what else might satisfy those desires. It sounds like making out was enjoyable, and maybe something you were both genuinely interested in?

And just to do a general check in: how do you feel about this relationship in general?