I’ve never really felt the need to masturbate. I do get turned on, but usually the fantasies in my head are enough to make me feel good, and I don’t feel the need to take it any further (i have never orgasmed. Now that I’m in a relationship, though, it’s been hard for my partner to please me when I don’t really know what works for my own body.
I can get in the mood, and it feels nice when he touches me over my clothes. But when he tries more direct stimulation or fingering, even though I get wet, I don’t really feel much, and it kind of takes me out of the moment ( i communicate this with him and he lets me guide him but i dont know how to because i dont know what im meant to be feeling). He’s also tried going down on me, and while it felt warm and not uncomfortable, it didn’t actually feel good either. However when i think back to him doing it i get aroused or turned on. He bought me a vibrator, however i havent been in the mood to try it yet.
I’m not sure if I’m just overthinking it or getting in my head, or if this is just how I experience things. Also, to me, arousal kind of feels similar to the sensation of needing to pee, but I feel like it’s supposed to be like something else.
Struggling to Feel Pleasure During Intimacy
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Winterblues
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Sofi
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Re: Struggling to Feel Pleasure During Intimacy
Hi there, welcome to the boards!
You know, there's really not a right way to feel arousal, as it can feel a bit different for different folks. Overall, a lot of people feel sort of a tingling and/or warmth in their genital area, and the sensation of needing to pee is a common one as well. It might be good to remember that our primary sex organ is actually our brain, and that's where arousal starts. What this means is that when we're putting pressure on ourselves or worrying about whether something is right or wrong during sex, chances are, we won't really enjoy it that much. Our brain sort of needs to be relaxed and feel safe and comfortable in order to really enjoy sex. So my first piece of advice is definitely to work on releasing the pressure to feel a certain way and just lean into the experience and enjoy it without any goals or expectations.
We get a lot of people here who say they don't feel much during masturbation and/or partnered sex, and while once in a blue moon it's a real physiological numbness issue, it's almost always a combination of not being turned on enough and/or expecting things to feel differently than they do - on top of just not doing the things that feel good for that person. There's a chance you haven't discovered yet the ways you prefer your partner to touch you, or go down on you. Sometimes people with a vulva are struggling because they're not stimulating their clitoris and that's actually what feels best to them, or maybe it's the opposite and direct clitoris stimulation is too much, there are really so many options so I can't give you specific advice for your situation. What I can say, though, is that it's normal for the beginning of a sexual relationship with a new partner to be a bit clunky as you figure out what you both like and want (and don't like and don't want).
It sounds like you two have good communication about this already, which is great! I would suggest filling this out with him as a way to start exploring and talking about it more:
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
Does that sound like something you'd be open to trying?
You know, there's really not a right way to feel arousal, as it can feel a bit different for different folks. Overall, a lot of people feel sort of a tingling and/or warmth in their genital area, and the sensation of needing to pee is a common one as well. It might be good to remember that our primary sex organ is actually our brain, and that's where arousal starts. What this means is that when we're putting pressure on ourselves or worrying about whether something is right or wrong during sex, chances are, we won't really enjoy it that much. Our brain sort of needs to be relaxed and feel safe and comfortable in order to really enjoy sex. So my first piece of advice is definitely to work on releasing the pressure to feel a certain way and just lean into the experience and enjoy it without any goals or expectations.
We get a lot of people here who say they don't feel much during masturbation and/or partnered sex, and while once in a blue moon it's a real physiological numbness issue, it's almost always a combination of not being turned on enough and/or expecting things to feel differently than they do - on top of just not doing the things that feel good for that person. There's a chance you haven't discovered yet the ways you prefer your partner to touch you, or go down on you. Sometimes people with a vulva are struggling because they're not stimulating their clitoris and that's actually what feels best to them, or maybe it's the opposite and direct clitoris stimulation is too much, there are really so many options so I can't give you specific advice for your situation. What I can say, though, is that it's normal for the beginning of a sexual relationship with a new partner to be a bit clunky as you figure out what you both like and want (and don't like and don't want).
It sounds like you two have good communication about this already, which is great! I would suggest filling this out with him as a way to start exploring and talking about it more:
Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
Does that sound like something you'd be open to trying?
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